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  • 05-07-2017, 06:16 AM
    Sunfl0wer
    My dad knows that I hate being tickled and even though I'm legit an adult he will still threaten (and sometimes actually) tickle me if I don't do something he wants me to.
    I currently suffer from anxiety, depression, and trich. I have triggers for panic attacks and while I know these things are related to my situation, is what I experienced abuse? I know it's neither beating nor verbal insults but is it still abuse?
    Hi Song,

    I'm really not sure if what you are describing is abuse. Even if I say yes, that is just my personal opinion so I am not sure in what way it would matter. Like, hitting/spanking a child is permitted in some areas of the world, not permitted in others. Cussing can be considered verbal abuse in some places, but is it legally actionable? I really wouldn't know and am in no way legally qualified to give you that answer. The culture I was raised in, cussing as a way of interacting was a norm and folks yelled and cussed as a regular way of relating to one another. Someone affectionately called me a pain in the a** the other day, I hugged her and said she reminded me of home.

    Gotta say tho, some things you describe would really make me feel pretty violated, like getting tickled even though I say no. So not saying you don't feel violated at all, I would and can understand that.

    You also say you are "legit adult" so I am wondering if you mean that you are of legal age where you are to move out and be on your own?

    Anyway, whether it is classified as "abuse" or not, I simply do not know. I do know if someone was treating me in a way I felt degraded, I would be considering my options on where else to live. Like, labeling it abuse so that I can simply call them abusive people would do little to change my circumstances. I cannot change people. I cannot threaten them into treating me with respect. I don't have hope that calling authorities on folks who behave poorly would actually scare them into learning how to behave better. So then now what, what are my choices? Only things I can do or affect is my response to the situation and make choices about why I continue to be in this enviornment, how to change that? Maybe I decide I have to save up enough money to move first and think that if I start a fight, these people can kick me out and I would be homeless, so maybe I rather learn ways to deescalate conflict and walk away and disengage, idk...but if I am an adult, there really is no reason they gotta allow me to live there. So maybe I learn some coping tools for deescalation?

    I don't know at all what is right for you, just sharing my own thought process out loud...how I would think out it a bit.
    I'm sure others would do it differently, so just my thoughts fwiw.
  • 05-07-2017, 04:54 AM
    Jane
    Hi Song.

    I am sorry that you are not getting on with your dad...sounds like he is inclined to lash out when he feels upset with you. Recognise that this way of communicating, name calling and such is tough to live with however from what you describe in your post his behaviour would probably not meet the legal definition of abuse. To be deemed legal abuse his behaviour would need to include things like not providing you with the basic necessities of life (food, shelter and warmth), physical violence, and such - things that have the potential to severely compromise your safety. Does not mean that yelling and swearing and breaking promises are easy to live with - just that they on their own would probably not cause the authorities to intervene.

    I am sorry that your parents are not taking your anxiety and depression seriously, that's hard. Wondering if you have considered speaking to someone like your school nurse or a trusted older friend or relative. We also have links to agencies and 24 hr hotlines under the help tab in our header which you may find helpful.

    For you.
  • 05-07-2017, 03:43 AM
    Song1324

    Is this abuse??

    my mom would get physical with me when I was a child I.E. spanking and screaming and guilt me constantly. Earlier today she verbally said, "F- you" to me in public when I had to leave dinner to meet with a friend with whom I'd made plans. She didn't even apologize to me later.

    My dad knows that I hate being tickled and even though I'm legit an adult he will still threaten (and sometimes actually) tickle me if I don't do something he wants me to. He also gets mad at me for random shit. He one time screamed "son of a bitch" at me when I said that I didn't want to go to a random aunts wedding and later he didn't even remember saying it. Earlier today he promised me that he would go driving with me (I don't have my license yet) and when I complained that we hadn't left the house after it had been an hour past the time he said he'd be ready, he said "I changed my mind we're not going." And while I understood that he wasn't feeling 100% he could have spoken to me with respect. He even always says, "everyone deserves respect" yet he can't even give it to me. Later he apologized for barking at me, but then he went, "but you didn't even offer to do anything for me even though you knew I wasn't feeling well." And in my mind I was going, "do you have any idea how many fucking times I'm in pain and I don't complain and I still do shit for myself??" The other day I pinched a nerve in my neck during an exam from the stress and while I couldn't move my head, I mentioned it twice. And I only do that because every time I do complain it's my fault. It's my fault that I got sick cause I didn't go to sleep it's my fault that I continue to suffer from anxiety. It's my fault if I can't get out of bed from depression (which my parents don't believe I have and I'm afraid to tell them that I've only recently stopped having suicidal thoughts). It's my fault that I don't get enough sleep at night despite my insomnia from anxiety. And then the same thing with my mom, I have to be strong for my mom when she gets ill because my parents are separated and she doesn't have anyone else.

    I currently suffer from anxiety, depression, and trich. I have triggers for panic attacks and while I know these things are related to my situation, is what I experienced abuse? I know it's neither beating nor verbal insults but is it still abuse?
  • 05-04-2017, 05:37 AM
    Sunfl0wer
    I was in a relationship I felt was abusive emotionally. Then the abuse cycles began including breaking things, and some physical. Happens that he and I were in couples counseling at the time. Therapist immediately split our couple sessions to solo sessions when physical happened. The way T handled us after this incident made a huge impact on me.

    Separating us communicated consistency with the reality that the relationship was "on hold" until violence was thoroughly addressed. T wanted each one of us to identify abuse clearly without any rationalizations or justifications. When he felt enough processing was done, we could do couple sessions again, yet was told, we would have to agree that we would not be going back to the way things were, it was to be a new relationship. I think his point was to end the honeymoon phase after conflict...and stop us from repeating habits. Then T would be helping us rebuild a new relationship.

    So, from that experience, kinda set in my mind some concepts of how I can treat abuse in a relationship, what one can expect from a partner in terms of acknowledging, owning up to behavior, how to move forward, etc. Helped me learn it is something to be faced, confronted by both.
  • 05-03-2017, 11:54 PM
    weepingwillow
    Bottom line for me is that there is no excuse for abusive behavior. When I say abusive behavior I mean repeated things though. Sometimes people say things they don't mean in an argument, no one is perfect so relationships aren't perfect, but if it happens over and over again with some excuse for their behavior there is a problem for me. If you screaming in her face is abusive than it is also abusive for her to do it to you. Idk, my husband and I have been known to have a shouting match or two, wouldn't call these abusive because we're both shouting. Not saying it's healthy, but that's a whole other post.

    I have ptsd, and a variety of psych issues. I'm not easy to live with at times. I would never excuse my bad behavior by saying I can do it, or can't control it, because I was abused. It's on me to learn how to behave appropriately. Would hope that my partner would be willing to work with me as I make the improvements, but would not want to take advantage of that trust.

    For me I'd look at it this way - if you'd been abused before and had these issues would behaving the way towards her that she behaves towards you be acceptable? If only one person in a relationship ever takes responsibility for their behavior, that seems unfair and can quickly become controlling because the other person becomes a metaphorical (and sometimes literal) punching bag.

    I'm not saying that she's abusing you or not, or that you should stay/go/ignore it, because I'm not there. In your position I'd be seriously considering ending the relationship, but know I've put up with worse myself.
  • 05-03-2017, 03:33 PM
    RichLOX
    Jane and Manya...thanks so much for the responses!!! To hear the point of view from others (especially abuse survivors) is always beneficial.

    I really do appreciate it!!!!!

    Rich
  • 05-02-2017, 06:40 PM
    Manya

    Current relationship issues

    hey RichLOX

    i understand that its hard for guys to consider the possibility that they're a victim of domestic violence. not sure how to say it, man.

    heres some stats:
    (from the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey)
    24.3% of women and 13.8% of men in the US experience severe physical violence by their intimate partner.
    48.4% of women and 48.8% of men in the US experience psychological aggression by their intimate partner.

    heres a random story:
    there was this guy in UK named Eddie Miller (apologies if i posted about him here before, got plenty of other such stories at our memorial wall). Eddie was dating this woman who was abused by many men before, had PTSD, and needed lotsa support. they would yell at each other sometimes: he tried his best not to, but found it hard to control his anger around her, even though he never had this problem before. she occasionally broke things around the house and hit him, sometimes to bruises. when she started attacking him with a knife too, his parents tried to talk to him about it. cautiously, so as not to hurt his feelings by speaking negatively of the woman he loved and was planning to marry, but letting him know that they were concerned for his safety. he responded, "Look at the size of her. What could she do to hurt me? It was only a small knife anyway. <...> I want to help her, I want to support her. She hasn’t had it easy and she is facing up to her demons." she killed him in the end, stabbed him 24 times and broke off the blade. heres what forensic psychologist said at trial about her stories of past abuse: "The reason that [she] tells him this information is so that when her behaviour is unreasonable, she can say, ‘but it’s not because of who I am, it’s because of what’s happened to me’. So she takes away responsibility of herself and she puts it on the responsibility of the people who’ve done these things to her. And that is quite powerful because what that says to Eddie is, ‘if you let me down, if you hurt me, if you reject me, all you’re going to do is be one of those horrible people that’s made me the way I am. Can you please heal me, can you help me?’ And that’s clever because it means that she’ll get what she wants." and heres what the judge said to her: "Throughout this trial you have tried to portray yourself as a serial victim of domestic violence, that picture is not an accurate one."


    each of us here at fort has been abused, many are women with mental health problems. in 2017 we banned one person if i remember right, correct me guys if im forgetting something. in 2016 i think there were three? or two? idr. the remaining 8K forters are friendly and kind, or, worst case scenario, able to remain calm and civil, even when angry, triggered, having an episode, whatever. having been abused does not entitle us to extra slack. everyone has troubles in life, everyone deals with them somehow, abuse survivors are no exception.

    we got this page, "if you're accused of domestic violence", inspired by a post similar to yours. kinda ranty, but might still be of use. i sincerely hope your relationship doesnt get to that point. but its kinda concerning, considering that shes already accusing you of financial abuse, beating you to bruises, and having you take anger management classes for dv offenders. getting into someones face is not a form of physical violence. it could be called verbal/emotional abuse, intimidation, etc - but not when youre the only one getting beat up. shes the one who needs classes for dv offenders, not you. im sorry.
  • 05-02-2017, 05:54 PM
    Jane
    Hi Rich not a relationship expert...though have had my share of unhealthy ones. For me I now would only set my lot with some one who treated me with respect. Someone who even if they disagreed with me accepted that I had a right to hold my own views.

    For me it is as simple as - to even be on my radar - they got too treat me as an equal. Not necessarily to agree with all I say. but prepared to talk things through (without snarky remarks) and both come out the other end feeling intact, able to live with were we have got to.

    In your situation I would not be planning my wedding...setting the date. Would feel I still had stuff to work on with her - that I was not yet ready for this big step.

    Again. I have experienced volatile relationships - ones where we seemed to be tugging in different dirrections. Found them too life sapping - not good for me or my partner.
  • 05-02-2017, 03:32 PM
    RichLOX

    Thoughts about my complicated relationship

    Good Day. Recently I made a post about financial abuse and really was appreciative of the feedback I received. So, I wanted to make another post, just to get some thoughts about my current relationship.

    Currently, I am engaged to my girlfriend with a tentative wedding date in October. We have lived together for about 18 months. Our relationship has been rather volatile since we moved in together. Despite not showing any abusive tendencies in my former marriage or my two post-divorce significant relationships before this one (and I have asked all my exes if I was abusive or not), I have demonstrated some abusive tendencies in this current relationship (physical such as yelling and getting in my finace’s face during arguments and emotional by not following through on things I said I would do). Since I recognized these tendencies, I voluntarily attend a DV counseling group (one of the court-ordered types) and see a psychologist for my anger/control issues. My fiancé has survived several abusive relationships in her past which does affect our relationship and she has demonstrated abusive tendencies towards me (and she currently sees a psychiatrist for PTSD related issues).

    The thing that confuses me about this relationship are the ways that my fiancé justifies her abusive behavior. For me, I know there is no excuse for any type of abusive behavior in any relationship (hence why I continue to get help with my issues). However whenever my fiancé is abusive towards me, she always stresses the “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” sort of thing, saying her behavior is justified. Much like me, she gets in my face during intense arguments and actually insults me greatly during arguments. As for any physical abuse, I have never come close to hitting her. However, there have been two incidents where she physically hit me, leaving significant bruises on my arms and legs, that were not initiated by any physically abusive behavior on my part. Additionally, she has thrown and broken things including my CD collection and a valuable baseball card.

    As you can probably see, I am very torn about this relationship. Is my fiancé’s behavior justified in any way??? Is there anything more you think I can do???

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.
  • 04-23-2017, 10:38 PM
    Jane
    I am so sorry that your b/f is not treating you well - we have some links listed under the help tab in our header - details about agencies you could approach for relationship advice. Is not what we are able to offer here as we focus on providing a place for people who are no longer experiencing abuse and are working on healing from the harm it has created for them.

    Idk if you have visited our library (link also in the header) we have some good info their on managing triggers, grounding techniques and such.
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