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  • Jane's Avatar
    11-19-2017, 01:02 PM
    Not at all qualified or have the info needed to be able to tell you if your b/f is being mistreated by his family - however am happy to share my thoughts and experiences for what they are worth :D I believe we are fairly complex as people - operate in the world in different ways. Also that it is often a pretty subjective call on whether a person's behavior fits within the wide range of normal or meets the criteria of one or other mh disorder. I also think diagnosing mh or other disease is the province of an appropriately qualified professional - psychiatrist or such...requires a thorough medical and psychological assessment by an expert in the particular field of medicine. Seems to me that plenty of us have funky personalities - know aspects of mine do not always appeal to others. Good thing is we all have a choice to decide who we befriend - to choose people who we can treat and love as true equals, tolerate and live with their foibles. Have made it a rule that I will not hitch my wagon to anyone who has a personality - personal traits that I feel I can not cope with...feel I need to be critical of. When I have not followed this self imposed rule the outcome has not been good for me or the other person - we would have both been better to find partners who we could have accepted and loved without too many provisos. As you describe your b/f he certainly seems to be very sensitive and easily hurt...I had a brother who (probably due to childhood trauma) struggled to feel adequate and was very easily hurt . He was the sweetest guy in the world, but had difficulty feeling emotionally safe and worthwhile as a person - I absolutely empathised and felt for him - however I think that I would have struggled to live 24/7 with his insecurities...well would probably been able to do this as his mother, which in my book is different than doing it as his intimate partner. My thoughts for what they are worth. :rs
    4 replies | 24 view(s)
  • eagle22's Avatar
    11-19-2017, 09:19 AM
    Think abuse a very difficult thing to define...whats okay for one is not for another.. From what you've written your bf seems okay with his family even if he spends most of his time in his room ( had two sons who did exactly that too..think an age thing) I wonder if his school might offer him some help here..esp given you think he displays some autistic tendencies..might be worth him talking to his head of year if he feels that his home life is less than amicable. Sometimes we can read other peoples' families wrong,they don't gel with what we know so therefore we instinctively think they are wrong..guess its more a question of different strokes for different folks unless there appears evidence to the contrary. Hope this helps some...have posted a link which might offer you both so help as think you may be in the UK.
    4 replies | 24 view(s)
  • Sunfl0wer's Avatar
    11-19-2017, 08:09 AM
    I feel like also mentioning the trauma part because my son only recently helped me to understand this. He is recieving trauma therapy and EMDR, brain spotting and such. It is helping! His affect improved greatly after his last session. I had no idea this but it makes sense... -When my son was bullied in middle school... this is truama he needs to reprocess. -When he was an infant and he has sensory processing disorder and I bathed him, he cried in literal PAIN from the experience of the water and noises. This was indeed trauma to his system. As is eating traumatic for him as it is literally painful for him. (Not everyone with ASD has pain with their sensory system, just his is pretty bad). So he does do EMDR to undo the trauma of sensory experiences. -My son is also hypersensitive to criticism. In Middle School and High School he was subjected to tons of mockery for his “social mistakes” so he does tend to be “overly kind” to never make such a mistake again. This is a fear response he is having. He is afraid of offending others, or saying things that hurt their feelings. A trauma response of being MORE hypersensitive to criticism for having made a social missteps in the past. He does not fogive himself easily and his internal dialogue has gotten stuck on berating himself. He undoes this wiring through EMDR, so he can remove the fear/trauma hypersensitivity he built over the years. (I logically explain to him that he is not responsible for another person’s feelings, but he logically cannot connect to this because he is so strongly wired from the trauma that his fear of the mockery controls his choices. He will still be overly preoccupied with not offending a point that he is harming himself by internal ruminations and going out of his way to avoid misstepping socially...which socially overcompensating...and also “not appropriate” level of response the situation does best with.) I really had no comprehension until the past couple of years of my son teaching me... no understanding that with my son’s ASD actually comes a ton of trauma for how his mind processes stuff. I felt bad because I guess I was somewhat ignorant thinking trauma is made from getting abused. From perpetrators. From other people who harm. From men who rape me in the night, etc. So I felt badly for being ignorant to the idea that this enviornment that is noxious to my child... these painful baths, the pain he has eating and just existing in his enviornment... all this is trauma. So yea, trauma can exist without a perpetrator is my point. (Not saying his family is not abusive. Just saying... there is different possibilities and even a combo contributing factors is possible or such. Imo, not so important to label a person a perp as it is to get BF needed help for now and his future.)
    4 replies | 24 view(s)
  • Sunfl0wer's Avatar
    11-19-2017, 07:51 AM
    Well, I am not going to help you label abuse. It is just not for me to do. I mean, I am sure I have said some not so supportive things to my child when he was 17. (My son has Asperger’s) Is that abusive? Ignorance? A bad day? Idk. Emotional abuse is more subjective vs objective legally, depending on where you are and such... way too complicated for me to try to wrap my head around. What comes to mind for me when reading this is that it is very possible that your BF does sit somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Imo, this needs to be sorted out first. Autism affects ones perception. Affects how the senses are reciveing and interpreting information. It could make him hypersensitive both physically and emotionally and sorting this stuff out alone can be confusing at best and impossible at worst. I personally have found CARD (center for autism and related disabilities; I’m in US, idk if they have this in other countries.) to be a phenomenal resource for helping my own child. While they only accept persons as members who can provide proof of their ASD diagnosis, I am sure they will help guide BF in the best way to get a diagnosis if he so chooses to seek that out. Some areas, it is best to start with a PCP, others a neuro physchologist, etc. It really depends on area and such what method makes the most sense. CARD does not “do” anything to provide direct counseling or such. They are more like an educational organization to point you to the right resources and teach a person how to manage resources and advocate for themself. Sometimes they do run educational trainings for their clients, such as social skills groups and parent support groups, transitioning into adulthood groups, etc. Usually tho their focus is educating the masses such as school district wide programs and such. Just pointing this out so he does not expect of them what is not their role and find himself frustrated. It took me time to figure out in what way to utilize them best. Imo, so much of how you describe your BF is very similar to what I have experienced over the years in contact with those on the ASD spectrum, and my own child. Also, imo... way I see it is there may be an underlying neurological difference in how your BF is experiencing life. This needs attention before the social emotional and psychological stuff can be properly faced. If he has ASD, then the way he processes this stuff is going to matter greatly! While he may not qualify for diagnosis via simple PCP interview or such, CARD can usually point one to better resources for more comprehensive testing.
    4 replies | 24 view(s)
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