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  • 11-11-2017, 10:56 AM
    Have had the tables and blame turned on

    Frustrating to have to (or at least try to) refute these kind of lies - ones when it is your word against your abusers - in my case an abuser who presented to others as a caring wouldn't say an unkind word to anyone sort of person. To know that your word was the one being doubted. I agree with manya that not being believed is not ranked up there as the biggest thing - however at the time it mattered enormously to me. Looking back I can dismiss this behavior as that of a manipulative man but at the time it caused me enormous stress. Probably was one of the things that finally made me decide that I had to leave.
  • 11-11-2017, 09:49 AM
    My ex did something similar. He started actually punching himself in the face and said he would call the police and have me arrested if I did not obey him. That was my last straw before leaving.

    We have shared custody and he violates it left and right. I have to jump through so many expensive legal hoops to try and get him to follow it.
  • 09-10-2017, 05:14 PM
    it might sound strange and idk if relevant, but wanted to share.
    the more i think about things, like, over the years, the more i realize that a lot of people spend a lot of time focusing on things that just dont matter. like your extended family. i dont mean to say your pain doesnt matter of course, not at all. or that your husbands story might have been true to some extent. its not what im saying. but to your extended family, in the practical every day sense, it really shouldnt matter whats going on with your relationship. thats secondary. what matter a lot more is that you should be safe, healthy, happy with where you are in life and where you are going, that your kids are also safe/healthy/happy, that you love your family and trust them, and that they love you and trust you, etc. thats what matters bottom line imho. the rest is details. and i think sometimes people just dont see forest for the trees, they focus on less important details, like who pushed whom where when why, and ignore the bigger picture. which is what matters the most imho.

    when i was younger i kept trying to straighten out these disagreements, cuz someone was misunderstanding, missing information, having false information, etc, drawing wrong conclusions as a result, perhaps judging me, etc. and so i was eager to clarify my position, to explain to them that they are mistaken, that what happened was totally different from what they imagine, etc. but now i think that these discussions just dont need to be had, maybe. that getting dragged into them, dropping to that level, defending myself, justifying, inviting the person to see things from my perspective, etc - that basically just invites them to continue judging me, deciding if im right or wrong. while thats not the relationship i wanna have with them, you know?

    i do want understanding, empathy, support, etc. of course i do, everyone needs it. but i think maybe im not willing to fight for it anymore? know what i mean? if im not getting this understanding and empathy and support that i want, on some relatively small specific incident/issue - maybe i dont wanna wrestle for it, maybe id rather just put this issue aside and focus on the bigger picture, and invite the other person to focus on the bigger picture too. yeah, they think im wrong, and im sure they are wrong, but does it mean we cant be friends/relatives/etc anymore? sometimes it does. other times it doesnt, it could be that we still care for each other, despite this issue.

    and sometimes i just ask them directly, if this difference of opinion we're having is gonna be a deal breaker for them or not, if they feel we have to resolve it in order to continue the relationship, or we can agree to disagree, put it aside, and remain friends?

    or, if its not even about friendship/love anymore, if that part is ruined beyond repair, and now we're trying to figure out if we can remain civil or need to break contact entirely - sometimes helps me to just get practical about things. like with your family - it doesnt affect them any, whether youre the horrible abuser your ex claims you are or not. even if they believe him totally, and condemn your behavior, and all that - how does it affect practical life? clearly you arent a violent loon assaulting everyone around, so not like they fear for their safety, or for the safety of your children, and the husband who claims to have been abused by you is now gone and out of the picture, so his safety is not a concern either. so what practical difference does it make to them, if you abused him or not, why cant they put the issue to rest? not that they have to, their life, their choice, it just helps me to think of these things, sometimes, to figure out where i myself am standing, if i want this relationship or not, how i wanna proceed with it, etc. whether i wanna perceive it as betrayal or as pettiness, too narrow perspective, etc.

    idk, i'll stop rambling, just made me think of these things. for you
  • 09-10-2017, 03:58 PM
    Hi just read your story. Is one that has aspects I can relate to. Especially the fact that my ex's bad behaviour was not taken seriously by others. Seems to me that like many other abusers he worked hard to preserve his public persona and reputation. To create the image of being a caring and good guy when doing this was in his best interest. Side thing that I look back on and wonder about is my input into creating and maintaining his 'false' persona...saying untrue stuff like...'broke my wrist falling on the stairs'...'don't know where I got that bruise - I bruise so easily - think I might have a clotting problem' ...'cat jumped up and knocked my favourite ornament over...shattered it' and so on. Think my cover-ups were driven by shame and misdirected blame.

    His and my cover-ups? Can see how these lead others to find it hard to believe me when I finally, started to talk about what I had been through. How they believed that I was running a very unfair vendetta against a 'good' guy...he of course lapped up this version of events, fed it and basked in his change really -for his own reasons and comfort he continued to not admit to or take responsibility for his actions...never has, probably never will. Understandably it was hard for me to be cast in the role of the abuser (yep I had done stuff in reaction to his nastiness. Got mouthy when my cajoling and appeals didn't work and I got to the end of my tether... guess everyone has a breaking point) but no way did I initiate abuse.

    Thing that I found helped (it took a lot of control and resolve) was to believe my own truth - to try and not respond to others opinions and reactions. Meant avoiding and not reacting to some conversations, changing my relationship to some of my family and former friends and most of all reminding myself that I did not have to buy into others opinions and judgements. Yep I did feel the need for support, realised the value of this...but got much more discerning about where I sought it. One good choice I made was to work with a trauma with the experience and training needed to listen and me get back on track. Did not discover this site till late in the piece but coming here...being part of a community who shares at least some of my experiences and issues has also helped me to feel less alone.

    For you if I may
  • 09-10-2017, 12:39 PM

    More from Original Poster

    Hello I am the original poster. I wanted to explain why I am posting this now. I did eventually get away from this man to some degree. I divorced him. My kids stayed unharmed physically and unmolested sexually. He was able to continue to abuse through the family court system by filing petition after petition every few months for years on end; which kept us on the financial edge for a long time and the kids grew up in poverty even though my income was OK. I have to look at it that it could have been so much worse for the kids than financial difficulties. I was able eventually to get the courts to stop allowing and encouraging this behavior. But I felt crazy and terribly victimized for a long time. I lost most of my family through this, because in their eyes (and with my husband's "I hate to have to tell you this about your sister ...") I was abusive toward this sweet loving solid man and I was a monster. I had to face the awful truth about my family that they didn't think too much of me and didn't love me very strongly and were eating up the lurid stories told by my husband. I am telling my story now because my kids are almost grown and we are through it. The dangers are behind us now. The kids are OK. When it hit me that the nightmare was essentially over, I instead of relief, I am suddenly disabled with muscle spasms and physical pain with no discernible physical cause. I find myself visiting doctors who can't help me. I don't have to be so strong and tough anymore and I'm falling to pieces. I feel like I have seen the ugliness in so many, many people while trying to raise up children. There was no help, no support and mostly lawyers and family courts trying to make a buck off this nightmare. My extended family seemed to be in it for bites of gossip and putting me down and sincerely gleefully enjoying this pain of me and my kids. Where I should feel relief, I am bitter, angry and rapidly becoming disabled by this. I'm afraid of most people. I trust no one. Life seems like so much ugliness. I don't want to be this person. Where do we go from here? How do I walk myself and my kids into the sunshine, so to speak; and out of all this darkness? Has anyone else been to this place? Were you able to laugh and be light again? How did you get there? Is it possible to trust anything or anyone again?
  • 09-10-2017, 10:00 AM

    Spouse attacks you then calls the police to say you abused him

    I am only beginning to be able to be able to talk about what happened to me. I had pretty bad self esteem, and so went with the first guy who seemed interested in having kids with me. Things moved quickly. He seemed like a sweet, humble, loving guy. I was six months pregnant when I moved in with him and realized too late that the humble, mellow, loving personality was all marijuana. Without the low level buzz he maintained most of the time he was a real monster. A few months after the first baby was born, and while I was pregnant with our second, he physically attacked me during an argument. I didn't know what hit me. He came from behind and slammed me into a wall and pounced on me when I hit the floor. He started swinging fists at me face and smacking me in the head. And this wasn't the worst of it. He stopped swinging his fists and said "I'm not going to jail". He went to the phone and called 911 and stated "she's attacking me and the baby". When the police arrived I was out of my mind and hysterical, and he was calm and rational. I couldn't believe that this was happening. The police believed him and threatened to haul me off to jail. He acted the "good guy" and said no don't take her to jail I'll handle this. I can't even begin to describe what life was like after that. Of course I was terrified what he might do to the baby. He'd tried to leave the baby many times with a man I didn't like. who later was convicted of child molestation and committed suicide. Going to lawyers, family courts, family counselors was useless. I couldn't prove anything and in the eyes of the police he'd had more credibility than me, and so he had more credibility than me everywhere; and the child molester guy hadn't been caught yet so I had no proof there either. If I left him he'd get 50% custody of the baby, and he'd already let me know he was a killer and would leave the baby with unsavory characters. There was nothing I could do. I was stuck. The system was a brick wall. That my daughter could be killed or molested was a chillinglly real possibility and I was on my own with this knowledge.

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