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Thread: Don't know if this counts as abuse

  1. #61
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    Hi,

    I can't really speak to whether or not you were abused, it definitely sounds like you are struggling in certain areas. I just wanted to say that for me I started my journey in a recovery group. I was nervous and scared at first but I realized not to long after I started that everyone there had a story, some were struggling with addiction, some with self worth, some with trust or co-dependency etc.. Anyway, they all had a story and most had been abused in some way or another in their past. Even when I was still questioning whether I had a right to call my experiences abuse I felt like I was in a safe place to start exploring my childhood. It was amazing how loved and accepted I felt by everyone else there and I never felt any kind of judgement. Through the group I was eventually encouraged to seek therapy. I'm a single mom of four so at first I was hesitant because I was pretty sure I couldn't afford it but because the group was Christian based and took place in a church I was steered toward the Therapists they had on staff who work on a sliding scale. I have been going once a week for five years now and I don't pay much. So I just wanted to share with you some possible options, hope that helps a little

  2. #62
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    Sep 2016
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    hmmm

    i dont think your mind would make you all of a sudden think that happened if it didnt really. not by the way you react to sexual touch. i think your mind has just blocked out the memories to protect you but something like a song like you said might have triggered it causing the memories to start breaking through overpowering the wall your mind put up

  3. #63
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    Should I report historical abuse? What counts as abuse?

    I was in relationships with older men as a young teenager. With a 24yr old man when I was 14/15 then a 30yr old man when I was 16/17.

    Both were consensual (encouraged by me even). In the first one, the only 'abuse' experienced was that I wasn't able to legally consent to the sex I was having. The relationship itelf was loving and felt relatively equal in power dynamic (in fact I'd say I had more intellegence at 14 than he had at 23 so actually held control). To all intents and purposes it functioned as any other teenage relationship. We both lived with parents, attended college / training, had similar interests / incomes etc etc.

    In the latter relationship there wasn't 'abuse' on a legal level. He was very careful that we didn't have intercourse until I was 16 and yet, when I look back, I percieve that I was groomed. He encouraged me to break ties with friends and family and live solely with him . . . suggested I leave edication to get married and have his children . . . made me out my clothes to dress in the ones that he liked . . . He was a lecturer at my local college (he taught my friends) so was in a position of power over young women my age. When I eventually escaped he threatened to send a sex tape to my parents. The relationship was so many kinds of wrong.

    More recently I saw the second boyfriend (now nearly 40) with a girl who couldn't have been more than 16. This leads me to belive he is carrying out the same type of behaviour even now. I'm angry and sickened and I want to make it stop but I don't know who I'd report it to or what I'd report him for.

    I'm also horribly confused by the double standard that I have no ill feelings towards the first relationship that was abusive from a legal perspective (this an is now married to a woman his own age and has children), but I'm tormented by the one where legally there was no crime but I feel was damaging.

    How do I proceed?

  4. The following user says thank you to confusedGB for this useful post:

    Jane (10-26-2016)

  5. #64
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    I dated lots of older men as a teen. Sometimes I felt more groomed than other times. (I say all this looking back with wisdom of female with 40+ years) Always though the guy had some emotional immaturities, or insecurities and appreciated the fact that I was not going to be judging him as his peer aged females may judge his: job/educational decisions, financial decisions, time management stuff, ability to care for self or kids.

    I was a kid, so yea, couldn't really judge a grown man for not acting more adult. He knew enough emotionally what a young gal wants for her emotional needs stroked, and gave conditionally, gave to create a bond in me to him to replace what I did not get as a kid from my family...I guess it made him feel good to have that affect (and also not feel responsible/accountable for other life areas he didn't feel good at.)

    As for how you proceed...
    Not sure we can tell you what to do. Maybe can just share our experiences on things in some way...

    "Proceed" is a bit ambiguous.
    Legally?
    Self growth?
    Something else??

    What are you wanting?

  6. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (10-26-2016),Manya (10-08-2016)

  7. #65
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    I'm in the same situation of not knowing what exactly is real. My childhood was no bed of roses. My home life was a volatile mix of near-cult religious conservatism, mental illness and drug addiction. I didn't feel safe in my environment, and I had been forbidden to tell anyone what was going on. It was the perfect breeding ground for all kinds of abuse. In my 20s I started feeling as if there were, for lack of a better description, pieces missing in my mind, like an internal wall I couldn't get around. Sometimes little things would start to come up but I'd have a panic attack if I started focusing on them so for a while I just ignored it.

    I've been told by a variety of individuals that I "act like a sexually abused person", which caused me to eventually wonder if those missing memories were of being molested. When things finally did start coming through, however, they were so crazy and "out there" that I'm still not sure if I'm just making it all up. Things that go way beyond having a funny uncle. There are pieces that don't seem to fit in with the rest of my life- they stick out like a big, white elephant, and I've always had a vivid imagination, so it's easy to think my mind just created things to fill in the blanks. I'm still not 100% sure what exactly happened. The only thing I can suggest is to find a really good therapist who can help you try to get to the root of your feelings. Don't settle for a crap therapist who isn't going to listen to you- in this case it is very important to find someone willing to listen and invest time in unraveling where these things come from.

  8. The following user says thank you to LCraven for this useful post:

    Jane (10-26-2016)

  9. #66
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    One thing that I have noticed about my memories is that they sometimes get a bit jumbled up...but are generally based on something that did happen. An example: I often have this memory of being buried alive...pressure of earth on my chest, being unable to breath...it didn't happen...wouldn't be here to tell the story if it did. I did however experience sensations of being smothered...overlaid by a much bigger adult and other CSA related actions that caused me to struggle for breath. So although my mind remembers the sensation very well...my mind has muddled up the events that lead to these. Given this I do not take all my memories as 100% accurate in all their details...however also do not dismiss them as having no basis.

    Other thing I do is to try and make sense of things force myself to fill in the gaps. Found it is not helpful...leads me to speculate on what might have happened...before long this leads to my mind getting muddled about what I truly remember and what I have speculated (implanted in my mind). I know when I was a kid I was fed stories by my parents to cover up the truth eg to explain a non-accidental injury. After a while my mind got to believe these alternative truths...suppose I was subjected to a mild form of brain washing.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  10. #67
    Nepenthe Guest

    Being irrational with my boyfriend after a trauma

    I dont know where else to turn, i experienced a sexual assault just over a year ago and met the love of my life a couple of months after.
    Everything has been amazing with my boyfriend.
    The 'person' (i will not refer to as a man) disappeared from my life shortly after and only in the last couple of months i saw him while i was driving through the town and the feelings i had pushed out of my mind have completely resurfaced and i feel i becoming more and more insecure and feeling worthless and i cant possibly bring myself to tell my boyfriend.
    I am now terrified my feelings of what happened will affect my relationship.
    All i want to do is tell my boyfriend and i know he would be so supportive and amazing but i know his nephew knows my abuser and i know it could potentially cause a whole lot of trouble.
    I just want someone to talk to on a deeper level who has been through similar and can give me some advice.
    Very much appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this.

  11. #68
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    hugs and kisses,but mind the feathers please.
    Sorry to read all you've been through. No idea where you are but there are help lines available in most countries...some are listed above. I think maybe they will be of help to you as you try to get through this..they are often staffed by survivors of similar abuse so will have empathy for you.
    Hope this helps in some small way
    " A person's a person no matter how small" Horton the Elephant.
    "Why,sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast" Lewis Carroll,Alice In Wonderland.

  12. The following user says thank you to eagle22 for this useful post:

    weepingwillow (11-11-2016)

  13. #69
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    Nov 2016
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    Is it abuse?

    Hi guys. I'm Jean and I'm slightly hesitant about coming here because I feel like I haven't suffered abuse but alters and my best friend say it is. I feel like because I grew up with it and because I'm used to it it isn't technically abuse to me. But at the same time if I'm scared to go home every nigt because I know I'll get yelled at and called names and all it is. I just don't want to take away anything from anyone else. If this isn't abuse then I'd like to be told so, so I'm not misinterpreting anything.... Sorry, goodnight.

  14. #70
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    hey jean

    idk whats your story, but whether its abuse or not is your call to make, not ours. fort is open to anyone who believes they have been abused and wants to talk of coping/recovering from the aftermath of this trauma: ptsd, depression, etc. some people are here because they were gang raped and now cant sleep because of night terrors. others are here because their parents didnt love them much and now they cant form meaningful relationships and feel lonely and inadequate. we dont judge whose story is "bad enough" and whose isnt, what matters is that we all have problems as a result of something someone did to us that they shouldnt have done, so we come together to talk of how we overcome these problems and rebuild our lives.

    fort is not a hotline, where people wait in line to get connected to a volunteer who'll talk to them. its a peer support group. there are no volunteers, its people like you talking to each other, and everyone is free to respond or not respond to anything they wish. so you wont be taking anything away from anyone, you'll be adding to the community: your story might help someone feel less alone in their struggle, and your insight might help someone else tackle their problem.

    hope this helps
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  15. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    eagle22 (11-14-2016),Jane (11-14-2016),weepingwillow (11-15-2016)

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