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  • UndeniablySplit's Avatar
    09-22-2017, 08:15 AM
    I'm new to this site and have recently become aware that I have this DID/MPD Disorder, which I can't believe! I feel totally crazy right now since realizing this. Other personalities have gradually started showing themselves over the past year, and I'm having an awful time dealing with this alone. Nice to finally find others like myself who can understand what is happening as this is the most scary thing in the world to me.
    5 replies | 114 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    10-08-2017, 08:31 AM
    Unregistered started a thread Confusing abuse in Guests
    I was in middle school, 12 I think. He was my 8 th grade religious education teacher. It was slow starting. Just him caring about me, spending time with me, talking to me, noticing me. Then he made a comment saying he wished I was older. I felt uncomfortable. But I didn't want to loose this one person who seemed to care about me. Then he asked me if he could kiss me and I told him to take me home. But again I wouldn't let him go, I kept talking to him. I needed that love because where else would anyone care about me. It kept escalating and eventually I did kiss him, have sex with him, sneak off to meet him. Lie to my mom, teachers, friends. This went on for over a year. He was 45 or so and I was just 12 or 13. It was a relationship in my eyes, he was my boyfriend. I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him. He told me that if God didn't want us to be together he would end it. I was catholic, and I believed him. When we got caught the state pressed charges, my dad made me keep it from my mom. He tried to convince me to run away with him, I was terrified. He kept seeing me even with his ankle tracker, finding ways to contact me and meet me and have sex with me. As my sophomore year of HS started I just wanted to escape him, I broke up with him. I had to testify against him but I lied and said it was all me being aggressive and trying to get him. That I wasn't a virgin and had partners long before I met him and it was me trying to seduce him. I was probably 16 at the time I went to court. I'm not even sure what happened to him. I'm sure it wasn't good. I met my now husband while I was still messed up with my abuser. It was my sophomore year of Hs and I broke up with my abuser after I met my now husband. I KNOW my running into another relationship was an escape, it was me running from him. But I wouldn't change it now. My husband is and has been from day one the most loving and understanding man I've ever met. He knows my history and he loves me. We've been married for nearly 14 years and have beautiful kids. My problem is I know my past still haunts me in how I raise my kids, in my sexual relationship with my husband, in my confidence or lack of. I have anxiety and sometimes depression. I still have trouble seeing him as an abuser instead of a relationship. I feel like it was my fault too. I still worry that he could be hurting because he loved me and I left him. I'm a confused mess and I'm in therapy online because I can't talk about it face to face...still I feel like I'm the only one who has had this type of abuse, where it didn't even feel like abuse and i thought I was in a loving relationship. Please tell me your story if you can relate, tell me I'm not alone.
    3 replies | 87 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    10-02-2017, 01:05 PM
    Unregistered started a thread Classifying as a means to move on in Guests
    Iíve struggled for years to understand what was done to me. My motherís love in boyfriend, father of my siblings, had been highly inappropriate. That I was sure of. Itís the classification of it I need to move past this. My father left me when I was 6. He was almost entirely out of the picture. I move from place to place with momís boyfriends. Within 3 months of her first date with HIM, she was pregnant and I moved with him to the suburbs. Some years later, heíd beat her to a sickening extreme. We were kicked out of our home and learned to grow as a unit. 2 years later, Mom turned back for stability. He was finally medicating his bipolar disorder and seemed like a new person. My extreme reluctance faded as I believed he was a new person. I started calling him DAD. Thatís when it began. I was somewhere between 13-15 when heíd start the behavior. Heíd ask me to sit on his lap when my mother was asleep. Try to get me to drink beer while I was there. Heíd put his arm around my sides and say ďlook, youíre all mush. You need to tighten upĒ. Heíd slide his hands up so they were just grazing, but not officially touching. Other instances included graphic talk of sex with Mom, emotional torture (leading me to believe he was always watching me), tapping our phone line, talking about my chest while staring at it, flicking and tapping my behind and chest, and letting me know heís capable of killing Mom and getting away with it. Years had gone by before I was prompted to tell Mom. She didnít help, she actually used the information to get custody out of state during their divorce. Iíve grown, and I understand this was vile and inappropriate- but what was it? Thereís something about his continuous line pushing where he seemed clear not to cross the hard line of defined molestation. Iím now in my early 30s, getting by relatively wel. This is some strange thing I need to help process.
    3 replies | 81 view(s)
  • Olivia2468's Avatar
    10-03-2017, 11:22 AM
    Olivia2468 started a thread My abuse story in Guests
    I was 15, my boyfriend was in the year above me at school. I met him doing a play and instantly starting liking him. Things moved very quickly and we were going out less than a week later. I thought it was perfect I thought he was the one. Then things started going wrong. He became obsessive and controlling. He was angry all the time. He made rules. I wasnít allowed to have friends or go out. I was so lonely. I would have to have sex with him every time we were together even if I didnít want to although at the time I didnít realise that was happening. Then once or twice he grabbed me by the throat. He forced me to take drugs then made me have sex with him. He would threaten to kill him or cut if I didnít follow the rules. I was so lonely. I managed to get out but Iím still suffering every day. I donít know where he is. Iím in constant fear. I have awful anxiety and anger issues. The memories haunt me. I canít trust anyone.
    2 replies | 81 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    09-24-2017, 08:32 AM
    Unregistered started a thread I feel so alone in Guests
    I am sitting at work not really working because I'm in so much pain. He was gone all night again and when I woke up for work I flipped out and starting yelling at him. I'm not much of a morning person and I do have a temper but I have never tried to swing at him or anything. He was in the basement and came after me and I tried to get up the stairs but he dragged me back down and choked me telling me this time it was over. That is usually what he does but I've never been left with marks on my neck before. When he finally let me go I ran upstairs and cried in bed only to have him come upstairs and rape me while smacking me and ripping my bra and belt to my pants. I cried the entire way to work, I can't lift my arm and it's the same side where he broke my collarbone earlier this year but I have marks all over my neck and back so I really don't want to go to the doctor or hospital. I am so depressed and miserable right now. My ex-husband was very emotionally abusive and I don't feel any hope right now. Getting away from him took so much and I don't feel like I have it in me to do it again.
    1 replies | 152 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    10-04-2017, 07:23 PM
    Hi everyone. I am a deletion graduate student and fellow survivor who is conducting research on the experiences of domestic violence survivors. Are there any DV or intimate partner violence survivors within this group who would be willing to take my quick 3-minute survey? Your responses will provide valuable insight into the survivor experience and will help me in my work to raise awareness of the domestic violence issue and inspire action and promote healing within the survivor community. Your responses will be kept anonymous. Thank you for your participation. You can access the survey at this link: deletion
    1 replies | 76 view(s)
  • NeedingAdvice's Avatar
    09-30-2017, 07:59 AM
    NeedingAdvice started a thread What happened in Guests
    I was at a friends, just me and him, drinking. Known friend for 25yrs. Had previous sexual relationship with him over 10 years. Had sex with him once a few months prior to this night. On this night I stayed round his in his bed taking myself to bed as very drunk, put my Pj's on and crashed out. Woke up with friend heavy on top of me, touching beats grinding, practically having sex with me. I told him ur heavy on me I can't breathe and asked what he was doing. He dint say anything. Before I could even think about what happened he lifting my legs up and penetrative sex with me for about 3minutes which I didn't stop. I just went along with it. Then he rolled off me and laid down back to me. I got up went to the toilet and just stood there thinking what the F just happened. Was he asleep? What happened? Have I just been sexually assaulted? It feels like I have been. I was asleep and I was very drunk I passed out on the bed in about a minute and then woke up with friend on top of me touching me. I was not round there for sex this time I was round as friends and that was very clear the whole night thru. I can't get my head around this and it is causing me extreme anxiety and depression. I guess I just want some advice. Some affirmation that I am not to blame and not going mad.
    1 replies | 72 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    10-13-2017, 08:57 PM
    Unregistered started a thread Less of a man? in Guests
    I admit, I was beaten down by a woman. I have built my walls, walls from what I lived and from what could happen again. Last week I removed a brick to allow someone to see me. It backfired and opened up all I have buried. 2 years after, it all slams back into place. I would never have believed the healing could be worse than the abuse. I know, traditionally, it is a "woman's issue ". It does go both ways.
    1 replies | 67 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    10-03-2017, 04:56 PM
    Unregistered started a thread After effects of abuse in Guests
    I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, 2 years ago. This summer that ex phsyically assaulted me outside my house, I got the police involved, I got an injunction but my mental health has suffered greatly. I was scared to leave the house and as a result have been left sick with PTSD and depression. Shortly after I had to leave that residence for unrelated reasons and then my partner at the time left me because he couldn't deal with me needing support through this- because of my sickness. So I now find myself trying to fight with the NHS for the right mental health support (and for my mental health Dr not to use inappropriate language around DV!) and having to try and manage my health as a single woman again. I have supportive friends but I find the DV aspect really throws people and I'm not in this frustrating space of partially wanting to be open about what's happened but also not wanting to be pigeon holed by my experiences or to keep having to discuss/ explain them in detail. Also- during the relationship I was very accepting of his behaviour towards me and his actions towards me and so its only retrospectively that I've been able to see this relationship as abusive. And so I'm here having to cope with PTSD from this relationship and a rape I experienced as a teen and left feeling like my whole life and dating/sexual preferences are in flux because they all have been effected by this. I feel like there's a lot of support for the crisis point of abuse when it is in action but less available for the after effects. I'm sure I'm not alone with seeing the extent to which the DV has effected all aspects of my life. Any words of support would be wonderful to hear- I'm exhausted fighting this battle alone and I'm disgusted at being left because of my assault. -As I said to my (most recent) ex ' By doing this you're letting him win.'
    1 replies | 67 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    10-07-2017, 04:16 PM
    Unregistered started a thread I don't know what to do in Guests
    I was sexually abused by a family member when I was a lot younger and generally I always made an attempt not to think about it until very recently when I just couldn't get away from it. It's pulled me into a depression and it's all I can think about and as wrong as it sounds it makes me feel useless and like I will never fit in. The truth is no body will ever understand what I'm going through and that hurts because I feel like I am always the outsider. I was just a kid I didn't deserve that and now I'm just stuck in this cycle of self hatred and I have nobody to talk to about these things and that makes it even worse because I keep it bottled up and I need a release I was hoping to get on this website
    1 replies | 29 view(s)
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