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Thread: Ok.. I feel like an A******

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Ok.. I feel like an A******

    ... but I need help guys. First off, I'm not a survivor. My girlfriend, however, is. We started dating shortly after the, um, incident. I was the first person she told, and she says that I really help her cope with the problems. I'm always there for her, I always listen.. I promise, I'm trying. I nudged her into getting into counseling, I tried to make her see it wasn't her fault... Look, what I'm saying is that I've tried to do good by her. I really have. I think, on a personal grading scale, I'm pretty supportive.

    I love this girl. I love everything about her, even the parts that drive me nuts. She's moving in with me, we're practically inseparable. I can't imagine my life without her. That's why I feel terrible writing this.

    I... I don't know how to put this. I really don't. I guess... I just want to be with someone else sometimes. Anytime. I love her to death, I really do. We have a pretty normal relationship, emotionally, sexually, in pretty much every way. But... every once in awhile, and it's been becoming more frequent, there's these moments where this shadow comes over her face, you know? I thought I was helping, but then.. it just stopped. And she gets so distant, and wont talk about what's wrong so I can try to help.. I just want to help, and I know I shouldn't bug her about it, but I know damn well what's one her mind. But I'm just terrified that I've done something wrong which caused it, and I want to know what that s so I can stop it. She says I usually help by just talking, but, you know, I have a habit of talking myself into a hole. I try to get her to laugh, usually.. that mostly works. Most nights, she's just really jumpy when we're sleeping, but normally if I just say it's ok or something, that wears off. She's always jumpy though.. I usually can't move two inches without making her jump.

    Then there are the worst nights. It's been over a year now, but there are still nights where I'll wake up to her next to me sobbing. I'll just not know what to do, I'll try comforting her, and I'll just hold her, and, christ it breaks my heart... I love her just so much, but I don't know how much more I can take. It hurts, and the reason I feel like an asshole is that I know it hurts her more than me, and that I have no right to hurt, and that it's a selfish thing to think. I just sometimes almost daydream about what it'd be like to be with someone who doesn't jump all through the night, who I don't have to hold and comfort when they start sobbing, who doesn't lash out at me, not meaning to... who I don't feel constantly like I'm making everything worse and who doesn't make me fear that every move I make will trigger a flashback. I just... I'll be honest, I'm tearing up writing this. Whenever I daydream about this, it's always her, just not this way.

    I just need to know if this is ever going to get better? I love her so much, but this is driving me batty. I hate myself for feeling this way. Everyone else is looking so tempting, though, but I wont let myself cheat. I can't do that. I want to be with her.. but it just is too hard sometimes. Please, someone help me out here, throw me a line, tell me that it gets better over time or something.. I'm always supportive of her, and she has no idea I think these things. God, I'd never tell her, it'd crush her. I don't want to think these things.. every day I hate myself more for it. Is the way I'm feeling normal, or am I just a terrible person? Because I feel like a terrible person for even contemplating cheating or breaking up with her.. any of it..

    Mod edit: swear deleted from title

  2. #2
    Unregistered Guest


    Sorry for the typos, I posted that in a haze.. there's a point where I wrote "anytime". That was an abandoned train of thought, I didn't mean "I'd do that anytime.." The exact opposite really.....

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Hi great you've stepped in for the support you need and deserve.

    What your girl friend has been through is very big and it is great you are there for her; supporting her...Healing from a traumatic event like she has been through is usually a emotional roller-coaster...two steps back one step forward journey...like all abuse survivors she will heal in her own way and time...indeed it is important to give her permission to do this.

    What you are doing...letting her express her feelings when she is able, being there for her in non-judgmental way is the best thing you can possibly do.

    What you and her are going through is tough...can be emotionally draining on even the most devoted partnership. It is important that you do not lose touch with your own needs in your keenness to be there for your girlfriend. I know that she does not yet feel ready to work with a therapist...which you will need to accept and respect...however I wonder if you have considered this option for yourself...would be someone to talk to who would understand what you are going through...help you get it off your chest and feel supported. idk if this is an option...but I know from experience how tough it is to support someone through what is likely to be a longish healing journey and believe to do it effectively you also need to feel supported.
    You ask does it get better. As someone who has been there I can reassure you...that yes - with support it does.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    committing to someone that has a trauma history is challenging. you will likely find a depth that you might not with other partners, rewards for knowing that you truly are helping but you must not let her issues become yours. when we care, we try to empathize with another, that can be very supportive. trying to "fix" or distract someone from their problems is not helpful long term. people with deep seated traumatic responses need professional guidance, imo, and you can be support to that help but you cannot be the solution. i imagine what you are experiencing is burn out, burn out from trying too hard.

    sometimes, too much support enables a person to remain stuck where they are. if i know you will come running when i feel upset or panicky, then that's a reward of sorts. yes, it totally sucks to experience ptsd reactions but we all are our own keepers and it's our responsibility to heal. no one else can do that for us, only stand beside us as we walk the path.

    it's important that you keep your own balance with outside activities, friends, family, etc. we sometimes can be a black hole and suck the energy from people IF they let us. it's not intentional but it happens. this is where many relationships fail imo, keeping good boundaries is crucial.

    a cuddle in the night when she is sobbing might be helpful but if it becomes habit then i would question what is really needed. we often lack the skills, awareness, courage to find what we need. learning to speak up, ask for things, to solve problems, learning to cope with emotions, to manage stress is what makes healing possible.

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