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Thread: Don't know if this counts as abuse

  1. #11
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    I remember my abuse clearly I lived it for 50 years and the memories do not fade they come to me when I don't expect or want them to even when I look in the mirror sometimes

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    Jane (07-20-2016)

  3. #12
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    Abusive or?

    Why do some men make "jokes" about harming women? e.g throwing them down the stairs etc. Do most men find this funny or immature and offensive? My bf ad his friends have made these kinds of jokes on a regular basis. I find them extremely offensive as I would if a group of women were speaking this way about men. I'm curious to see what others opinions are on this matter.

  4. #13
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    I agree with you...I don't tink this behaviour is ok...find it disrespectful. Also dislike it when woman make negative remarks about hurting men, or indeed if anyone makes hurtful remarks about trangendered folk, lesbians and gays under the guise of being witty...dont think it is...think it is intolerant and nasty.
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    weepingwillow (11-23-2015)

  6. #14
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    i think jokes are supposed to be funny, thats kinda the point. if its not funny - then its not a joke. i never been thrown like that, but i tripped and fell down the stairs once, got a concussion. so yeah, that wasnt funny.

    on the other hand, i personally think that if i count every insensitive joke (usually made out of ignorance rather than anything else) as omg "abuse" - i'll end up feeling abused 24/7 by the whole wide world, and that would be one miserable life, seen people like that, they dont seem happy. gotta draw the lines somewhere imho
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  8. #15
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    that while it's not abusive, it also isn't funny in many situations. On the other hand, it also depends on whom I'm with and what type of joke as well. My friends and family are a sarcastic bunch, so we pick back and forth at one another a lot. The biggest difference imo is that it's obviously and clearly meant jokingly. We do make jokes and comments that would probably sound violent from the outside. "keep your hands off my plate or I'll stab you" for example. Now, everyone knows that I'm not going to stab anyone, would not harm someone that way unless it was a self-defense situation. "you're going to make me strangle you" is another one. Comes up when we're being particularly difficult with one another, picking and being difficult. Again, no one is going to harm anyone and everyone involved knows that.

    I would never make jokes like that with people I did not know well, or people that I know would be bothered by it. It's very much dependent on situation and people involved, if that makes sense.
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  10. #16
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    actually i thought of something else.

    i personally (just my personal idiosyncrasy) never make such jokes with people who cant reciprocate in the imaginary scenario. lol i give up phrasing what i mean

    i mean, im 6ft tall, and i would never joke about throwing people down the stairs with a 5ft 100lbs girl or a child or someone handicapped, etc. only with someone my size or bigger. cuz never know, such constant jokes might intimidate the person, and while i think we're cool and having fun - they are actually feeling uncomfortable. you never know. i can ask of course, but if they are uncomfortable - they wont be likely to say so. so i feel its safer to just avoid such things in the first place.

    when i was in college i was waiting tables for a while, and we had this dishwasher guy that everyone picked on, this small skinny guy with one eye, a limp, and a sick wife at home. and we also had this manager, a young chubby greek woman who didnt have a boyfriend and seemed like she needed one badly. and she used to "joke" with this guy quite a lot. for example, calling him (i.e. "put the dishes aside for a sec, get over here, lets talk") and saying she gonna fire him if he doesn't sing ave maria for her here and now, a cappella, or that from now on he gotta wear thong to work, or some such. problem was that she done some crazy drastic changes for realz (got fired pretty soon), so he wasn't sure if shes joking or not. and i dont think he was interested in joking with her either way, he worked 16 hour shifts six days a week, his wife was sick and they didnt have health insurance. so i doubt he was in the mood for joking. but he had to drop what he was doing and come listen to her and smile politely. i told her she was a bully, but she seemed to genuinely believe he was having just as much fun as she did. i guess im just illustrating why i avoid joking like that with people who cant reciprocate. just to be sure im not like her, ever.
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  12. #17
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    Was this abuse? A Year later..

    So I'm not entirely sure if I was the subject of narcissistic abuse. My friends/family say no, but therapists say yes. I'm still hurting, a year after things ended. Here are some examples of ex's behavior...

    1. Abandoning me at train station for three hours (told me to wait there for him, never showed up. Didn't answer my calls)
    2. Needled me into having sex with him before I felt ready (2 months after we began dating, I wanted to wait at least 6 months)
    3. Always cancelling plans at the last minute and via text, even through I repeatedly asked that he call. Including the night before I was presenting my graduate thesis and I asked him to be there with me for emotional support.
    4. Refusing to speak to me or answer my calls for up to a week at a time if I did something that upset him.
    5. Dumping me via email after I asked to meet his friends and family...we had been dating 9 months, and I had not met his family (who lived in the same state) or stayed at his apartment. I brought this up, and he immediately became upset, refused to answer my calls or texts, and wrote an email dumping me for "not trusting" him.
    6. Begging me to take him back a week later.
    7. Finally stopping answering my calls and texts all together. Right after Christmas Day, when he promised to see me on New Years.

    I'm sure that there are those who have endured WAY worse on here, but I still felt deeply impacted by this man's behavior. I fell into a deep depression, which I have recently pulled through from. But am I overreacting by calling it abuse? Am I oversensitive because even a year later and having focused on and made strides in my career, it still hurts so much (FTR I am still in counseling)

  13. #18
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    i hear you. up to you how to define your experience, but i'll ramble for a while

    im gonna call it "emotional abuse" cuz "narcissistic abuse" is a pretty blurry term. narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that affects roughly 1% of general population, needs to be diagnosed by a mental health professional, and doesnt necessarily make one a perpetrator of abuse, just like borderline pd, bipolar, etc. these terms are often used in place of insults, just to mean that the person in question is socially unpleasant and crazy: "narcissistic schizo", "bipolar nazi", "borderline psycho", etc. so if your ex wasnt diagnosed with npd by his psychiatrist/therapist/nurse/etc - i personally would rather call it "emotional" or "psychological" abuse, just for clarity.

    with emotional/psychological abuse theres a discrepancy between legal and psychological definitions. with things like rape or battery the definitions match: a rape is a rape however you look at it, a felony that the offender needs to go to prison for. so you dont scream rape unless you honestly feel the person belongs in prison for what they done. while with emotional abuse theres no clear legal definition. this stuff does get prosecuted sometimes, but under different laws: child cruelty, stalking, harassment, etc. and often isnt prosecuted at all. so its possible and happens often that the abuse is pretty bad and yet theres no law currently to prosecute it under. especially if the victim is a healthy adult, not disabled, not elderly, and thus capable of leaving the relationship if they arent enjoying it. of course leaving isnt that simple psychologically, but im talking from legal standpoint. im no lawyer, but i see nothing illegal in what you wrote about your ex. clearly the guy was a jerk, but not like he should be put in prison for these things, you know.

    and from psychological standpoint its up to you how to define your experience. some people (including therapists) call "abuse" anything that hurts your feelings. theres also the term "abusive behavior", which seems to mean anything thats not ok to do but thats not necessarily hurting you either. for example, if a coworker raises her voice during an argument - thats technically abusive behavior, even though im not gonna lose my sleep over it, just cuz its enough basis to complain about her to HR, if i feel like being spiteful. i personally dont like using the same term for a jerk in the office and a violent rapist. not cuz i feel bad for jerks, but just for my own sanity: if i label every jerk i encounter as a perpetrator of abuse, that makes me a perpetual victim, and its just a miserable way to go through life. gotta draw the lines somewhere.

    on the other hand, this whole dilemma can be easily avoided by speaking of myself rather than of other people. theres no need to label anyone an abuser in order to justify my right to be angry/upset/depressed/needing help. i can just say i was traumatized by something. doesnt matter if it was abuse or not, maybe im not ready to make this judgment call yet - thats ok, i dont have to. i can still get sympathy from friends and family, support, counseling, etc, whether i classify my experience as abuse or not.

    the problem with defining things as "abuse" while they arent (and im not saying your story isnt, its your call to make) - is that "abuse" by definition means that i was helpless and unable to escape it, the situation was out of my hands. its a violation, by force (physical or not). having been in this position causes people various long-term problems, but one of them is struggles understanding/believing that abuse is over and from now on i am not helpless, i have full control over what happens to me now, and thus im the only one responsible for making my life worth living. it can feel scary and excruciatingly hard to exercise control over my life: make choices, take responsibility for them, even on smallest things like which brand of cereal to buy for breakfast. of course people recover, but im just illustrating the scope of issues. only you know if you were violated and helpless to protect yourself, i just wanted to say that labeling yourself a victim of abuse is like getting a cast: if your leg is broken you def need that cast, but if it isnt - that cast will harm you...

    dropping some links:
    introduction - short page on what is abuse, what it feels like, what consequences it causes, and why support groups like fort can be helpful.
    emotional abuse tactics - bunch of common examples usually present during emotional abuse and not present outside of it.
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  15. #19
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    Yes that is emotional abuse. I completely understand and recognize several of these things. I'm still in my relationship after a year. It's good but bad when it's bad. He tells me how much he loves me and that he loves me more than anything, that I'm the love of his life, gives me affection when everything's good, but... He has a bad temper, calls all of his exes "crazy bitches", and gets angry at me over almost nothing, and calls me a "dumb bitch" or "you dumb stupid , it's over." He'll say it's over and then act like nothing happened the next day. He was also charged with cyberstalking a woman 18 months ago. He's tall, good-looking, loves skydiving, and we just returned from a 3-week road trip which had its ups and downs. He broke my phone because he saw me emailing my ex (over a musical artist, just friendly banter) and slapped me after we had an argument and I had shoved him hard into the wall. He said that I deserved it for shoving him. In a bar in Montana, he physically dragged me out after we had an argument and two girls ran out to make sure I was okay. He was so mad that back at the motel room he said if I made a noise to disturb his sleep, he'd kill me, because he was so livid after the bar incident. I've asked him not to call me names and say things like this, but he just says "I'm not a chump and I don't have to take your bullshit." Now I can complain and bitch, but not as bad as he's making it out. Tonight we were drinking and I blurted out "I'm afraid you're going to leave me." And he flipped out, called me names, told me to get out, that we're over, and he drove home. He says he's not living with my fears and doubt anymore, that it hurts him when I doubt him, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Sometimes everything is so great but the arguments and yelling are taking a toll. bit I feel too weak to walk away.

  16. #20
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    Worried...

    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Yes that is emotional abuse. I completely understand and recognize several of these things. I'm still in my relationship after a year. It's good but bad when it's bad. He tells me how much he loves me and that he loves me more than anything, that I'm the love of his life, gives me affection when everything's good, but... He has a bad temper, calls all of his exes "crazy bitches", and gets angry at me over almost nothing, and calls me a "dumb bitch" or "you dumb stupid , it's over." He'll say it's over and then act like nothing happened the next day. He was also charged with cyberstalking a woman 18 months ago. He's tall, good-looking, loves skydiving, and we just returned from a 3-week road trip which had its ups and downs. He broke my phone because he saw me emailing my ex (over a musical artist, just friendly banter) and slapped me after we had an argument and I had shoved him hard into the wall. He said that I deserved it for shoving him. In a bar in Montana, he physically dragged me out after we had an argument and two girls ran out to make sure I was okay. He was so mad that back at the motel room he said if I made a noise to disturb his sleep, he'd kill me, because he was so livid after the bar incident. I've asked him not to call me names and say things like this, but he just says "I'm not a chump and I don't have to take your bullshit." Now I can complain and bitch, but not as bad as he's making it out. Tonight we were drinking and I blurted out "I'm afraid you're going to leave me." And he flipped out, called me names, told me to get out, that we're over, and he drove home. He says he's not living with my fears and doubt anymore, that it hurts him when I doubt him, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Sometimes everything is so great but the arguments and yelling are taking a toll. bit I feel too weak to walk away.
    Ok...so I know it's not my place to tell you what you ought and ought not do, but I have to say this much: his behavior frightens me...for you. This isn't just some argument, some person that raised his voice once or twice. He's being physically abusive. Do with it what you will, but you might think about how much you're getting from this relationship vs the fear, the pain, etc.

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