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Thread: Worried

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Worried

    My 19 yr daughter just ended her relationship with her bf after a year of verbal and physical abuse. She had to escape from their apartment by running for her life. She had a concussion, bruise ribs and many bruises on her body. She is done pretty good for a couple days but now she's hinting she wants to go back to him. As a father what do I do ??

  2. #2
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    I am so sorry you and your daughter are facing this challenging situation. I realise how hard it is to cope when a daughter who having got away from an abusive partner has decided to return to him...hard to not try to force her not to do this...to stand by and watch her make decisions that you can not support because you fear for her safety.

    However, the reality is that your daughter is an adult...and like all adults has the right to make her own decisions and mistakes...and bear the consequences. Sure you can advise her...point out the risks, but ultimately you can not make her decisions for her.

    In my book the most helpful thing you can do at this stage is to maintain your relationship with your daughter...make sure she knows she has your unconditional love and support...that you are and will remain there for her. Hopefully if things do turn to custard she will turn to you.

    I feel for you in this situation...it is tough being a parent and having to stand by and see your child make unwise choices, but unfortunately unless they are breaking the law this is sometimes the only thing you can do...

    Your daughter is so lucky to have such a caring and loving father.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
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    usually, pressure makes matters worse. if you were to list off all the terrible things about this guy, how harming he is, the reaction might be one of her standing up FOR him. the dynamics playing out in abusive relationships are very complex and while we can see things clearly from the outside, the view from the inside is often very cloudy. it takes time to come to realization. your support is crucial at this point however, and allowing her time to come to her own understanding of the situation would be my best advice.

  4. #4
    Unregistered Guest
    It's so hard cause I know he will kill her. The physical abuse has been going on since August 2013. He has threatened to kill her and my entire family if she left. He has a criminal record and has many guns. He thinks she is at a safe house out of town but he is going crazy trying to contact her. He will tell her he has changed and convince her to go back to him. She thinks she can fix him. She is afraid to tell the cops cause he has criminal friends that will come after us if he is arrested. We r planning to get a protective order against him. I want to protect my family and I am very scared he is not going to just move on. Should we stay home or go to a safe house. He was pounding on our door at 4 this morning looking for her or info on where she is. We called the cops but he left after we called. Thx so much for responding!!

  5. #5
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    No Prayers or Bible Verses. Hugs OK.
    Hi there. I am glad that you are reaching out. It is hard to stay alone with these things. Support is a great thing.
    I too am sorry to hear that your daughter is in this situation. I am supporting you 100%. She is not alone. Escape is possible. Healing does happen... It's a long process but there is hope. Safe and understanding 's to you and to her if wanted or needed. Pretty and for you as well. ♥

    I want you to know that I know how she is feeling. I left and went back to my boyfriend multiple times... People often judge and say or think, "It is their own fault because she went back..."

    But they don't understand. They have control over you. My ex somehow was able to manipulate my brain by using techniques that I won't get into because they are not important. But also, I did love him. I loved him more than I can say. He was a master manipulator as most abusers are. They know how to pull the strings. They have control. It is very hard to break free of that... I hope and pray she can stay away. He will not change. It will get worse and won't get better. I am sad to say... Perhaps she can talk to a Women's Crisis Team or therapist so she can see the truth. It often takes help from other people to see the truth. It's always harder to see how dark the clouds are when you are in the midst of them... It's not until you get away and gain an objective view that you can see how dark they really were.

    My ex was sadistic and evil. He was a sociopath. He was abusive in every way possible: physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, and spiritual (plus some other things). He almost k*lled more than once or easily could have many times. He toyed with me on the edge like a cat that plays with a mouse before it k*lls it. He just never k*lled me. He t*rtured. He liked it and was crazy. I was 17-19 when I was with him. All abuse is bad and she deserve love and gentle kindness and support. Please try and be patient with her. I know it must be hard and maddening but it is a hrd place to be for everyone involved. Can you get a restraining order maybe? Just some thoughts.

    I wish I could speak to your daughter. Survivor to survivor. It is so scary and it feels so isolating. There is resources that can help her should she choose to ask for help. I hope she sees the light. It is a dark place to be. But I MUST say, you are a great father and she is very lucky to have you on her side. I hope and pray she can remain free of him and fight the urges to go back. If she wants to, she can register here. Or just look around and see if she sees anything that catches her eye. I support you and her 100% in this.

    Much love and support, Chantel ♥

  6. The following user says thank you to LovelyChantel for this useful post:

    kailima (06-04-2014)

  7. #6
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    I certainly believe that that you have a duty and a right to seek a protective/restraining order...clearly this man is out of control and unstable...throw guns into the mix and I really understand your anxiety. idk it may among other things encourage the police to check whether he has licences or his weapons...often people like him don't. I think once you report all the facts (if you have not done so) to the police will be able to assess the risk you and your family face and advise you if they think you need to move into a safe house.

    Here for you listening
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. #7
    Unregistered Guest
    Thanks for all the great advice!!! My daughter is doing incredibly well since her escape on 3/14/14 (a day we will celebrate yearly). She is laughing more each day and has said she will never go back to him. Her ex started with death threats and when that didn't work he is now trying the nice approach. My daughter filed a restraining order against him -now she is having second thoughts and may remove it. SHe is afraid it'll go back to death threats when he is served. We want to keep the restraining order but it's her decision. He continues to Facebook message her but she never has responded. We want her to delete her Facebook but once again it's her choice. I Hope and pray that she continues to get better. I have always had a song for her that has more meaning now - it is "beautiful" by mercy me. Makes me cry every time.
    Thx again!

  9. #8
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    No Prayers or Bible Verses. Hugs OK.
    I am so happy to hear she's getting stronger. I too hope that she can remain away from him. I too love that song. Praying for you and her if ok. Blessings.

  10. #9
    Unregistered Guest

    I truly hope your daughter has the strength to stay free

    My daughter is in the same situation. She has returned and is with him now after leaving him twice. I am so fearful and worried. He has beaten her really bad on many occasions and continues to do so. I feel she is in mortal danger but no one can help because she doesn't want help. She protects him and seems to not even get mad anymore. He told her she bleeds and bruises easily. I think she
    believes him. I try hard to be there for her but he puts roadblocks in the way and I get angry and end up distancing myself from her.
    She doesn't want that but how much can I take without getting angry. I'm a Mama bear and he is injuring my cub. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just looking for advice from parents in the same boat?

  11. #10
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    agree with all of the above, wanted to add something else.
    its a real hard balance to keep, an you absolutely do not wanna bash him or his actions or sound judgmental or rejecting or negative about him in any other way. she loves him, she feels he has reasons to act the way he does, has excuses for him - so if she senses that youre against him - she'll take his side. so you cant make it a war, you against him. wont work. however, what you can do - while remaining friendly an supportive an not taking sides an not going against anyone - is mirroring things back to her, voicing things that make no sense to you. cuz the only perspective she now has is his, an its obviously distorted, so exposure to a more sober perspective helps dramatically. just need to be careful not to cross the line that she should feel the need to defend him. idk, if she says he gave her bruises cuz his beer wasnt cold enough - its good to voice your confusion as to what caused such a disproportional response? doesnt make sense to beat someone up over a warm beer? why did he do it? was he drunk? or upset bout work? - help her reframe what happened, for herself, to make sense of it. no judgment, just logical explanation. so that she has a coherent story in her head about what happened exactly. cuz what shes thinking now is that 'i screwed up and he punished me for it', instead of 'he got into a drunken rage and beat me up for no good reason'. and then leave it at that, let her make her decision about staying or going - but do encourage her to talk of what happened and ask questions that would help her make sense of the experience.

    another good thing is to expose her to other peoples experiences - how do other couples interact with each other, how do they handle conflict, how do they argue, what do they do when they are angry, etc. i dont mean relationship workshops, just take her to your friends for dinner or something. isolation doesnt help, exposure to people does miracles sometimes.

    yet another good thing - keep her busy with feel-good activities, and preferably state the plans in advance. like, idk, saturday night we'll be watching a movie and eating popcorn, and sunday we're going to a park. in an abusive situation theres rarely anything to look forward to because things are chaotic, unstable, unpredictable. if you offer structure that incorporates positive things - thats a very valuable thing, cuz encourages her to plan ahead - and then going back to abuse would be harder. cuz she cant plan for anything there, all plans get ruined. victims forget this aspect after a while - but once they recover this joy of planning things ahead - they dont wanna lose it, its a strong reason to not go back, its a lightbulb moment of 'i dont wanna go back, that life is miserable'. i know it sounds bizarre cuz that life is miserable due to obvious physical abuse - but victims dont see it this way. to them violence is unavoidable, deserved, and normal. while being unable to plan your weekend - is actually causing a grievance.

    for your daughter and for you
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  12. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (06-05-2014),weepingwillow (06-04-2014)

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