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  • bc23's Avatar
    09-20-2018, 04:58 AM
    bc23 started a thread 6 years of silence. in Public Forum
    Hi everybody. I'm not sure where to even begin with this post. The other night, I was laying in bed with my partner, and we were exchanging stories from the past. He likes hearing my crazy tales of travelling the world as a dancer (the career I walked away from a year ago in order to settle down at home). I've had a pretty blessed life! It's had its difficulties, but I've seen the world and met fantastic people. I was telling him about some pretty heavy nights in different countries... and then from nowhere, a memory I had blocked from my mind and never ever allowed myself to even think about, let alone talk about, literally fell out of my mouth without warning. I was 19, close to my 20th birthday. At the time, I was living in Brasilia (Brazil)- a dancer in a large Circus. It was my first time in South America and I was 6 weeks into a 12 month contract. All artists were put up in hotels wherever we travelled - and one particular night, one of the acrobats hosted a hotel room party. I remember having a great time with my new friends, drinking a hell of a lot of whiskey (again, I was 19 - we've all done it!)... I felt good, safe. I definitely wasn't aware of my drinking limits back then, and after what must have been a few hours, I noticed people were tapering off. I remember feeling very hazy and being sat on a chair in the corner of the room trying to muster the energy to walk to the other side of the hotel back to my room. I remember the guy who lived in that room was there, a friend of his, and the old tent master with two other men whom I'd never seen before that night. I remember nothing from sitting on that chair. The next day, I woke up at around 2:30pm. I was in a bed, alone, wearing no underwear and there was blood on the sheets. There was 2 other guys from the circus on the balcony in the sun playing cards. I picked up my underwear and pants and walked over and asked what had happened. They laughed and said don't worry about it in broken English, and didn't look me in the eye. I returned to my room, took a shower, and never ever thought about it again. I didn't tell my friends out there. I literally erased it from my memory, and went on to stay at that circus for the rest of my contract, seeing and working alongside the acrobat who's room I had woken up in, and the old Mexican tent master. What makes it worse now that I've finally, 6 years later, actually spoke about this - is that my Mum had come out to Brazil to visit me a couple of months after that night. I keep thinking 'how many?'. How many of them did what they pleased? 1? 3? 5? After mentioning this the other night to my boyfriend, he sat bolt upright and asked me if I was okay. I said yeah Im fine, it was ages ago. The next day I got up for work and felt sick all day. Panic attacks every hour. I visited the doctor a couple of nights ago, who has advised physiological therapy. Telling my Mum was the hardest thing I've ever done. The reason I'm posting this is because I literally cannot get my head around how and why its took 6 years for me to come to terms with this? I'm so confused. At the moment, its that fresh I haven't even got to the angry stage. Ive took a couple of days off work just to gather myself together as all I seem to want to do at the moment is sleep. I really want to hurry up and get passed this, I need to get back to my usual self. Thanks for reading, and any coping advice is much appreciated.
    3 replies | 26 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    09-17-2018, 09:47 PM
    Unregistered started a thread How do I explain my ptsd to my dad? in Public Forum
    my name is ZoŽ and I'm 20 years old... I have been sexually assaulted multiple times. It led me down a bad path and I'm now back home with my parents. I go to psychiatric doctors but no therapy yet. My dad has no idea about my past and has asked me "well what do you have ptsd or anxiety for?" And he kinda acts like I make things up in my head. He loves me and cares about me but he doesn't understand and I guess can't because he doesn't know why I've changed so much and why im like this now. Can anyone give me some advice on how to tell him but without making him angry or ask too many questions that I may be uncomfortable answering..thank you if anyone reads this.
    2 replies | 34 view(s)
  • Freeatlast's Avatar
    09-16-2018, 12:08 PM
    My ex has been requesting constant scheduling changes of our teenager. He has been using that to harass and manipulate me. My vacation was ruined when he turned around and booked a vacation with our child to the same place the month before I went. I have recently put my foot down and am refusing the schedule changes and it is tearing me up because he entices our child with trips and other fun stuff and then tells him, Sorry, mom wonít let you go. I feel like I will never be free at last.
    2 replies | 28 view(s)
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