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Thread: Letter to a friend suffering abuse

  1. #11
    Huck Finn Guest

    Pondering

    So, I thought about my friend and her situation a little more in depth. I realized that out of all the guys from her past, I am the only guy with a "clean" history. Every guy has either been kicked out of the Army, a felon, unemployed and a leech, or something else negative. I am the only one who hasn't relied on her for financial or emotional support, and I am not a "bad boy". Could this be part of the reason she doesn't want anything to do with me? I don't know how women think, and I am getting the impression that I am too far from her norm to be trusted. I am medically retired from the Army (which is honorable), I have my own income and own place to live. I don't depend on her for anything and don't expect anything from her. I live the American moral life, no drugs, no drinking, no smoking, work hard and pay taxes. I have always been responsible and tried to be a good person. Is this something that a woman in her situation would find a threat? It feels like she is so accustomed to living in fear of a "good" life that anything outside her norm (i.e. an abuser or druggie or unemployed alcoholic) is dangerous and can't be trusted. I hope this makes sense, I wasn't exactly sure how to explain the situation briefly.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    2,444
    it takes a lot of work to understand we deserve better. many of us re-create situations that are demeaning as that is our comfort zone, chaos being familiar, thinking that we are not good enough for a healthy life. it's kind of like picking up where the abuser left off, the names continue but in our own minds, the belittling, the lack respect becomes the lack of self respect. we then find partners willing to play out the role.

    so yes, in a sense, you being honorable, trustworthy, does not fit with what we know, our experience. we have to uncover the false beliefs we have first, be willing to then take steps to a more stable future. two steps forward, one step back is how it works with me. i know logically what is best for my future but there is always a draw to that which is familiar. it's compelling. i have to fight against old patterns of thought.

    she may not be there, ready to see clearly, or is only able to catch a glimpse of what is possible. it has to come in her time tho. no one can make someone see the truth if they are not ready.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to terry for this useful post:

    Jane (12-31-2013),Red*Fraggle (12-28-2013)

  4. #13
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    588
    I just wanted to say that I admire the fact that you are looking out for her.
    Too many people look away these days.

    It's sad to have to wait till someone is ready to step out of the world of abuse, but forcing one won't work, that's abusive in an other way. you need to wait and show here there is room for free choice. a free mind, free will, free speech.
    Be encouraging, and having endlessly patience, she will realize one day, this is no life.
    And then she needs all the support.

    Being a bystander is hard, and difficult. looking away is easy.
    I am a survivor, I left the situation years before my best friend did. All the days I saw her being abused, yes that hurt, but it I would have driven her into the abusers arms further if I had forced her to come with me, All I could do was speak about how wonderful life was when being free.

  5. The following user says thank you to Kristy for this useful post:

    Jane (12-31-2013)

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