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Thread: Don't know if this counts as abuse

  1. #51
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    Hi I am sorry that this recent event happened to you...hear how distressing it is for you to make sense of it.

    I agree with Manya that the only people who have the expertise and authority to fully and objectively investigate this incident are the police. Get that it is not always easy to report alleged sexually related stuff...can be embarrassing and hard to find the words. Up to you if you decide to do this - If you ask I am fairly certain they will agree to you taking a support person with you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  2. #52
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    Am I in an abusive situation?

    My mom was married to my physically and verbally abusive dad for 17 years. She now recognizes that how he treated her, my 3 siblings, and me was abusive. But she didn't try to end the abuse until he left her 6 years ago for another woman. She has been dating another man for close to 5 years now, and he is a nice and loves her. But what she calls him having an attitude, his loud mouth, or not watching his tongue seems to me like verbal abuse. I know the difference between when he's being annoying or a jerk but there are several times were he goes overboard and I see him being verbally abusive like my father. My older siblings and I have tried to tell her this but she tells us that it is not verbal abuse because he is often nice and kind to her, but isn't part of abuse the manipulation that the abuser has? They have broken up several times over his "loud mouth" and the way he has treated us kids. I will says that there are plenty of times where he is nice to us and helps us with things but he has been in my sisters face (who is now over 18 but was not in some instances) and said horrible things to her. He has put his hands on my brother or around his neck (who is now over 18 but was not in some instances) and said horrible things to him too. At 15 there have been several times where he has gotten in my face yelled and said horrible things to me and broken things or hit walls. My little brother (who is only 9) adores him but he also realizes when my moms boyfriend is "acting like dad" who we have very little interaction with. Most recently, (when I was still 14) my moms boyfriend, me, and my grandmother were home alone when my grandmother went to the store, leaving us alone. My older brother had sent my moms boyfriend and simple text, not treating or rude, saying that he did not like how my moms boyfriend was talking to me earlier and he would appreciate it if he wouldn't do that, knowing that I am very sensitive and to not take yelling or abuse well. My moms boyfriend saw this, slammed open my shut door started yelling at me asking if I said some sh** to my brother saying horrible things to me like I was a p*ssy, and dumb b*tch and a c*nt (I am a quiet, smaller girl who was only 14 at the time) and I did not take it well. I was in between yelling back at him, being afraid he would start hitting me, and crying he ended up smashing one of my mirrors saying he paid for the dresser it was his property, and saying he was done with my mother and her kids (while once again saying horrible things about my older siblings). At this point I was begging him not to break up with her because I believed it was my fault. My mom later told me that she would never be hating back together with him, and they were dating again less than 2 weeks later. I try not to be disrespectful because that will get me yelled at by my mother but she can tell that I don't not like how he treats us. Is he verbally abusive? Or am I over exaggerating and he is nothing just a jerk with an attitude?

  3. #53
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    i hear what youre saying. got some random thoughts:

    first, verbal/emotional abuse isnt a crime, so theres no legal definition of what exactly verbal abuse is. everyone defines it how they like. i personally call it abuse when its not consensual (i.e. you cant just walk out of it, its not up to you), involves imbalance of power (i.e. youre hurt by someone who is stronger than you physically, financially, legally, or in any other way, as opposed to your peer whom you can tell to get lost), and causes serious enough trauma to need help to recover from it (i.e. more than just venting on facebook about what a jerk someone is).

    your moms relationship is her deal, if she feels abused she can totally seek help for it herself, we cant really talk of how to convince her to dump her bf just cuz we can only speculate on why shes staying with him in the first place, and our speculations are of no use. we dont know if she wants anything changed at all, you know, her life, her business.

    however, if youre under 18, youre entitled to a safe and sane environment, free of yelling, name-calling, breaking things, etc. doesnt matter if your moms bf is an abuser or just an average jerk. your mom can do what she wants with her life, but her relationship choices shouldnt negatively affect your quality of life. its not ok, and if you talk to someone in 3d (like a school counselor or a family doctor or a friends parent or someone at a hotline) - they'll brainstorm some solutions to this situation, so that your moms boyfriend wouldnt bother you. they can talk to your mom about it, or help you figure out how you can talk to her, or facilitate a meeting with all of you at once, or come up with some other options. like putting a lock on your door and making sure your moms boyfriend knows hes not allowed to come to your room, so that you have a place in the house where you can be free from his issues.

    we got this page for teens, talking of your basic rights at home, and listing a bunch of helpful resources - http://www.fortrefuge.com/teens.php

    and we also got all sorts of hotlines under "help" tab on top of any page, heres direct link - http://www.fortrefuge.com/hotlines.html

    hope some of this helps, and your mom and her boyfriend figure out a way to make sure their issues arent affecting you. cuz they have nothing to do with you, you shouldnt be involved in their stuff. you didnt pick this guy to date, theres no reason for you to have to deal with his anger issues. for you
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  4. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (07-15-2016),weepingwillow (07-15-2016)

  5. #54
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    Hi...so sorry that you are not comfortable in your present situation...hard to be a minor and to have to witness upsetting adult behaviour. Can not tell you if your mother's partners behaviour is out of control or he is just hot headed. Certainly don't agree that it is right for anyone to call other's nasty names or break stuff...intimidate and scare them. idk would it help to talk about your concerns to say your school nurse/counselor or a trusted older family friend or relative.

    Another option is to join an on-line forum set up specifically for teens...may help you to be able to discuss your concerns with your peers - help you to feel less alone. If you are interested we have some links under the help tab in our page header.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  6. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (07-15-2016),weepingwillow (07-15-2016)

  7. #55
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    Ooo posted at the same time as manya
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. #56
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    Need to talk to someone

    Hi, my boyfriend has been quite nasty with me recently but the other day he raped me. He denies it he just says he was taking control and he gets angry when I say anything now he's acting like nothing's happened I'm scared of him now he's done this to me. I can't tell anyone because I'm worried they won't believe me because he says it's a lie and laughs at me. He won't let me have any money to go out or anything so I can't even go see my mum I'm so fed up I feel stuck

  9. #57
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    i hear you. thing is though - you dont have to stay with him if you dont want to, no explanation necessary really. even if he's the sweetest guy in the world, you have the right to leave just because. if you call 911 and say that youre stuck with a bf you dont wanna be with but dont know where to go or what to do - they'll just come pick you up, take you to a shelter (if you got no other place to stay), put you on welfare, employment programs, housing waiting list, etc. eventually you'll get back on your feet. shelters arent fun, but, i mean, better than living with someone who abuses you.

    and with the rape - it doesnt matter what the police believe or dont believe personally, what matters is if they see enough evidence to try to convict the guy or not. and finding this evidence is a professional skill, they are trained to do it, and we/you arent, we/you cant tell if theres enough evidence or not, so it makes sense to talk to them and see what they say. majority of rapes are done by someone the victim knows, arent violent, dont leave any bruising or such - but they convict them somehow. even if they dont see enough evidence to charge the guy, it doesnt mean they dont believe you, just means they dont have enough to work with. and, either way, rape or no rape, you have every right to leave the guy if you wanna...
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  10. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (07-18-2016),Sunfl0wer (07-18-2016),weepingwillow (07-18-2016)

  11. #58
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    If my partner raped me would be a deal breaker for me...an absolute one if they made light of it. However realise we are all different...have a friend who lives with a guy who is as nasty as to her. Lotsa people would run, however she has decided to stay and tolerate it. Her decision.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  12. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (07-18-2016),weepingwillow (07-18-2016)

  13. #59
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    People interested in this thread may also like to read this related conversation http://www.fortrefuge.com/forum/show...ounts-as-abuse
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  14. #60
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    People interested in this subject may also like to read this related conversation http://www.fortrefuge.com/forum/show...080#post373080
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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