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  • Kiel_Farren's Avatar
    01-14-2018, 02:27 PM
    Kiel_Farren started a thread * SUI Suicidal thoughts in Guests
    It would take a very long time to tell you how I got as broken as I am. Just... trust me when I say I’ve been hurting a lot, and for a very long time. Over two decades of abuse and pain... I’m here because I want more people in my life who understand what DID / MPD is. My mother, one of the people who’s tormented me in the past, doesn’t even accept the diagnosis and when she acknowledges it, it’s to mock me or make me sound like a monster. The one person who I loved, trusted, and cherished more than anything in this world, my rock, my beloved, my dream... my reason for living... he doesn’t love me anymore. He was everything I had left, after a lifetime of broken dreams and broken trust and pure agony, he was the only one who took the time to make me feel normal, to make me feel happy, to talk to my alters... to help them, to help me, to help us understand one another. And he promised me he’d always be there, he would always love me, he would spend the rest of his life with me—and it was a lie... Ever since, the thoughts of suicide—once, every few months, or every few weeks, have become daily, and on the worst days, hourly. People talk about happy endings after the dark times. It’s been said of Don Bluth, a famous film maker, that he once stated, “You can show a kid anything, as long as it has a happy ending.” To a lesser extent, we are taught that about life. That no matter what trauma you experience, you can still find the light and one day, you’re going to be okay. No one tells you what to do about when your happy ending ends. No one talks about after “happily ever after” when it turns out to be total bullshit. When the person you loved and trusted more than anything lies, when they abandon you, when everything you survived for just... disappears. I want to die. Not just because of him, or because I lost everything, or because I’m struggling to get through every day, or because all my plans for the future have been destroyed... not just because of all the other friends and lovers who’ve abused me or broken my trust... I’ve suffered for a very long time. I’ve fought for a very long time. Right now, I’m only alive for one person, and it sure as fuck isn’t me, and I just... don’t want this existence anymore. I’m done being a punching bag and a joke and a meal ticket and a mourner and a loner and a victim and a freak and a failure... I just want to stop being. But there must be something inside me that wants to live or I wouldn’t be trying to reach out for help. As badly as I want to just buy a gun and get it over with... I am still here.. Hanging on by a thread, and nothing makes me happy anymore, I have no joy left in my being, none that I can find... but I am here.
    6 replies | 51 view(s)
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