My Best Friend, My Dog: Lucille May 06/30/99 - 05/28/13

  1. LovelyChantel
    ***Bear in mind that I wrote this in my online /blog/journal around the time of Lucy's death. So, almost 4 months ago. I have not changed any of the wording. I am still heartbroken over this... Thanks for the support.***

    My best friend, my dog, died 2 weeks ago on May 28th. It was awful. I am an RN and just recently got a job at a nursing home and that alone is stressful enough! Well, my dog ended up dying on my first day of work at this nursing home. I was to go into work at 7am for my first day of orientation. At 4:30am my dog was acting fine. I let her out to potty and she ate her breakfast. She was happy and was running around. Then at 5am she just let out this awful wail went stiff and was shaking. I thought she was having a seizure (but really most likely had a stroke) and then she went limp and stayed that way. Then she began having agonal breathing and periodically would let out this loud horrible bawl. She would make sucking noises at the air and try so hard to breathe but she couldn't and I couldn't do a thing for her. I felt so helpless. I held her for while and then my dad took me and her to the vet after I called them with an emergency vet call. While my dad was driving, she was heaving and suffocating. Towards the end her body was spasming and she was making those horrible screams again and then she just stopped. The vet met us there but at 6am she had already died in my arms. I was in such shock. I was hysterical and yet I could not believe it. I still went into work though at 9am that same morning. I was in a state of shock all day so I don't remember much of the day except how painful it was and how unreal it all felt. The part that hurts the worst is the shock of it all. Although I have accepted it now, it still kills me, but I can look at all the good times we had. She was my best friend. She was my only friend all my life. I got her when I was 8 and she was only 6 weeks old. She picked me. I didn't pick her. When I went to the farm to get a puppy, she ran up to me and followed me everywhere. I bet I walked all over that farm and I could not get away from that puppy (not that I wanted to). None of the other puppies really cared about me. They all wanted their momma, but she didn't; she wanted me. I would go and put her back with the litter and then would walk away but later I would look by me and there'd she be walking along side me looking up. I swear she was smiling. I still had not yet picked a puppy. She picked me. I didn't even have to pick a puppy. We connected just like that. Our connection was so strong. It was instantaneous. We were inseparable ever since. She got me through so much. She got me through the abuse and pain all my life and then through the r*pes and sh*t in my adult life.... I don't know if I would be alive without her honestly. I loved her so much. I have never loved anything so much. I just can't explain the level of intensity our friendship and love was for each other. We "got" each other. We did EVERYTHING together. Literally. There was not a time growing up when we were not together. She was the only childhood friend I really had and has kept me sane all of these years. She was a true blessing from God. She would have been 14 on the 30th of this month (June) too. I will always love her. I got her cremated and have her ashes now.

    Lastly, just trying to learn this job and not having any idea about what is going on. I can't concentrate on anything and everything scares me and I am so jumpy and nothing "clicks" in my mind anymore... I can't grasp or retain anything and I am so confused all the time and feel like I am constantly fearful and just plain panicky. I feel like I am in a state of hyper vigilance. (Therapist says I have PTSD ... Yeah, great, I know...) I feel like I am unraveling. I just wish I were dead some days. I really do.

    Oh, and on the 1st of this month, I relapsed and got SUPER wasted and I SI'd REALLY bad. I hardly even remember hurting myself and do not even remember why I did it or what I was feeling. I am so stupid

    *Written a few weeks after this initial journal entry*

    I just feel like I am breaking. I was actually doing better but I just tortured myself a few nights ago. I went and got all her stuffed animals. (I know this is gross, but I smelled them.) I just miss her. They still smell like her. I don't want that smell to go away... I just want her back d*mmit. Why the h*ll did she have to die.
  2. LovelyChantel
    Sorry if this was too triggering or traumatizing for anyone... It was just soooo hard for me. I was bawling all over again a couple nights ago. Mom said, "Come over here." and then she held me while I cried. (I am 22 and way too old for that.) But she didn't seem to mind... My parents are really wonderful. They have messed up (as I am sure you can see by the things I have written in the forums) but they really do love me. There is more bad than good.
    I just miss Lucy so much. I can hardly stand it some days. I want my best friend back...
    Oh Lucy how I miss you... I will post some pictures of you soon. ♥
  3. LovelyChantel
    So sad and missing you today Lucy. You got me through so much. It's so hard. I still cry frequently and dream about you. I like when you visit me.
  4. LovelyChantel

  5. eagle22
    Hi LovelyChantel,

    I've only just seen this group and read what you've writen about your wonderful Lucy..just wanted to say how sorry I am that you've lost your best friend.
    I too lost my lovely Hector ,a German shepherd,who was the love of my life..its been two years since he left me but I think about him everyday and know he is with all my other dogs and cats and that we shall be together again one day.
    for all of us that had the huge pleasure and priviledge to have an animal share our lives,
    xxxx M
  6. LovelyChantel
    Thank you so much eagle. That truly means so much to me.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely Hector. I'm sure he was amazing. I know she is with me in spirit.
    And I am so privileged to have had her in my life. Animals are such blessings and wonderful companions. They are very healing too I believe.
    Anyway, thank you again. Supporting you.
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