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Thread: A Soda Can's Cry For Help..

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Louisiana
    Posts
    2

    A Soda Can's Cry For Help..

    Well for starters, Hi everyone. I'm a 17 year old girl from LA. And the thing is.. I have a really bad cutting problem. No matter what it is I do I can't stop. And when I don't do it I feel like- well, you know when you shake up a can of soda and when you open it, it explodes and it's contents fiz over and end up everywhere? Well, I'm that can of soda. When I don't cut it feels like all of my emotions are building up and just pushing me to this point where when a situation happens that upsets me even more, I open up and explode. And when I do, I have an anxiety attack sometimes and occasionally cry hysterically. Right before self harming. The way I hurt myself depends on how upset I am. And a lot of times, it's really bad. Sometimes, I feel like it doesn't even matter if I hurt myself or not. I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. All I can say is I'm losing all hope in everything and I really need help. I don't know what to do anymore. And you know what really hurts? It's that my parents know that I cut, and badly. I started cutting when I was maybe 13-14 years old. I had been in my room one night and my parents were fighting and my dad had come in yelling and cursing at me for something, as he always had. And things only escalated from there. Long story short, that night i crawled under my desk and cried, for a whole hour. Things like this went on every day of my childhood. And at this point the pain in my chest was so overwhelming that all i could do was curl up and hold myself through those tears. Then I had a thought. One of those terrible thoughts one should never think. I don't want to live. That was when I first started to lose hope in life. And a few days after I remember I started grabbing a pair of scissors and scratching myself. My parents caught sight of what i was doing pretty quickly. But the only thing they could ever do was and is stare at me with even more disgust and tell me im stupid. Anyways, at one point in my life the physical and emotional abuse in my family got to such a point that I started to run away. I even remember spending a night in freezing cold weather (or well at least as cold as new orleans can possible ge in the winter time) wearing only jeans and a t-shirt. And I was willing to sit through that just so I didn't have to go back home. Later on though I was kicked out and I walked to my grandmothers house and ended up staying there and living with her till i was 16. During that time Ihad tried to take my own life by over dosing. but what ended up happening is I got my stomache pumped ad was sent to a phyciatric hospital for 7 days. Anyways after that year was over, I started going to public school for the first time (i had always either gone to a private school or done homeschooling.). The school year before i had met a girl wo had quickly become a good friend of mine. Often I would stay over night at her house too, just so i wouldnt have to get rides from my mom, who didn't even want to have to spend 20 mins in the morning on that ride to school with me anyways. Then the time came where I moved back in from my grandmas, to my moms. And thats when i started spending every night of the school week at my friends. only coming home on the weekends. Thing is though, my friends mom started to wonder why i never wanted to go home. As much as i wanted to tell them the truth i didnt. Instead I started staying home again because i was starting to feel like a burden there anyways. Then something happened. And it ended with my mom telling me she hated me and both my parents shoving me out the door and telling me to never come back. And i ran. I ran the entire way to my friends house. And finally when i reached it and she opened the door, i broke down in seconds and cried in front of her for the first time. I'd never done that outside of anyone in my family. But i hadnt intended too...I just couldnt hold it in anymore. Later that night i told my friend what happened. And it was the first time i had ever told anyone about what goes on in my house. What ended up happening was, they let me stay. and for the nex 8 months after that i lived with my friend her mom and my friends little brother. Then, something happened. my friends mom was in debt and losing her house, and things with me were getting bad again. Id often get depressed or "clam up" and stay in the room for days. Then one night, I walked into my friends room and found her on the floor..with blood everywhere. I lost it at that point. My best friend. Was right in front of me..dying. Or so I thought at the time. Her cuts were long and deep but not fatal. She ended up going to the hospital and getting stitches, and thank god..she hadnt been commited like i had been just the year before. After that was over I got really depressed. I blamed myself for what had happened and i started to cut again, and with the same knife my friend had used. Because I knew it was my fault. and I deserved it. That's what i told myself. Eventually i moved out and back in with my grandmother. things didnt exactly work out there either because i still continued to feel like a burden. causing pain to everyone around me. so i left and moved back in with my parents. thats where i am now. and to be honest. i still cut, almost every day. I'm sad, and im hurting. and i wake up depressed all the time..and i hate it. I cant talk to anyone because i only make life worse for them. and my parents think I need to "get over myself". The other day my dad told me he wished i was dead and that I'm a "piece of sh*t daughter". after that i went to my room and cut myself again. My arm was covered in deep gashes and this time it was so bad i couldnt stop. so i called my grandma to come get me. she bandaged me up and i stayed with her for 2 nights before coming back. Now today, I'm still having urges. And when i do cut i feel happier after. and i walk around laughing and joking and just being the vibrant happy person I wish I could really be. I just need someone I can relate to and get feedback from. Because I wanna get help. I don't want to die. I need someone...That's why im here. I'm sorry if i wrote anything offensive here ^ i dont really know how i should express myself but I know i dont wanna just sugar coat it and act like i don't have a problem. because i know that i do. I just need anyone out there. just one person even..to help me. To talk to me. To actually listen. To say they care. To say they don't want me to die. Because right now, it seems like it really wouldnt matter whether or not I do live or don't. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this. :(
    Bubblegum Princess <3~

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Calgary, Canada
    Posts
    4,084
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    I'm am truly sorry for all that you've been through. I want to tell you that you are definitely not alone with this. Many of the members here struggle a great deal with self harm. Some of your story reminded me of some of my darkest days. Besides SI, I have DID, major depressive episodes, OCD and anxiety disorder. To keep it simple, I'll say that I do self harm but not nearly as much as I used to. There were many days that I, too, wanted to end my life. I didn't just want it, I attempted it! I tried overdosing 4 times, the last one came very close. I was in a coma in intensive care for days and when I came to, I had been intubated. When they removed that tube it was the worst feeling ever. Afterward I could barely speak or swallow for days. They moved me to the psych unit and I began to have grand mal seizures because they had to take me off all my meds cold turkey because I had damaged my kidneys with the OD. I also tried to h*ng myself twice and one time when I "escaped" from the psych unit, I was found walking on the LRT tracks waiting to get hit by a train. I did not remember some of this because of the DID. Most of my psych admissions were anywhere from 2-4 weeks but the very first one was 13 weeks long. I am now 52 years old and have 2 sons and they are my motivation to continue going on. I wanted to share a bit of my story so that when I say I understand...I mean it because I do. I'm sure many other members here have similar stories and will understand how you feel. This is a great, safe site to look to for caring support. If you ever need to talk, feel free to send me a message. Hang in there....it will get better...:dtb
    MANYSOULS

    Sometimes I question my sanity, occasionally it replies!!!

  3. The following user says thank you to Manysouls for this useful post:

    jlc20m (06-07-2012)

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