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  • Kiel_Farren's Avatar
    01-14-2018, 02:27 PM
    Kiel_Farren started a thread * SUI Suicidal thoughts in Guests
    It would take a very long time to tell you how I got as broken as I am. Just... trust me when I say Iíve been hurting a lot, and for a very long time. Over two decades of abuse and pain... Iím here because I want more people in my life who understand what DID / MPD is. My mother, one of the people whoís tormented me in the past, doesnít even accept the diagnosis and when she acknowledges it, itís to mock me or make me sound like a monster. The one person who I loved, trusted, and cherished more than anything in this world, my rock, my beloved, my dream... my reason for living... he doesnít love me anymore. He was everything I had left, after a lifetime of broken dreams and broken trust and pure agony, he was the only one who took the time to make me feel normal, to make me feel happy, to talk to my alters... to help them, to help me, to help us understand one another. And he promised me heíd always be there, he would always love me, he would spend the rest of his life with meóand it was a lie... Ever since, the thoughts of suicideóonce, every few months, or every few weeks, have become daily, and on the worst days, hourly. People talk about happy endings after the dark times. Itís been said of Don Bluth, a famous film maker, that he once stated, ďYou can show a kid anything, as long as it has a happy ending.Ē To a lesser extent, we are taught that about life. That no matter what trauma you experience, you can still find the light and one day, youíre going to be okay. No one tells you what to do about when your happy ending ends. No one talks about after ďhappily ever afterĒ when it turns out to be total bullshit. When the person you loved and trusted more than anything lies, when they abandon you, when everything you survived for just... disappears. I want to die. Not just because of him, or because I lost everything, or because Iím struggling to get through every day, or because all my plans for the future have been destroyed... not just because of all the other friends and lovers whoíve abused me or broken my trust... Iíve suffered for a very long time. Iíve fought for a very long time. Right now, Iím only alive for one person, and it sure as fuck isnít me, and I just... donít want this existence anymore. Iím done being a punching bag and a joke and a meal ticket and a mourner and a loner and a victim and a freak and a failure... I just want to stop being. But there must be something inside me that wants to live or I wouldnít be trying to reach out for help. As badly as I want to just buy a gun and get it over with... I am still here.. Hanging on by a thread, and nothing makes me happy anymore, I have no joy left in my being, none that I can find... but I am here.
    6 replies | 30 view(s)
  • Kate3878's Avatar
    01-09-2018, 03:09 PM
    Kate3878 started a thread Loving your Abuser in Guests
    Hi, Iím new to the forum. My name is Katie and itís great to meet you guys. I just exited a 3 1/2 year relationship with my ex boyfriend about 5 months ago, although more like 8 months ago, because 5 months ago I went to his place to get some leftover belongings and I was physically assaulted and called the police. I was systematically physically, verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused during the 3 1/2 years we were together. I have a new boyfriend now, and I havenít said anything to my boyfriend, but part of me still feels for my abusive ex. I know I should despise him, and I do despise his actions but he was still my boyfriend for almost 4 years. My ex will most likely be going to prison after being charged with felony domestic abuse. I have mixed feelings about my ex going to jail but I dropped charges back in 2016, although the state still tried him, but I felt like an idiot for dropping charges. Has anyone battled with still having feelings for your ex, even though you know your ex was the worst thing that ever happened to you, and caused harm that is interfering in your every day life? How do you deal with this? For anyone who was able to get through this period of time, how long did it take you? I know everyone is different. Thanks for all feedback!
    1 replies | 25 view(s)
  • Jobriel's Avatar
    Yesterday, 08:26 PM
    Jobriel replied to a thread * SUI Suicidal thoughts in Guests
    Welcome. This is a great community for people dealing with DID as well as suicidal thoughts. I've dealt with both of those, in the past 24 hours, and can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I can understand being invalidated by those who are in a position that could provide support if they chose, and I can also relate to the pain of abandonment very well. You are not alone.
    6 replies | 30 view(s)
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