The Danger of Self Pity and Misdirected Anger

  1. Neurose
    Neurose
    Having lost medical coverage temporarily for several months, growing pain from my rheumatoid and psoriatic arthritis as well as my Lupus all extremely active is now taking over my personality. I am a good worker, funny and can be nice person to be around but I can feel that werewolf like metamorphosis coming on of the rage filled uncontrollably inconsolable me . Along with this change in my very being I feel the struggle set in to not just give in to the tsunami of self pity just waiting to overwhelm me and wash the nice me far far away. Sorry I can't type further now for pain but I am grateful for the increasing mindfulness I have at least to try to bring some kind of peace to my friends and family relationships.
  2. purpleclouds
    purpleclouds
    I'm sorry your in so much pain. You're right it is hard to not fall into self pity. I'm in my early 20s and already have a number of health conditions including chronic pain that's not well treated and it's really hard for me not to make excuses and say "no i can't do that because ____ hurts" or fall into a depression--well a deeper depression-- and deem my life awful. Sometimes i go to extremes and worry i won't be able to be a good nurse or make it through nursing school with my conditions. I really need to work on differentiating my self pity from the things i need to do to actually take care of myself. Anyways enough about me--that's just my experience with self pity. Do you have medical coverage again? That's awful that you lost it--i'm so sorry.

    xx
  3. Neurose
    Neurose
    Thank you for your kind thoughts and sharing about your experience. I do not have coverage but have finally gotten myself to take steps to get it back. I could have staved off this lapse but my mind kept putting it off and now I have caused myself this problem. I guess I partly wanted to believe I was finally having some sort of remission after 4 years of extremely aggressive deforming arthritis in my fingers but just in 2 months of no enbrel I have new permanent knots on my knuckles. I know I am so much more lucky that people who have had none of these meds and can no longer use their hands. I just hate knowing I will not be the kind person I like to think of myself as being and it being virtually unavoidable at this point. I am considering going to an ER if it gets too bad but I used to work there and can't stand the pity from my former co workers. I know it will be better but I just wish I could spare my boyfriend and mother from having to be around me through it.
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