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Thread: Don't know if this counts as abuse

  1. #31
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    Probably gonna be a bit rambling. Sorry 'bout that

    Have some memories that I can't sort out...depending on how I look at them can see them as ok or completely not. In my case think it comes down to their ambiguity...lack of contextual completeness.

    One memory that stands out is of me (as a small child) lying on the verandah (outside the toilet door) and my mother giving me an enema...remember crying and not coping with what was going on. Certainly have no recall of the reason. Just remember the feeling of someone doing something awful to me. Gut tells me it was probably not motivated by any suspect motives on my mother's part...'nother part of me feels completely traumatise by this memory. Agree with Manya that trauma can be triggered by non-abisive stuff...seems down to how you experience it. In this case this incident, shocked and affronted me...was perceived as a hurtful assault of my body even though it probably wasn't.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  2. #32
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    No, you're not rambling. Not at all. Don't worry. And yeah, that's true. Trauma can definitely result even when not intended. Sorry you had to go through that, by the way.

    In terms of both experiences...well, I didn't feel like I'd been assaulted, exactly. Not that I can recall. I can recall afterwards that I didn't feel like I had been assaulted. It's mostly just a bit of a memory I have, of course. I might get more.

  3. #33
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    I got more pieces back. Mostly relating to my surroundings and everything; I haven't gotten back the specifics of what went on which is probably good. My mind's giving me more opportunities to cope, I guess. More time to cope. I guess I just feel really foolish for not realizing it wasn't normal sooner, especially since...I was at least a young adult. I should have known better. I guess I didn't have the resources I do now, but I still feel really foolish.

  4. #34
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    Got another piece. I think it was mostly a matter of emotional content this time around -- basically, I was worrying about a friend of mine somehow thinking I was weird because of this (the friend of mine didn't live in the beachhouse we were at, for the record), and I think this was one of many reasons I was worried about being sexually abused. What others would think. I think it definitely lends more credence to my theory. I guess if it was sexual abuse...what would it fall under? Rape? Object insertion? I admit that I am very scared. It's not the whole picture, granted, but nevertheless, I am scared. And it doesn't help that my brain is nagging me to remember more of this. I just don't know how there can be more especially when my brain doesn't tell me.

    And my first time around is kind of blanked out, actually. I don't really remember it. That I guess is more understandable since I was 11-13 at the time, I believe. But as a later teenager...well, is it possible to block out a memory at that age? Maybe I shouldn't be surprised considering after I recovered my first memory it was like my brain lost its other memories (though I have been getting them back), but still...

  5. #35
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    i really think its better to talk of these things with a trained professional. online support groups are helpful, but they cant be the sole source of input, especially for things like that, when youre trying to fish for "repressed memories" and define your childhood experience. i think its a big decision to make, with life-long consequences, both for you and for those around you too, and so i personally wouldnt rely on random things i hear online, i would talk to someone trained.

    i have a friend whose parents used corporal punishment on him. he doesnt view it as abusive, but he was (and still is) embarrassed to mention it, cuz of social stigma, and he doesnt do it to his own kids, cuz he believes its always possible to negotiate conflicts, no need to resort to physical force. he believes his parents coulda done the same, but they didnt, and he doesnt feel they were abusive, and doesnt view himself as a victim of child abuse. even though he naturally wasnt too happy about getting beat up on regular basis as a child. he views it as their cultural norm, which he doesnt follow, now that hes an adult and had exposure to other cultures and parenting methods.

    what matters for me personally the most is - whats going on with me in the here and now. if i have problems that i want resolved, i work on them, in therapy. sometimes that involves thinking back on where they started, and sometimes they trace all the way back to childhood. and sometimes they dont. i dont see the need to re-evaluate my childhood unless it comes up in relation to some current problem im working on...
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  6. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (06-12-2016)

  7. #36
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    Thanks. I've yet to actually find a good time to see a new therapist, but I'll definitely do that. I was thinking of seeing someone specializing in possible sexual abuse by mothers because it is my best bet. I suppose I am recording, in the meantime, what I'm remembering.

  8. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Thanks. I've yet to actually find a good time to see a new therapist, but I'll definitely do that. I was thinking of seeing someone specializing in possible sexual abuse by mothers because it is my best bet. I suppose I am recording, in the meantime, what I'm remembering.
    Up to you...but just thinking have you considered registering as a member? Find it helps me being able to share with others who 'get it'. Does not replace the work I am doing on my own healing...but sure helps me feel less alone. If it sounds like your sort of thing here is a link to our guidelines http://www.fortrefuge.com/rules.html which have a link to the registration screen at the bottom of the page.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  9. #38
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    I need to know if this falls into the category of sexual abuse

    I was sexually assaulted on the first of January 2016 or at least I am trying to find out if I was. Let me explain : that night I was on antibiotics to treat a seasonal flue and I drank 4 glasses of champagne and 1 drink of Vodka. Then everything is black. I remember almost nothing from that night until I re-emerged into clear conscience and was alert at about 4 a.m. I have flashes of being kissed by someone and feeling an *invasive* intimate contact and feeling like I was unable to move or speak, it's like my brain was giving commands but my body wouldn't respond and instead I would be paralyzed and just watching the scene as an outsider. I didn't know who my assaulter was but my friends who were at that party saw him leading me in a room and were able to identify him and the next day my friends showed me a picture of him : when I saw the picture I felt a shiver of fright down my spine, he is very creepy looking but my brain does not recall his face. It's like I have never met him before, I know if I had bumped in him in the street before they showed me that picture, I never would identify him as someone I know, his face was completely foreign to my knowledge. I know that sober, I never would have gone near him in a romantic intent. The thing is : how can I prove that I was not consenting if I can remember hardly anything? Does my drunkness make it consentual? I later found out that my best friend dragged me out of the bedroom where he was lying on top of me and a friend of his pushed her for having stopped him. She told me that my eyes looked like I was in another world, I looked completely detached and lost. I was not rational. Another friend -who wasn't at this party at the moment of the event- happens to know my assaulter told me that he had told him that his intention was to have intercourse with me that night which leads me to believe that if he talks about it in such a detached manner that this guy thinks he didn't do anything wrong and is rather proud of what he tried to do. So, was I sexually assaulted? Does my experience fall into that category? even though I can hardly remember anything? I need to know for my own sanity, it depresses me more and more everyday. Can someone please help me see more clearly in this horrible situation? Thanks for your time reading my testimony. I really need someone to help me find answers, I'm desperate

  10. #39
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    hear what youre saying, and im sorry this happened to you

    imho there are two sides to unwanted sexual contact. one side is my subjective experience, whether i wanted it, whether i was traumatized by it, etc. sounds like you arent happy it happened and it bothered you enough to google an abuse site, so you totally deserve sympathy/support/help/etc, regardless of anything else. the other side is what the person did objectively, if their actions constitute a felony. and thats not our or your call to make, thats up to law enforcement to decide. i personally would just go talk to the police, they'll ask you (and your friends) a bunch of questions to determine if they can prove beyond reasonable doubt that the guy knew you're not consenting and violated you anyway. however, what happens to the guy only matters to the guy, and to your ability to publicly accuse him of rape (cuz calling someone a rapist while they werent proven guilty by law - is slander/libel/defamation of character, can get you in trouble). other than that, whether hes a violent felon or it was an unfortunate miscommunication, if you were traumatized by the encounter you have every right to feel whatever you feel, and to get support and help and sympathy. unwanted sex is traumatic, however his actions might be classified legally...
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  11. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (07-08-2016),weepingwillow (07-09-2016)

  12. #40
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    Hi I am sorry that this recent event happened to you...hear how distressing it is for you to make sense of it.

    I agree with Manya that the only people who have the expertise and authority to fully and objectively investigate this incident are the police. Get that it is not always easy to report alleged sexually related stuff...can be embarrassing and hard to find the words. Up to you if you decide to do this - If you ask I am fairly certain they will agree to you taking a support person with you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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