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Thread: DID info and issues

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    DID info and issues

    I donít know if I need help or advice or just someone understanding to talk to. The man I love, Steve, has DID. He has always been open with me about it although he claims he doesnít just come out and tell people about it. So I donít know if that makes me special to him or what. I still donít know why he chose to tell me. Anyway, he and I are not in a relationship per se. Weíre just friends but I want more.

    The problem is I donít think his alter, Andy, likes me. (He only has the one). Andy has never made it clear why he doesnít like me and it may not even be dislike but just distrust. I know he doesnít want a relationship. Steve, on the other hand, does want a relationship. At least one in general; heís never expressed wanting one with me. Iím not even sure if Steve likes me in that way even though we have shared very non-sexual intimate moments. Lately, these moments have led to very good sexual encounters.

    Steve knows Iím in love with him. Or should I say Iíve told him I love him. Iím not sure he ďknowsĒ. But heís never verbally expressed any feelings for me. He has said that even though he wants a relationship (in general), he doesnít think his situation will allow it because he and Andy want different things. He says he wants a girl to love him unconditional. And I do. He just doubts me every time.

    So I know Andy is like his protector but I think he is the one hindering all of Steveís relationships. Andy tries to convince Steve that all girls are out to hurt him. I think he has stepped away from merely protecting him to now controlling him. Of course I canít tell Steve this because I donít want to upset Andy and sabotage our relationship.

    Another thing: I canít tell them apart (unless Iím being verbally attached and my intentions are being questioned.) So I believe I love Andy too. Even though they are separate, they are both still Steve. (Correct me if I am wrong about that.) And I love Steve completely.

    How do I convince Andy that my love for Steve is real? How do I convince him that I donít want to hurt Steve and that I am in this for life? I donít feel like I really need to try to convince Steve anymore because I think he only doubts me because Andy tells him to.

    And should I even try to pursue a relationship with someone who cannot express his feelings for me verbally. I can feel the love when heís with me, but I donít know it without hearing the words. Then thereís the part of me that feels it is wrong to want a relationship with Steve if Andy is not on board. What Steve does affects Andy and what Andy doesnít do or wonít allow affects Steve. It seems one of them will have to compromise.

    But I donít want to live my life without him, without them. I want an intimate relationship with Andy, one that can lead to a long lasting marriage to Steve. Is this even possible? I should mention that all three of us are in our 30s.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    well, this might be very controversial, but i'll just give my honest thoughts here. not representing staff, just personal opinion.

    i believe that DID is - one person who dissociates to the point that a few separate alters develop. it is all one mind, one body, one person. but they are split up into a few separate ones. just such a condition. those alters feel separate, an are indeed separate, in a psychological sense, - yet they all form one big person: the person who they all split up from, the physical/legal body. its one mind split up into a few. not a few random ones somehow happening to share one body. thats science fiction to me.

    so. andy is not a whole separate person in addition to steve. not like unpleasant inlaws you gotta tolerate. the person youre in love with is a combination of steve an andy. thats just how it works. just like you cannot be in love with someone when they happy, an simultaneously not get along with them when they are sad. you love the whole person. an with those who have did - it means loving this whole bunch of their alters. cuz they all constitute your loved one. cant pick an chose here.

    so my take on it is that you dont convince andy that you love steve an the relationship will be good for steve. you convince andy that you love them both, andy an steve, an want a relationship with both of them, an it will be good for both of them. that is, of course, if you feel this way. if you dont - might want to re-evaluate the whole thing, idk.

    taking sides an interfering with arguments between parts of a did system is never a good idea imho. if only cuz they will always be together, an will prolly figure out their disagreements eventually an get along one way or another, sooner or later. so if you get caught up in the middle of a conflict - you might be the one suffering in the end...

    gl to you
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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    ok with
    The other reason why it is not attention seeking behavior is because once someone is diagnosed with DID/MPD they often times believe there is something really wrong with them, that itís proof they are crazy, theyíre going to be locked up, and lose all respect in the families and/or communities. Richard Berendzen in his book, Come Here, stated it perfectly, ďIf your body were hurting, people would send you flowers, but if your mind is hurting they throw bricks." Staying hidden is their only protection from persecution.

    This is perfect. Thank you for this article. it helped immensely.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    just wanted to say thank you for posting this. it is very helpful and informational for many people i believe.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Thank you for that.... feeling safe for the minute

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2014

    Whatever comes, Let it come.
    Whatever stays, Let it stay.
    Whatever goes, Let it go..

  7. #7
    Unregistered Guest


    I'm wondering if any folks out there have any personal experience with integration? Alters left in the front position for too long tailspin, and then burn out, not so funÖso we're beginning to question our previous dislike of the term "integration." At this point walls between alters are pretty thin and transparent, so when one is out, nine times out of ten, those inside know what's happening with the one who's out. I've read that some believe this to be "integration" in a way- integration being a process, sharing intel between parts as part of that process. The burn out of the part/alter left in the front position seems to indicate, to me anyway, that whatever we're doing isn't working anymore. It used to work, but something's got to change. Thing is I'm struggling with even picturing how to make us all closer still. And then if we merge parts aren't we just going to make another personality/identity- yeah, it's composed of everybody, but isn't that still just another identity?

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Welcome to the Fort

    I have a long-standing history of DID...unlike you I am not co-conscious with my parts...but have learned more about them as my T has always recorded our sessions/her discussions with them. Because my system is so long established and in the main fairly functional integration has never really been one of my treatment goals...however despite this on occasions characteristics, traits and knowledge from one of my parts leaks across into my consciousness (e.g. one morning I woke up with an indepth knowledge of Latin a language that I have never studied. When this happens the info that is transferred stays with me...becomes mine. My T says this is an example of integration.

    I hope sharing my personal experience helps.

    I don't know if you have thought about becoming a member of our community...many of us here live with DID so plenty of people to share and discuss things with.

    If you are an abuse survivor and 16 or over this is an option you may like to consider. http://www.fortrefuge.com/forum/register.php

    For you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2014

    im not seeing the info

    im not seeing the info when i click the thread the first post is a comment the thread itself :( help ?
    Everything will be ok in the end....if it's not ok, it's not the end

  10. #10
    Unregistered Guest
    If you're an RA survivor and have a therapist, I recommend giving your therapist a book called "Healing the Unimaginable". It has some really great information for therapists and also some good integration stories. Some choose to not integrate, but co-habitate. Basically that means getting your system to get along with each other, and creating comfy places for them to heal.

    Hope this helps!

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