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  • 11-10-2017, 12:58 PM
    Thank you so much, Jane. You proved that it can be done. I really appreciate your story and your help.
  • 11-10-2017, 12:20 PM
    Read your story and can relate - in my case my partner (now ex) did not really exploit me financially (had enough money of his own to not need to help himself to mine). However he did consistently put his own wishes and interests ahead of mine - did not play at all fair when it came to fairness and equity. In the end (after unsuccessful couple counselling, pleading etc) I decided enough was enough.

    Contributing to the debt and wasteful spending of another would upset me too. Even more so as in my country a partner's debt credit rating would impact on my own. Idk would it help to talk to a lawyer (one who had expertise in financial planning, matrimonial financial affairs) work out a way to tie things up so that he could not dip into your accounts. I know this would not stop him from pressuring you, emotionally trying to undermine your resolve. Is a hard thing I know to rise above your wish to please someone who you love and see that they are taking advantage of you - that giving in will not further their regard for you - just continue to reinforce the message that with enough cajoling and pleading you will give in and give them what they want even if it is not in your best interests to do so.

    As I read what I have written I am thinking to myself it is so easy to be wise after the event - remember when I was in this kind of manipulative stuff I was an easy target...said a lot but did not follow this up with effective action. Looking back can see I relied on him hearing me and having a change of heart and behaviour - he didn't

    What helped me (after I left) was to work with a therapist...enabled me to see that true love does not come with a requirement to give in to pressure or give your assets away to someone who claims them as their right...that functional relationships are about mutual respect and in my opinion this includes honouring the right of your partner to maintain sovereignty over their earnings and property.

    Hope what I have shared helps.

    Just had a further thought - have this article on financial abuse in our library that you may find useful
  • 11-10-2017, 10:53 AM

    Financial Abuse

    Iíve been with my boyfriend now for 10 months, and through most of our relationship Iíve paid for everything. I have paid for hotels for him, helped him get a camper, pay for dinners, pay for his rent, pay for gas, pay for anything and everything. And for some stupid reason, I keep letting him do this to me. He just put $105 on my credit card today. He used $650 of my money this week for lawyers and for a rental car. I keep blocking him and then unblock him. I need some support. I just feel so alone and stupid.

    And heís done other domestic violence things before, but here I am, still with him.
  • 05-02-2017, 09:14 AM
    Agree so much with Manya..
    Towards the end of my mariage my ex husband made sure I had no access to money,had the landline cut off so I couldn't phone anyone and never gave enough money to my youngest son who was still at secondary school and therefore couldn't fully afford having anything to eat at midday..
    This is financial abuse I leave someone virtually destitute and without the wherewithal to even get a taxi should an emergency happen ( I don't drive and we lived in a very rural part of England at the time).
    I rather think he did this out of spite more than anything else plus he had the upper hand in that I am agoraphobic so he knew my options were very limited in being able to change this.
  • 04-30-2017, 09:57 AM


    Thanks everyone for responding to my post with your thoughts. I really appreciate the input, I really do.

    Personally, I did not think I was being financially abusive, but it is nice to hear others offer the same opinion.

    Again, thanks everyone!!!!
  • 04-29-2017, 07:17 PM
    i agree with jane and sunflower, but also got strong feelings on the subject, so gonna ramble for a while

    i think the word "abuse" is sometimes used pretty frivolously. dictionary definition is - improper use, misuse, cruel and violent treatment. i.e. someone is doing something they arent supposed to do, simply because they can, taking advantage of the victim's vulnerability. for example, when a parent beats up a child - thats abuse, cuz the parent has the childs implicit trust and full control over him/her: legally, physically, emotionally, and financially. they have this power to ensure the child's wellbeing, and are misusing it to cause harm. thats abuse, something they should go to prison for.

    on the other hand, when an acquaintance calls me a b8tch and tells me to f off - i guess could call it "verbal abuse", "abusive language", etc - but meh lol. gotta draw lines somewhere, or else im afraid of turning into this eternal victim who's feeling abused by everyone around. acquaintances have no power over me, so i dont view whatever they do as abuse, simply cuz i can take their advice and f off, i.e. never interact with them again.

    financial abuse exists, and is devastating. for example, when two people are married, have shared assets, a joint bank account, both are depositing their paychecks into it, and yet one locks the other out of it, takes away their bank card, and the other has to beg for weeks for $5 to buy personal care products. thats financial abuse. or, another example, when a younger relative tricks a senior suffering from dementia into giving away their possessions, so the senior who used to have good retirement, real estate, etc - ends up in a crappy nursing home on social security benefits. thats financial abuse too.

    when we're talking two capable adults, i have a simple question that resolves all these abuse accusations for me: would each of them be better off or worse off if they split up? you fiance's complaint is financial abuse, yet, from what you're saying, should you split up - you'd be fine, and she'd be a lot worse off cuz she'd have to start paying her rent, bills, food, transportation, etc. so idk how can she be a victim of financial abuse if shes better off with you than without you? maybe she could complain of some other forms of abuse, verbal, physical, sexual, i have no idea what kinda relationship you have - but financial abuse im not seeing at all.

    for you
  • 04-29-2017, 06:14 PM
    Actual fact for me and my partner of many years is that we have never merged our incomes. Have an amount we each put into a joint account to pay for non personal/shared bills. Rest of our money goes into our own accounts. We decide to buy something biggish often agree to go halves - however if it is something that one rather than both of us will use...don't (unless we have a rush of generousity) go halves in that. Does not mean we do not 'treat' each other if either of us has an urge to. Feel I have no claim on my partner's savings...but do know that if I was ever in a financial fix she would bail me out - just as I would her.

    Works for us...probably because we are both happy with this arrangement...and have fairly similar feelings about $$$'s and what are our own...what are our shared assets and resources. I have some well loved family property as has she. Our families know that if either of us fall of the 'mortal coil' this property will remain in its family of origin.
  • 04-29-2017, 05:49 PM
    Already like what Jane said. Imo, Just really depends on expectations and agreements set before merging finances.

    My ex and I got into lots of fights over this. At the time, I was making half he was and supporting my disabled child. The doctor bills were quite high....I had little left. If he wanted to go on a date, he had to pay for us both or I couldn't go cause my priority was medical stuff...I was not going to pay half and not have med monies. (Imo, nothing to fight about, just simply ok to stay home and do something nice) I felt that helping with his child care issues compensated for that cause I was literally working as much as him, but also managing lots of stuff all the way up until bedtime, and more on the weekends as well, imo. He always had more free time and more disposable income, partially cause I helped drive his kid to piano lessons and the like...partly cause of what I brought into the relationship. (My kid was ill at the time)

    He originally agreed to pay the pricier utilities and gave me cheaper ones to offset some of the discrepency in our earning powers (both of us working 8 hr days at the time) we negotiated this...we also negotiated a bit of rent ratio cause he picked a place a bit more luxury than I was looking at. Where I got into an issue was I felt like us merging households was actually a marriage without a document, he agreed that is how he thought as well...and that we would be pretty much a married couple. So while he contributed more financially, I contributed more in other resources like chores and the child care of his daughter. So while I took off 2-4 weeks from work to watch his kid, loosing a lot of money that month, he was able to work and had enough to go on our family vacation....without me. Had I worked those weeks, I woulda had enough to split it with him. Even tho it was a road trip and literally cost him nothing extra for me to go(on this annual tradition of ours.) He wanted it split, or he went without me. He went without me. Way I saw it was, by watching his kid, I was freely sacrificing my role at my job for the betterment of us as a family....I was simply behaving as I would have had I been a wife and all resources of time, family, parenting, chores, finances, should be shared and decided and each of us focusing on contributions that made sense for us to contribute to us as a family.

    I guess my long winded point is, that for some folks, deciding on how to negotiate financial resources may be dynamic and related to other resources of time and such. Or some folks may feel that their contributions should be a ratio of their income and ya both deposit a if I earn 60% of what you do, I may pay 60% rent. Still some may feel that all monies need to be comingled and belong to both parties with equal say in spending all monies...or maybe some other formula, idk. Yet, I still think for things to go well folks have to talk clearly and openly about what their thoughts and expectations are as soon as possible cause lots of stress can be over monies.

    Just cause a person expected something, doesn't mean I have to agree to it...or continue to agree to it Also, just cause I expect something is fair, well, certainly many will disagree with that too.
    Imo, what is most important is HOW you two work this out...could be telling of other stuff, general ability to cooperate and negotiate.


    Oh, imo, "financially abusive" in what you describe wouldn't even enter my mind.
  • 04-29-2017, 04:28 PM
    From what you describe it does not sound like you are financially abusive. Does sound like you and your partner have different expectations when it comes to sharing costs...also different feelings about you meeting the contractual financial obligations you have to your children (can understand why this one matters to you - for me it would be a non-negotiable. )

    Fact is beyond you both paying your share (half) of your joint costs eg rent, rates, food etc) you have no automatic claim on each other's finances. Yep you can agree to differ this expectation however if like in your case this is causing problems in your relationship I wonder if it would help to formalise what you have both agreed to...develop a budget of your income and costs and any discretionary financial goals and how you have agreed to pay for these. Get it down in writing. In my city we have free budgetary services who help people to sort out their financial issues may be worth checking if you have something similar where you live.

    My thoughts for what they are worth.
  • 04-29-2017, 03:35 PM

    Financial Abuse

    Recently during an argument with my fiance, she accused me of being financially abusive. So, I just wanted to make a post to get opinions if I am financially abusive. Here is our background:

    My fiance and I have lived together for about 15 months. In terms of income, I make much more than she does as she is on disability. When we first moved in together, we discussed a little bit about her paying a little bit towards our expenses (whether it be paying one utility bill, paying for groceries once a month, etc.). However, we soon got into an argument about that possibility as she suddenly felt that she should not have to help pay for anything. Since my income already covered the rent and other expenses with no problem, I just dropped it as it was nothing I wanted to argue about.

    Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. About two weeks ago, I had to reconcile some financial issues with my ex-wife, regarding expenses for my children. My fiance stated emphatically that she disagreed with the agreement I made with my ex-wife. So since I did not do what she wanted me to do, my fiance accused my of being financially abusive and we got into a huge argument. During the argument, she stated other "examples" of my financially abusive behavior such as not buying her a car (as she does not have one) or keeping enough money on our laundry card to use in our apartment complex's laundry room (which happened once).

    Personally, I do not feel that any of the above things are financially abusive. I understand that any financial decisions I make now can/will impact our future after we are married. However, since we are still just engaged, decisions I make regarding my finances (specifically my child expenses) are still my decision. As for the other examples I stated, I really do not believe they are financially abusive.

    So again, I just would like some opinions about this matter.

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