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  • 07-29-2018, 08:47 AM
    theunwanted
    Hello and to Fort. Only have a little to say on this because I guess I am still working on the whys. Our abuse started in childhood but we have struggled with abusive relationships into adulthood. Type of abuse changes sometimes but it always follows a very familiar pattern. Feeling that I deserved it, that it was this or having nothing, even believing the pain they caused was their way of showing they cared for me. For me, I never shared the childhood abuse with anyone and I gave up taking about and fighting about the other relationships. Of course that was long before I found this places or got help. Before I knew there was any possibility of other than a life of being hurt or being alone. The folks here can be a wealth of information, be sure and check out the library they have set up too. That and the peer support here can make a real difference,
  • 07-26-2018, 07:09 AM
    LivingFree
    Thank you Jane. My issue is with my mom and sister continually asking. My children have been through counseling and they understand better than anyone the "whys" and everything else. But this article will be a great help with my mom and my sister. I'm trying to handle it gently. I have explained the cycle to them but actually reading it may be more useful. I just really don't want to rehash this every week when I call them. It is exhausting for me.
  • 07-15-2018, 02:29 PM
    Jane
    Hi Livingfree

    First of all I'm glad you finally got to the point of saying 'no' - splitting up with your abusive ex...that you are now in a supportive relationship.

    Hear you about your kids asking why. As travellers with you as you journeyed through the not ok stuff - thinking and asking you why you stayed for as long as you did. As a person who was also felt trapped in a toxic relationship...hurt on a daily basis I often find it hard to comprehend why I stayed...why I didn't see my options early on and leave. Now realise that I felt emotionally captured...hoped things would get better, that I could change him (even though he was happy as he was). Have come to realise that spousal abuse is a big, complex subject - one I only started to get to grips with after I left (still sometimes show I haven't by having an " how could I have moment". Wonder if it would help your kids to get their heads round the complex dynamic that play out and trap both the abuser and the abused who find themselves in an abusive intimate relationship to read about the power of the 'cycle of abuse'...have a good article on this dynamic in out library http://www.fortrefuge.com/cycle-of-abuse.php...Other thing I found helped is to actively listen to my son, acknowledge his feelings let him know I am sorry that my choices placed in a situation where he had to witness and live with the tension and discord between me and my now ex - how he deserved better. Not always comfortable for me to hear his upset, however helps me a lot to temper that by acknowledging that he has every reason to feel upset and full of questions when he thinks back on being a kid in the centre of a domestic discord that he had no control over.

    To reassure you...with time and openness it seems to me that my son has been able to move on...has a clearer idea of the dynamics that keep people trapped in relationships that are not serving them well.
  • 07-15-2018, 11:39 AM
    LivingFree

    Advice/Thoughts Appreciated on Dealing With Family

    I have been out of my abusive situation for over five years. I am remarried to a very supportive, gentle, loving man that also loves my children. But my mom and one of my sisters (I have six) continue to ask me why I took the abuse and why I didn't leave the first time. I have continued to share the "reason" I stayed and continue to share with them that it's something they will never understand because they are not me and have never been in my situation. They both become quite agitated with me that I didn't leave. I need to nip this conversation for my own sanity. Please share your thoughts on how to move forward with them.

    Thank you!

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