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  • 11-25-2017, 02:44 AM
    So relate to what you have shared freedom - even while knowing that DV was not that uncommon - that it was mostly hidden behind closed doors, that victims for a multitude of reasons do not reach our for support did not protect me from becoming held captive by the sick dynamic of an unhealthy relationship.

    If anyone had told me this was how it would be ahead of time I would have laughed in there face - no way.

    Truth is an abusive relationship often does not start this way...nor are abusers all bad. In my case there was enough good to give me hope that somehow I would be able to get through to this man I loved - get him to become the partner I so wished him to be.

    Thing I didn't factor in was that he was happy being as he was - saw no reason to change. Was not until I accepted that I had no control over this decision that I was forced to face the reality of my situation that I had the choice to accept him as he was or walk away. It was hard - incredibly hard but I chose the later.
  • 11-25-2017, 01:47 AM


    I agree with Jane. I use to think I was the only one that had gone through DV until I found this site. Everyone here has been very supportive and understanding. When I first started opening up with people I knew about what I had gone through and about what happened to me, everyone seemed to be in shock that I could be a victim. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I "allowed the abuse". It's been almost 2 years and I still feel like this at times, but I can honestly say that it has gotten slightly easier and it has helped to talk to people about it. I do a lot of things to help myself heal from the trauma of the DV though. And some days it is a struggle not to just break down crying. But people I've met on here seem to listen and understand. Even though it's heart-breaking at times knowing there are so many out there being abused, it can be comforting to know that there is someone else out there that really and truly understands. Welcome to the Fort! I hope this helps.
  • 08-31-2017, 11:18 PM
    I am sorry you are in this situation...can relate to it. Thing that finally made me leave was the negative impact that living with abuse was having on my son. Reckoned I was making the choice to stay (well not seeing that I had other choices) one my son had no control over...had to live with the consequences of.

    Like your husband my partner used threats to emotionally control me...did this forcefully enough to make me think that I had no safe way forward. Thing that helped me was to contact staff at my local DV shelter...they helped me to see that leaving was an option...that with planning (which they helped me with) it was possible to do this in a way that minimised the risk of harm coming to me and my son. Other thing I did was meet with a legal advisor she helped me set things up ahead of leaving to ensure that I did all possible to protect my property and other rights...also to prepare for the custody battle I knew my partner was likely to mount...reassured me that courts were unlikely to deny a mother custody of her child/ren without a very, very good reason.

    Have to say that leaving was not easy...but like many before me I survived - went on to build a good life for myself and my son.

    I hope what I have shared helps you as you look at your options and decide on what is best for you and your children. Imo no one deserves to be abused...nor any child to live with abuse.

    For you.
  • 08-31-2017, 09:52 PM

    Domestic violence

    My husband physically abuses me and tortures me mentally. We have 2 kids and because of all the abuse ovet the past couple of years, I've become very depressed. He says if i ever leave him, he'll use my depression against me to get the kids. He has held a knife to me many times. Other than yelling out in hopes that one of my neighbours would come and help me (no one ever did) i have no proof of his abuse. I dont know what to do.
  • 08-27-2017, 04:27 PM
    I am so sorry that your husband 'lost it' threw a can at you. Like you I would find that upsetting...more so if he did not apologise or express remorse. Can not tell you if this is a deal breaker. Abuse like everything is somewhat individualistically defined. Know a couple who bellow at and biff each just how they are...part of their family culture...would not suit me however have spoken to the women involved...she told me that she did not take this argy-bargy seriously...took it in her stride - was not an issue. Others think differently hit hem once and they are out of there. Others fall somewhere between these two extremes.

    in a similar position I would probably give my partner an ultimatum...'if you ever etc, etc ' and monitor the situation. Given that this was an out of character act by him hopefully it is a one off. But, accept that how you react from this point must be your decision.

    Hope what I have shared helps.
  • 08-27-2017, 04:18 PM
    Can't tell you what to do. I think that is something you have to come to terms with either way.

    I'll never forget the first time my husband slapped me hard across my face. I was in shock, disbelief! I had no clue he would ever do such a thing. (I spent time in the mirror assessing his finger marks on my face, to be certain it did happen). I spent the day, weeks, ruminating over what had happened, still in shock and disbelief. I think I was a bit paralyzed by my own shock.

    So when it happened again... instead of shock, ...I blamed myself. I blamed me for not leaving at the first slap. Then shame set in, and thus began a cycle of my erroding sense of worth to anything on this planet.

    I do not think my situation is a rare one, quite the opposite. Not sure of any statistics, however, it is my belief that when there is abuse, then it often cycles, and as it cycles through time, it tends to also gradually escalate.

    So many years later, I did find myself again, in a relationship that had a more covert like abusive dynamic and it at one point escalated to violence. My partner and I happened to be in couples counseling when the incident occurred. So we did get lots of guidance from this therapist on how to deal with such a situation.

    The first goal was to stop the cycle of abusive dynamics.
    The next goal was reunification.

    In between that there were clear objectives to be met.
    Clear that the abusive party needed to come clean, admit fault, take responsibility, and do intensive work in solo sessions. The other party also needed to do solo sessions. Couples sessions were halted immediately. Therapist would decide if the parties had done sufficient work to begin a reunification process. ...etc.

    So imo, when abuse/violence is involved in a relationship, then the way I see it is that there needs to be a full stop in the relationship as we know it. And a huge revamping needs to occur...and parties need to do some earnest work, redefine things, and lots of introspection must occur... THEN...the pair can attempt reunification with therapy guidance.

    That is just how I see it now.

    Personally, I would be worried anything less would be misconstrued by my partner as condoning violence between us.

    I spent many years "pretending" many things were ok because I felt my lack of denial was the actual issue.... that was a hard issue to overcome. Helps if I reverse and pop other people in my scenario... would I be ok if this were my niece? What advice would I give her?
  • 08-27-2017, 04:01 PM

    Is once too much?

    My husband and I have been married for 18 months. He never loses his temper very often, because I never give him any reason to get mad about anything. We have a happy marriage and a good life together. He is a kind man generally.
    But yesterday in the garden we got into an argument (which is very rare) He ordered me to go inside the house. When I refused, he picked up a beer can and threw it full force at my head. He didnt apologize or look in shock that he did something wrong . I went inside, showered (I was dripping in beer) and got into bed. Im still here now. He slept downstairs on the couch and I haven't seen him yet.
    Im English and hes Australian and I moved here to be with him. So its not like I can just go around to my mums or a friends house.

    Is one incident of violence too much? Should I be packing up and going back to the uk today? I love my husband and I dont know what to do. I know that type of behavior is completely unacceptable, but do I walk away from a good marriage and everything it took to get here just because of this one incident?
  • 08-23-2017, 04:05 AM
    I'm sorry you feel like this. I know what it feels like to be around people, specifically your children that you love, and yet feel so horribly alone. Don't give up. I have found seeing a trained professional very helpful. They have gently helped me talk when i was ready. Even when i didn't know what to say or how to say it.
    Keep looking for help and answers.
  • 08-22-2017, 06:58 PM

    Thank you

    Thank you I don't know why I didn't think of writing down some stuff on paper first. And I did find a therapist threw my doctor and made an appointment a while back, but it ended up causing a huge fight and then he made it impossible for me to make the appointment so I never bothered trying again after that. Thank you
  • 08-21-2017, 07:17 PM
    Can relate to losing your words when it comes to opening up to others about abuse. Thing that helps me is to write down a few bullet points. Other option is to maybe seek some in real life professional support...I did this and although I still struggled it did help me to have the encouragement of a trained who had the skills to help me relax...break the ice
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