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Thread: Counseling/therapist issues and discussions

  1. #21
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    Hi, been reading this thread with interest and can very much agree with what others have said. I would feel very violated if my husband would, without my knowing or consent, contact my T to talk about me. However, perhaps it is an option to talk with your wife about seeing her T together once so you could discuss your concerns (without putting a label on the things you observed, frankly that is just not up to you to do). I don't know if that is an option, but in my case my T is open to it and actually invites my husband to come over if he wants to discuss things. For us this works, I feel safer and less defensive a when we include T in these conversations instead of having them at home. My husband has come along 3 times in the past years, and it has been helpful.

    Just a suggestion, I hope you and your wife can work this out to a solution acceptable for both of you. I can imagine how hard it must be to be in your situation, being concerned foe her and not being able to act in that. Whish you both the best!

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  3. #22
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    My husband wrote a short letter to my therapist,he gave it to me right before a session.It was in a sealed envelope,and he asked me to not read it ahead of time,to give it to my T during the session.

    I opened it and read it in the waiting room(of course).It was written with such love and concern that it didn't upset me.And I did give it to my T during my session and we talked about it.

    That was way better than if he had called my T behind my back.That would have been such a deep betrayal to me.The way he did it,it was my chouce whether to read it ahead of time or not,also my choice to give it to my T or not.He took a big chance in it going very wrong,but the way he worded the letter was what made the difference.

    Not suggesting that's what you do,of course,just saying whatever you decide,please make sure you put your wifes feelings first.

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  5. #23
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    do therapists talk things up?

    Hi, it's a little odd for me to be posting here but I'd really like your advice. I've never seen a therapist before but recently I started seeing one because I wanted to access hormones. I don't identify as trans - I'm non-binary and wanted low-dose of hormones to partially masculinise this body - but you need a psychologist's approval to do that, so i saw this therapist who was recommended for that. For the first two sessions, he asked me a lot of questions about my family and I tried to be honest with him. I told him my parents are very religious but not abusive. I specifically told him twice that I have no trauma in my background. Today was the third session and he told me he's not willing to sign off on the hormones because of how dissociative I am. He says it's possible that gender issues are part of why I have difficulty being in my body but he can't say for sure that that's the case because of how much trauma I've been through. I was like, wtf? what trauma? He says that my childhood and early adulthood was traumatic and that it made me need to disconnect from my body and my emotions. The way he describes it is factually accurate - as in he's not saying things happened that didn't - but he describes it in an entirely different colour to what I do, if that makes sense. He also said something about my memory gaps but I forget that part. Anyway, the point of my post is that he says that I can stop seeing him and carry on as I have been but if I want things to change he's going to have to see me for a "long time and maybe a very long time". I was afraid to ask him to be more specific because he's very expensive. My question is, how can I know if he's just making this up to get more clients and more money? Is that something therapists do? He was recommended by my GP for the gender stuff and I've googled him and seen nothing negative, but - I don't know, how can I know he's not just making this up? That's what it seems like to me. My parents were difficult to live with but not anything like what he seems to think.

  6. #24
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    Short answer: Sure, a therapist can spin stuff to make it seem like someone needs more sessions. Of course that is possible.

    Longer one: However, if you have issues with dissociation and are unaware of the trauma that caused the extent of this dissociation, is it also possible that you are too dissociative to recall stuff? That you are in some kind of denial or minimization about it?

    I don't know what your parents are like, or what his impression is of them, but if you are having one sense of things, and this T is having another, sounds a bit like maybe you are possibly minimizing things? I mean, I really do not at all know.

    I do know that I have a dissociative disorder and it is real common for me to feel certain things are "normal" or ok that really are not, and not really notice this unless it is pointed out to me in some way. It is also typical for me to be in denial or even just plain unaware to the extent of my dissociation and how severe it is. I also have some issues with the body that I am in. Not gender ones, but do have issues relating to my body, seeing it as my own and that it is a correct one to be in.

    Imo, just knowing that I do indeed have issues with dissociation makes it seem highly appropriate to me to first address my dissociation prior to choosing to affect my physical gender expressions.
    Just my 2cent worth.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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  8. #25
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    another thought - you can always get a second opinion; talk to another one, see what they say. not like this guy is the only therapist in the country, you know.

    also, not saying its a rule that always applies or anything, but in my personal experience a very expensive therapist has as many clients (and therefore as much money) as he wants, can pick and choose whom to work with, and has little reason to milk someone unmotivated and uninterested. i mean, its hard to work with a client who feels they are perfectly fine and dont need any therapy. much easier to refer them away and work with someone who actually wants it, you know. in my experience, the more expensive the therapist, the less concerned with money they are; they pick clients based on their academic interests, or to balance their overall workload, e.g. "i have three anxiety disorders already, not gonna take on a fourth one, lemme refer them away and wait for something more exciting to come along." many work on sliding scale fee, or even probono. doesnt mean they are always right of course, can totally be an idiot or a charlatan or whatever, just they arent as desperate to get clients...
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  10. #26
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    Got a different call on this one - think I downplayed stuff, know I did. Took me a while to see that my T was not overplaying my issues, was instead giving them the attention they warranted. Took me time to accept when she had an emotional response to some of the very not ok stuff I had lived through this was probably more 'normal' than my deadpan disconnected reaction to it.

    Not saying this is how it is for you and your T - just sharing my experience for what it is worth.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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  12. #27
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    Thanks everyone. That's all really helpful. I guess I'd like to be able to know for sure that he's at least genuinely believing these things (even if mistaken) and not just saying it to get more fees, but other than what I've done - googling, asking queer people I know etc. - I can't really think of anything else I can do to check that. I don't get a vibe of deceptiveness from him but I don't really trust my instinct on that either.

    He says many things that are alarming and strange. But then other things he says make more sense than anything an outside person has ever said to me, which I guess is what's tempting me to stay with him and try to find the $$ to be able to do that.

    I'm probably acting like I'm signing my life away by agreeing to go with him, which is stupid - I know I'm not. I can stop anytime I want. For some reason though it feels like if I go down this route with him, it will be harder to stop and back out of than it is right now - harder than just cancelling the next appointment and saying, "sorry, this isn't helping so I'm moving on".

    I have no experience with therapists. It's a weird place to be.

    I'm sorry if this sounds strange or incoherent. I just don't know how to work it out. It's new.

  13. #28
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    Hi,

    Read your post and think that it is my experience (also) that it can be harder to pull out of a contact like this when having more appointments. I myself wished I had listened to my gut-feeling when in a situation like you describe.
    I didn't listen and since I am 'very good' in 'only seeing the best in things' and to things that 'actually dó work' , I've not done a good job 'protecting' myself in a certain th*rapist relationship. I regret that.
    Looking back, I did know (deep inside) that I should not continue with this th*rapist, but I did.

    Not saying this is the case for you also. Just sharing my experience.

    Good luck in finding your way !

  14. #29
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    asked and answered for the most part I think but i agree with a couple here you might want to get another opinion some even offer free consults or sliding scale if $$ is an issue. not sure about shrinks 'talking up' -they are human so anything's possible I saw one who's ego was more the deciding factor on what was 'wrong' with you. he gave me all kinds of labels but i didn't think he was right so i let it roll off and ended up going elsewhere. later this same shrink lost his license over some unethical stuff he did with a patient. so, yeah, other factors besides professional opinion could be influencing them (not necessarily $$) and a 2nd opinion can't hurt and sometimes you should trust yourself.

    right or wrong, if you're looking for therapy then whatever issues you have whether minimized or not will most likely come about.

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  16. #30
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    I don't know. I'd written a long post but deleted it. I can talk myself into both points of view, which is why I'm so bad at making decisions. The safest is to just say no to everything.

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