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Thread: Discussion - forgiveness and forgiving

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    i will survive Guest

    Discussion - forgiveness and forgiving

    Even though it almost 2 years since that horrible night how can I ever forgive my abuser?

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    No one says you have to. It is not to make them unaccountable anyway. It is not for them at all in the least bit actually. Al lit is is saying that you are not going to let them rule you. Forgiveness id for the survivor. But it is done in its own time. There is no set date or time frame when it comes to healing and recovery. Everyone heals at their own pace and there is no right or wrong when it comes to healing. There is no specific way of doing it. I am not sure what your beliefs are, but I am personally a Chr*stian and I pray to G*d to help me. I respect that others don't believe as I do though. But if you have beliefs maybe prayer could help you? It's a thought. But anyway, the whole recovery process is in stages and it is a long course to be taken unfortunately. I am still working on forgiveness actually. When I think I am there and close to the end I realize I am not anyway near the end. But each step forward is one step closer to healing and that is better than where I am currently. Each day in stride. By the way, Welcome to The Fort!
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    Quote Originally Posted by i will survive View Post
    Even though it almost 2 years since that horrible night how can I ever forgive my abuser?
    I'm not sure I can answer that because I haven't forgiven my abusers. I think I'm more concerned with forgiving myself right now and not blaming myself for anything and trying to recover from what they did to me. Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive them. But I don't think that will happen anytime soon. I'm sorry if I wasn't much help to you.
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    Reblisa (09-26-2017)

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    there are definitely stages of healing. many of us try to push forward to an end, forgiveness, without really dealing with wherever we are. forgiveness takes time. it doesn't mean accepting what happened was ok, that the abuser is no longer accountable, it's more about releasing the baggage we carry. holding onto resentment, deep seated anger can paralyze us from any personal growth. that said, it's necessary to go through those stages fully. anger can be hard to find for some of us, for others we can't seem get through a day without it.

    for me, I found, and still find, forgiveness at times but not others. i seem to have to revisit my feelings surrounding my past. i will be faced with some current issue and realize that my reaction is stemming from the past. that makes me sad, angry and then i need to deal with the healing process again. grief is also a part of that healing process, grief for all that we missed, deserved but never got.

    i guess, for me forgiveness is more fluid. it's not like an ok, i'm over that now situation. it ebbs and flows but it seems a bit easier each time around.

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  7. #5
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    Forgivness

    So sorry to hear that you've been through this. I don't know how it is for other people, but I have no desire whatsoever to forgive my abuser, also my father. I would be perfectly happy never seeing, talking to, or hearing about him for the rest of my life. He made my life hell and drove me into depression, thoughts of suicide and self harm. Its really hard; my mom doesn't know all of what he did or ho much it affected me. She keeps suggesting that I should talk to him, start seeing him again. One of my Grandmothers is the same way, but right now I just cant do it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, know that we're all here for you.
    Ava

  8. #6
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    Stuck in recovery

    Growing up, i cannot remember NOT being terrified of my older brother. I thought our relationship was normal because i never knew any different, because my parents didnt react accordingly to my repeated cries for help and my begging for them to never leave me alone with him. I only learned it was abuse when my school counselor found out about my self harm and forced my parents to bring me to a therapist. I was not raped, but my mind was so raped by him that everything had me terrified and on high alert, like everything and anything in the world could snap and come after me at any moment. My parents "found out" about the abuse after my therapist confronted them. They still did nothing to separate my brother and I. Long story short, the abuse stopped because he moved out, and later i moved out. I am in process of working through everything, but i just feel so STUCK. Like im in limbo and cant accept anything because my parents never did. They dont think anything should be remembered, they want me to forgive and forget and take my ABUSER in with open arms and let him around my family and infant son. I dont know how to move forward when they wont let me heal. My chest feels like its permanently ready to have a panic attack.

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    Tasha1701D is offline Fort Security Chief & Stargazer
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    . Sorry to read how your experiences as a child are still affecting you. I grew up in a very abusive environment, and my brother did things that could be considered abusive--shot me, held a knife to my throat, tried to r*pe me, beat me up, etc. In my situation, he did those things cuz that was what he saw, didn't know any other way to act. My brother and I got separated at one point, when his custody got changed, so for years we had no contact. I cut off contact with the adults who had abused us, but when my brother came back into my life, and I had to make the decision about him, I tried to treat my relationship with him as separate from the adults who had abused us. That really helped me--keeping my relationships separate. My relationship with my brother was one relationship, and what others thought about it was irrelevant, cuz it was between me and him. My brother still has contact with one of the people who abused us as children, while I don't. That doesn't interfere with the relationship we have as siblings, though, cuz we keep it separate. Just thought I'd share what has helped me--especially in situations that seem complicated like this. Hope that you can sort out your situation, and find the support in 3D as well. That really helped me with my aftermath, finding a support network, including my therapist. for you.
    ~Tasha

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    Imho the decision on whether to forgive and move on with your life is one that only you can make...what you decide needs to sit ok with you...not add to your pain or make your healing harder. Same applies to deciding to re-establish a relationship with your brother. It is not your parents place to pressure you to comply with their wishes...in fact I believe they are incidental...that what matters is what is best for you.

    For you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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    Reblisa (09-26-2017)

  13. #9
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    Forgiving Abuser

    Is it a universal idea that if your abuser seeks forgiveness, it's wrong to not give it to them and let them back in your life? I'm not talking about just truly forgiving someone. I'm talking about that if they are sorry and put on a sad face that suddenly you're the bad guy for wanting nothing to do with them. I just saw this on a tv show and I was thinking this person has no reason to let her abuser back in her life. However the music they were playing, her abuser's pathetic sad face, and the other characters encouraging her to accept it made me worry that way more people than I thought think that way.

    It upsets me that the few people in my "family" that know encourage this from me. My abuser changed his personality and now that he wines about how I don't like him I've become the bad guy for not wanting to see him. I don't get it?

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    hey lost94

    idk, i think tv shows are made for entertainment, and i guess the tension is whats entertaining: will she "forgive" him or not. nothing to do with reality imho.

    i think forgiving and reuniting are two entirely separate concepts. they dont intercept. i can forgive but not reunite, or i can reunite but not forgive. happens all the time. i was in supermarket the other day, had lotsa bags, and the person ahead of me lifted one of my bags, along with theirs. i know it wasnt a mistake cuz security caught them and they were trying to argue that this stuff is theirs, register person had to pull up their receipt. obviously i forgave that person lol, i dont spend sleepless nights hating them and wishing ten plagues on them, whatever, life happens. but if we bump into each other again in the same supermarket (since obviously they live somewhere near) - i am gonna watch my bags. not gonna follow them and offer them my groceries lol.

    i also think that my choices about my relationships are none of anyone else's business. i can break up, reunite, not reunite, etc - all i want. i dont have to justify my decisions to anyone. romantic relationships are voluntary by definition, i can refuse to have one just cuz i feel like it. even if the other person is an angel and never gave me any reason to dislike them. i dont need a reason to like or dislike someone.

    if im totally honest, i think such tv shows just foster lack of responsibility for personal choices. when i start relying on other peoples opinions on whom i should or shouldnt let into my life - i stop holding myself responsible for making these decisions. and when such a decision turns out to be a mistake - i run back to those people who made it for me and blame it on them. while its my life, i have the freedom of choice, and responsibility for choices i make.

    if i keep going back to some jerk cuz he keeps making a sad face - its my decision to do it. maybe he cooks amazing lasagna and its worth it for me to stay with him, who knows. if i notice i keep making bad choices and wanna change it - i seek help: therapy, support groups like fort, etc. and if im happy with my choices - its none of anyones business really, why im making them the way i do.

    just my two cents
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