+ Reply to Thread
Page 5 of 7 FirstFirst ... 34567 LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 64

Thread: Don't know if this counts as abuse

  1. #41
    Unregistered Guest

    Am I in an abusive situation?

    My mom was married to my physically and verbally abusive dad for 17 years. She now recognizes that how he treated her, my 3 siblings, and me was abusive. But she didn't try to end the abuse until he left her 6 years ago for another woman. She has been dating another man for close to 5 years now, and he is a nice and loves her. But what she calls him having an attitude, his loud mouth, or not watching his tongue seems to me like verbal abuse. I know the difference between when he's being annoying or a jerk but there are several times were he goes overboard and I see him being verbally abusive like my father. My older siblings and I have tried to tell her this but she tells us that it is not verbal abuse because he is often nice and kind to her, but isn't part of abuse the manipulation that the abuser has? They have broken up several times over his "loud mouth" and the way he has treated us kids. I will says that there are plenty of times where he is nice to us and helps us with things but he has been in my sisters face (who is now over 18 but was not in some instances) and said horrible things to her. He has put his hands on my brother or around his neck (who is now over 18 but was not in some instances) and said horrible things to him too. At 15 there have been several times where he has gotten in my face yelled and said horrible things to me and broken things or hit walls. My little brother (who is only 9) adores him but he also realizes when my moms boyfriend is "acting like dad" who we have very little interaction with. Most recently, (when I was still 14) my moms boyfriend, me, and my grandmother were home alone when my grandmother went to the store, leaving us alone. My older brother had sent my moms boyfriend and simple text, not treating or rude, saying that he did not like how my moms boyfriend was talking to me earlier and he would appreciate it if he wouldn't do that, knowing that I am very sensitive and to not take yelling or abuse well. My moms boyfriend saw this, slammed open my shut door started yelling at me asking if I said some sh** to my brother saying horrible things to me like I was a p*ssy, and dumb b*tch and a c*nt (I am a quiet, smaller girl who was only 14 at the time) and I did not take it well. I was in between yelling back at him, being afraid he would start hitting me, and crying he ended up smashing one of my mirrors saying he paid for the dresser it was his property, and saying he was done with my mother and her kids (while once again saying horrible things about my older siblings). At this point I was begging him not to break up with her because I believed it was my fault. My mom later told me that she would never be hating back together with him, and they were dating again less than 2 weeks later. I try not to be disrespectful because that will get me yelled at by my mother but she can tell that I don't not like how he treats us. Is he verbally abusive? Or am I over exaggerating and he is nothing just a jerk with an attitude?

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,132
    i hear what youre saying. got some random thoughts:

    first, verbal/emotional abuse isnt a crime, so theres no legal definition of what exactly verbal abuse is. everyone defines it how they like. i personally call it abuse when its not consensual (i.e. you cant just walk out of it, its not up to you), involves imbalance of power (i.e. youre hurt by someone who is stronger than you physically, financially, legally, or in any other way, as opposed to your peer whom you can tell to get lost), and causes serious enough trauma to need help to recover from it (i.e. more than just venting on facebook about what a jerk someone is).

    your moms relationship is her deal, if she feels abused she can totally seek help for it herself, we cant really talk of how to convince her to dump her bf just cuz we can only speculate on why shes staying with him in the first place, and our speculations are of no use. we dont know if she wants anything changed at all, you know, her life, her business.

    however, if youre under 18, youre entitled to a safe and sane environment, free of yelling, name-calling, breaking things, etc. doesnt matter if your moms bf is an abuser or just an average jerk. your mom can do what she wants with her life, but her relationship choices shouldnt negatively affect your quality of life. its not ok, and if you talk to someone in 3d (like a school counselor or a family doctor or a friends parent or someone at a hotline) - they'll brainstorm some solutions to this situation, so that your moms boyfriend wouldnt bother you. they can talk to your mom about it, or help you figure out how you can talk to her, or facilitate a meeting with all of you at once, or come up with some other options. like putting a lock on your door and making sure your moms boyfriend knows hes not allowed to come to your room, so that you have a place in the house where you can be free from his issues.

    we got this page for teens, talking of your basic rights at home, and listing a bunch of helpful resources - http://www.fortrefuge.com/teens.php

    and we also got all sorts of hotlines under "help" tab on top of any page, heres direct link - http://www.fortrefuge.com/hotlines.html

    hope some of this helps, and your mom and her boyfriend figure out a way to make sure their issues arent affecting you. cuz they have nothing to do with you, you shouldnt be involved in their stuff. you didnt pick this guy to date, theres no reason for you to have to deal with his anger issues. for you
    Guidelines | FAQ | Talk to Mods | Get Keys | Contributors Club

    *Honorary Member of The Troll Patrol doing laundry in public:

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (07-15-2016),weepingwillow (07-15-2016)

  4. #43
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    19,864
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Hi...so sorry that you are not comfortable in your present situation...hard to be a minor and to have to witness upsetting adult behaviour. Can not tell you if your mother's partners behaviour is out of control or he is just hot headed. Certainly don't agree that it is right for anyone to call other's nasty names or break stuff...intimidate and scare them. idk would it help to talk about your concerns to say your school nurse/counselor or a trusted older family friend or relative.

    Another option is to join an on-line forum set up specifically for teens...may help you to be able to discuss your concerns with your peers - help you to feel less alone. If you are interested we have some links under the help tab in our page header.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (07-15-2016),weepingwillow (07-15-2016)

  6. #44
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    19,864
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Ooo posted at the same time as manya
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  7. #45
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    19,864
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    People interested in this subject may also like to read this related conversation http://www.fortrefuge.com/forum/show...080#post373080
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. #46
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    25
    Affection
    prayers
    Hi,

    I can't really speak to whether or not you were abused, it definitely sounds like you are struggling in certain areas. I just wanted to say that for me I started my journey in a recovery group. I was nervous and scared at first but I realized not to long after I started that everyone there had a story, some were struggling with addiction, some with self worth, some with trust or co-dependency etc.. Anyway, they all had a story and most had been abused in some way or another in their past. Even when I was still questioning whether I had a right to call my experiences abuse I felt like I was in a safe place to start exploring my childhood. It was amazing how loved and accepted I felt by everyone else there and I never felt any kind of judgement. Through the group I was eventually encouraged to seek therapy. I'm a single mom of four so at first I was hesitant because I was pretty sure I couldn't afford it but because the group was Christian based and took place in a church I was steered toward the Therapists they had on staff who work on a sliding scale. I have been going once a week for five years now and I don't pay much. So I just wanted to share with you some possible options, hope that helps a little

  9. #47
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Posts
    4

    hmmm

    i dont think your mind would make you all of a sudden think that happened if it didnt really. not by the way you react to sexual touch. i think your mind has just blocked out the memories to protect you but something like a song like you said might have triggered it causing the memories to start breaking through overpowering the wall your mind put up

  10. #48
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    1

    Should I report historical abuse? What counts as abuse?

    I was in relationships with older men as a young teenager. With a 24yr old man when I was 14/15 then a 30yr old man when I was 16/17.

    Both were consensual (encouraged by me even). In the first one, the only 'abuse' experienced was that I wasn't able to legally consent to the sex I was having. The relationship itelf was loving and felt relatively equal in power dynamic (in fact I'd say I had more intellegence at 14 than he had at 23 so actually held control). To all intents and purposes it functioned as any other teenage relationship. We both lived with parents, attended college / training, had similar interests / incomes etc etc.

    In the latter relationship there wasn't 'abuse' on a legal level. He was very careful that we didn't have intercourse until I was 16 and yet, when I look back, I percieve that I was groomed. He encouraged me to break ties with friends and family and live solely with him . . . suggested I leave edication to get married and have his children . . . made me out my clothes to dress in the ones that he liked . . . He was a lecturer at my local college (he taught my friends) so was in a position of power over young women my age. When I eventually escaped he threatened to send a sex tape to my parents. The relationship was so many kinds of wrong.

    More recently I saw the second boyfriend (now nearly 40) with a girl who couldn't have been more than 16. This leads me to belive he is carrying out the same type of behaviour even now. I'm angry and sickened and I want to make it stop but I don't know who I'd report it to or what I'd report him for.

    I'm also horribly confused by the double standard that I have no ill feelings towards the first relationship that was abusive from a legal perspective (this an is now married to a woman his own age and has children), but I'm tormented by the one where legally there was no crime but I feel was damaging.

    How do I proceed?

  11. The following user says thank you to confusedGB for this useful post:

    Jane (10-26-2016)

  12. #49
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,470
    Affection
    test
    I dated lots of older men as a teen. Sometimes I felt more groomed than other times. (I say all this looking back with wisdom of female with 40+ years) Always though the guy had some emotional immaturities, or insecurities and appreciated the fact that I was not going to be judging him as his peer aged females may judge his: job/educational decisions, financial decisions, time management stuff, ability to care for self or kids.

    I was a kid, so yea, couldn't really judge a grown man for not acting more adult. He knew enough emotionally what a young gal wants for her emotional needs stroked, and gave conditionally, gave to create a bond in me to him to replace what I did not get as a kid from my family...I guess it made him feel good to have that affect (and also not feel responsible/accountable for other life areas he didn't feel good at.)

    As for how you proceed...
    Not sure we can tell you what to do. Maybe can just share our experiences on things in some way...

    "Proceed" is a bit ambiguous.
    Legally?
    Self growth?
    Something else??

    What are you wanting?

  13. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (10-26-2016),Manya (10-08-2016)

  14. #50
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Location
    Kentucky, USA
    Posts
    49
    Affection
    ok
    I'm in the same situation of not knowing what exactly is real. My childhood was no bed of roses. My home life was a volatile mix of near-cult religious conservatism, mental illness and drug addiction. I didn't feel safe in my environment, and I had been forbidden to tell anyone what was going on. It was the perfect breeding ground for all kinds of abuse. In my 20s I started feeling as if there were, for lack of a better description, pieces missing in my mind, like an internal wall I couldn't get around. Sometimes little things would start to come up but I'd have a panic attack if I started focusing on them so for a while I just ignored it.

    I've been told by a variety of individuals that I "act like a sexually abused person", which caused me to eventually wonder if those missing memories were of being molested. When things finally did start coming through, however, they were so crazy and "out there" that I'm still not sure if I'm just making it all up. Things that go way beyond having a funny uncle. There are pieces that don't seem to fit in with the rest of my life- they stick out like a big, white elephant, and I've always had a vivid imagination, so it's easy to think my mind just created things to fill in the blanks. I'm still not 100% sure what exactly happened. The only thing I can suggest is to find a really good therapist who can help you try to get to the root of your feelings. Don't settle for a crap therapist who isn't going to listen to you- in this case it is very important to find someone willing to listen and invest time in unraveling where these things come from.

  15. The following user says thank you to LCraven for this useful post:

    Jane (10-26-2016)

+ Reply to Thread
Page 5 of 7 FirstFirst ... 34567 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •