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Thread: Concerned about a friend

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Concerned about a friend

    A friend from work has been going through a difficult month, which seems to have escalated to him coming into work with bruises and today a bite mark from his latest argument with his wife. They have only been married for just under 3 years. Things haven't gone smoothly for them. For the past year I've known him things have become very apparent that he is not happy. We work together and as a work team we occasionally have team nights out which is about 10-20 mixed sexes going out. However my mate is often stopped attending these by his wife and if he is allowed to come out she constantly text him and is strict on time keeping. He has to ask permission to go out anywhere and gets the third degree when he asked. Life at home isn't described as fair as quite often he's not allowed to cook because he makes too much mess he's not allowed to sit on the sofas because he messes them up. Every so often he asks if things like this happen in my marriage . Recently he confessed that he has tried to leave his wife 3 time and on the second time he had a fling with a female friend. He has confessed this to his wife when trying to split for the third time and now despite her asking him to stay she is beating him , drinking heavy, and generally dictating to him and controlling his life. When I've tried to talk to him about it he feels that he deserves it and that he brought it on him self and I don't judge him for having a fling I said that no human deserves to be beaten for any reason. He is staying with her be say he feels it is the right thing to do and because they have a young daughter together he feels he must stay to ensure that he gets the violence and outburst although he doesn't think his wide would ever hurt the child. What more can I say to give him support I worry for his safety but I don't want to make things worse.

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    It is hard to stand by and not intervene when your friend is making decisions that you do not agree with. As an adult he has the right to make his own decisions, wise ones and ones that you can see are not in his best interest. I know how hard it is to resist the urge to tell him what to do...point out the risks he is taking, however, until he is ready to hear he will continue to dismiss what you say (as is his right).

    The best you can do at this stage is be there for him, maintaining his trust in you by biting your tongue and not pushing your opinions on him.

    May I offer you a hug for being a supportive friend.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Tasha1701D (01-14-2014)

  4. #3
    Unregistered Guest
    Thanks for your advise. I just worry that things are escelating and that he is being abused more and more. And I think more people are blaming him for having a fling and making him feel like he deserves the punishment but I worry that one day he'll end up being stabbed or worse killed

  5. #4
    Join Date
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    I understand how hard it is to stand by and do nothing...but that often is all that you can and should do. Doesn't mean that you can't give your opinion/advice if he asks for it...but only if asked. Most helpful thing you can do is to support him as a friend...as a caring friend who he knows he can talk to, be accepted and not judged.

    Remember to take care of yourself...supporting someone through a crisis as you are doing can be very emotionally demanding.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  6. #5
    Unregistered Guest
    Well today I had a chance to chat to my friend. He wants to leave his wife but he's very scared that he'll lose everything of being alone without his 2 year old daughter and though the physical abuse has seemed to eased off he is not allowed out , he's not allowed to spend time on his computer and she kicks off a shoutin match if he turns down sexy every night. I really had no advise for him to think about his feelings but he said just being able to talk to me about it helps.

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