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  • Purple's Avatar
    10-31-2017, 08:56 AM
    Purple started a thread No support. Desperate in Guests
    I don't know where else to turn. I keep coming to support groups and forums because since it happened almost 9 years ago (it will be 9 years in late December), I've had no real support. I've had different types of therapy, hypnotherapy, meds... What I really needed was justice. I told the police, but they dropped the case. It never made it to court. I was branded a "liar" due to that, I was harassed and assaulted twice for "daring" to report it to the police. Apparently I had "ruined his life". Doesn't look too ruined to me!!!!! He's out there happily living it up and I'm now a recluse in my own home, too afraid to go out. I haven't left the house properly since 2012 when I was last assaulted (beaten) by him in a public park. I have violent panic attacks if I go up my street! I've since found out he is now working a 4-5 min walk away from my home. He knows where I live. Neighbours have seen him up our street and recognise him from when he broke into our house once, months before he raped me. I really do not feel safe. Police again will not do anything (I'm in England so no surprise there! Our police are awful.) and nobody wants to help me. I'm so scared and I can't live like this anymore. I'm desperate to get him put away. He's intimidating me on purpose I know he is! That's what he's like. I was a teenager when he abused me and raped me. He was MY AGE!!!! I can't understand why he's free. Every day it's all that's on my mind, and I'm feeling afraid and lost, with no help. Pretty soon I think I will give up altogether. I can't live like this anymore.
    5 replies | 143 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    11-18-2017, 09:20 PM
    Unregistered started a thread I'm not sure if my boyfriend's being abused in Guests
    Hi, I'm really glad I found this place, I just need an outside opinion. I've talked to my mum but she's quite... demeaning of my issues, nevermind my boyfriend's. We're both 17 and in a relationship for the last year. We also both have autistic tendencies (though neither of us enough for diagnosis). From the way he acts I've suspected something for a while. He apologises for everything, even if it was a complete accident or he wasn't even actually involved in the situation or the situation isn't an issue in the first place. He goes out of his way to please me, I mean obviously we're in love and want to make each other happy, but it's over the top, at the forfit of his own happiness. He expects me to find him annoying, he expects everyone to find him annoying, he still sort of believes I only keep him around because he's useful or I'm attracted to him. He can't believe I could love him, and finds any kind comment I make totally overwhelming. Sometimes I say "I hate you" if someone's teasing me, most of my friends would reply "Nah, you love me" but he curls in on himself (literally) and whispers "I know". It's horrible. If I'm annoyed or he hurts me accidentally he curls in on himself, doubles over and apologises profusely. He takes teasing completely genuinely (except with me more recently). He tries to crush all his emotions, berates himself for feeling, sometimes physically self-harming in public, but is actually incredibly emotional. He cried at any intense, negative emotion or serious discussion. He takes even minor criticism as an overly serious issue and something he should hate himself for. He has very few friends beyond those he's made through me and sees no one besides myself out of school unless we're meeting in a group. Because he thinks he's just annoying them. He also has graphic homicidal and very genuine suicidal thoughts. He finds the homicidal thoughts calming and loathes himself for it. All I've ever seen is a passive, submissive, sweet person but from what he says he had some outbursts of anger at secondary school, screaming at a teacher and once breaking a boys finger for annoying him. He absolutely hates himself, puts down his achievements, goes silent the few times I've genuinely (accidentally) hurt him and never offers his opinion, he will only back up my own in discussion without a lot of prompt from me. And then there's stuff he's actually said about his parents. I've met them and they're lovely, if very teasing, but he and his (much) older sister give it back too. But he considers his mother incredibly over protective to the point of condescension (but he is both a teenager and her son). He's mentioned she makes him feel guilty for having his own opinions. Despite being talkative with me, he says his father is very silent, typically "masculine", and shows no support. He once told his son he wasn't trying hard enough when he had a panic attack at school. My boyfriend hasn't told anyone beyond myself this and has cried and had nosebleeds when he has. He isn't good at eye contact at all. But I feel like sometimes things are just "lost in translation" on the other hand has parents should take that into account. He also spends all his time at home in his room. His mum compares him to his older brother (who abused drugs and alcohol, dropped out of uni, severly bullied my boyfriend and had completely unmanaged ADHD) all the time, and almost all the decisions he's made in his life have been to avoid being like him. He seems quite comfortable with his family but says he always feels like he's walking on eggshells. He's very indecisive. He also has some serious issues he needs to "sort through himself" before he tells me. I try to be supportive and comforting, a safe haven, as much as I can. I have my own issues. He really worries about his relationship with his family in the future. I also can't quite pinpoint an example now but he seems less emotionally developed in some areas. But to me he's kind, caring, protective. Sorry this is so long, I'm just really worried about him and have a mental illness of my own on top (that he helps a lot with). Being emotionally abused by his whole family bar his sister seems unlikely but... I thought I should find out
    4 replies | 41 view(s)
  • Rin's Avatar
    11-13-2017, 11:17 PM
    Hello all, and I apologise in advance if my post is clumsily written. Not only do I struggle to talk about these things, I think I might be slightly concussed at the moment. I'm 28 years old and I'm an only child, and I'm still unfortunately living with my parents, who are miraculously still together. I'm unemployed and recieving support benefits right now, and moving out isn't really an option for me at the moment. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which I am on medication for, and I've been struggling with type 2 diabetes for ten years now. Yes, I was diagnosed with it at 18. I used to think my mum was an angel. I used to think she protected me from my horrible miserable dad, who didn't like us and didn't care about us. He used to work a lot, so he wasn't home very often, and yes he used to be the one who punished me for doing bad things when I was little, so my child brain bought into it. Only within the past few years did I learn what was really going on then. Dad always felt pushed out and blamed for everything, I learnt to see him as a villain, and my mum was seeing another man and planning to take me away to live with him. He was a drug addict. Another important point I feel like I should bring up is my mother suffers with epilepsy, and has grand mal seizures. These tend to happen if she's tired, stressed, or hasn't taken her medication. I have been exposed to these seizures since I was very young and they're terrifying, and on many occasions have required hospital visits. Of course, this isn't her fault at all, but I think she knows how badly it affects us and how we both feel the need to keep her happy now. I self harm and the first time I cut was when I was nine. I think. I know I was still at primary school then. I don't remember much of it, but it was in the bath, and one of mum's razors was in reach. I remember when she saw it all she did was tell me to wear a long sleeved top and not let dad see. Nothing else was said about it. I was bullied a lot at school because I was a large girl, in height as well as weight, so maybe that was why I felt the need to do this, but I didn't feel like her reaction to it was particularly healthy, looking back. I remember when I left primary school I ginally had a few friends. Most of them were boys, I was a tomboyish girl. A lot of them probably only liked me because of my mum though, because she was a 'cool' mum. She bought them porn and let them smoke. I think she was just desperate for them to like me? I remember vividly about her making this truth or dare game for us to play. I know a lot of the things in it were rather inappropriate, kissing and stuff, but the worst was a card about a boy putting his hands up a girl's top or something. We were about 11 at the time. Secondary school was pretty bad for me. I went to a girl's grammar and never really fit in. They had strict uniform rules and because of my height and weight (for reference I am 6'2" and obese now, and I grew very quickly, I was probably about the same then) my parents struggled to get uniforms for me. I had big feet too, so I had awful man's shoes. I remember having an awful pair of tailored trousers that didn't even fit, because according to mum she couldn't get me grey trousers anywhere else. I only had one pair, and they didn't get washed until the weekend. My blazer didn't fit properly either and it was humiliating. Skirts were an option but until then I'd never really worn many girl's clothes, mum usually got me men's clothes, so I didn't feel comfortable in those at all. The few times I did wear one I was made fun of. My schoolwork declined and my relationship with my father got worse, we would argue a lot and he would get frustrated and hit me. Mum would hit me too, but somehow this was overshadowed. She'd also shout and throw things and break my stuff. But dad always seemed to be made out to be the evil one somehow. I couldn't concentrate, I got extremely anxious in classes, I couldn't do my homework, and this made things worse. I started self harming again, and when I was 15 I was in hospital for a few days because I overdosed on the antidepressants I was given at the time. I was often in the toilets cutting myself and being sent home. Mum would never really have any sympathy, I was just being a pain because she had to come and pick me up. Oh, and I was stressing her out. Which made her epilepsy worse. I managed to scrape together a handful of GCSEs thanks to private tuition but no one was really proud of me. I was a failure and I knew it. I got into college and failed there too. My first year was fine but I couldn't cope with my national diploma and dropped out. It was all too much. Since then I've not really done much with myself other than get worse mentally. I've tried volunteering and was employed part-time for a while, but I could never stick to anything. I was too anxious, too self-deprecating. Too tired as well! My diabetes is very poorly controlled. Mum never really knew what portion control meant and as a result, I struggle to control my eating habits now as well. She used to let me eat whatever. I remember her buying me big bags of chocolate, crisps, whatever, probably just to shut me up? I don't know. Or maybe to make her look like an even better guy compared to dad. Either way I honestly think that's why I was dianosed as diabetic when I was 18. And it terrifies me. Of course if I bring that up with mum its my fault. And I honestly feel guilty about it. Over the past few years anyway, things have deteriorated with my mum. I gained a new burst of self-confidence in my body when I went to college, and since then I've tried to dress in clothing I feel good in, but she usually tells me it looks bad. Or my skirt's too short, or its too tight, or whatever it is. I'm fat and ugly and I should cover up, I guess, but I don't want to, its the one thing I have that makes me feel good about myself. She's also very abusive with my dad, expects him to do everything and do the house up, yadda yadda. Now our house isn't amazing, but it belongs to us, and the morgage is paid off, and considering how things are in the UK right now, that's pretty good for a working class family. We have a stable roof over our heads and I feel like we should be grateful for it. But its never good enough for her. She's also started getting jealous with my recent relationship with my grandparents (her parents). My grandfather had a stroke earlier this year, and I have been helping to care for him, mostly just by being around for them and cooking. They've been grateful and not minced their words telling me this, which has been amazing for me, I've been so happy to help and its felt so good to feel useful finally. But mum doesn't like it, because SHE'S not getting praised, she doesn't get this, or that, even though she doesn't do what I do. What finally made me snap was yesterday. She started complaining about dad again, and I told her she shouldn'#t complain so much about him. It turned into an argument which ended with her snatching up the TV remote and smashing it around my head. I need to do something but I honestly don't know what. She terrifies me, this wasn't her first violent act against me, she often throws things but I honestly feel like she's given me concussion, and it terrifies me to think what she might do next. She feels absolutely no remorse. Not once have I ever got an apology from her. I think she'd have happily grabbed a knife if it was to hand and got me with that instead, and not felt bad about it, simply because 'I made her angry'. Is this good enough to go to the police with? I don't want to seem like a timewaster. Or is there any mental health services I can call, because I honestly think she needs help. Thanks if you bothered to read through this post. I'd really appreciate any input :)
    3 replies | 55 view(s)
  • Eliza95's Avatar
    10-29-2017, 01:48 PM
    Eliza95 started a thread Contact from Abuser in Guests
    Basically my dad abused me for about 12 years from when I was about 5/6years old until I was 18 when I managed to escape. Now Iím 22 and I have just had a hand delivered letter from my father informing me that my Grandma (his mother) has passed away from terminal cancer. He put his mobile number at the top of the paper and Iím not really sure what to do. I really appreciate that he thought to tell me and I want him to keep me updated should anything happen with the rest of his family. But how do I tell him any of this without opening up back and forth contact with him? If I tell him anything at all? I reported the abuse to the police but nothing came of it as there wasnít any physical evidence so he didnít get any kind of repercussions. That was 4 yeas ago and this is the 1st Iíve heard from him since.
    3 replies | 100 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    11-10-2017, 11:53 AM
    Unregistered started a thread Financial Abuse in Guests
    Iíve been with my boyfriend now for 10 months, and through most of our relationship Iíve paid for everything. I have paid for hotels for him, helped him get a camper, pay for dinners, pay for his rent, pay for gas, pay for anything and everything. And for some stupid reason, I keep letting him do this to me. He just put $105 on my credit card today. He used $650 of my money this week for lawyers and for a rental car. I keep blocking him and then unblock him. I need some support. I just feel so alone and stupid. And heís done other domestic violence things before, but here I am, still with him.
    2 replies | 51 view(s)
  • emjay's Avatar
    11-11-2017, 02:49 PM
    emjay started a thread hi in Guests
    hi I'm new here. I'm 34years old and suffer with ptsd, eupd, and depressive episodes. i am a survivor of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I have had a lot of problems with self harm and suicide attempts, but have now gone two and a half years without self harm. Ive spent the last 10 years in hospital and am now in a open rehab as I'm on the mend. i struggle to ask for support and have big trust issues, which is partly why i have come to this site.
    1 replies | 46 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    11-09-2017, 08:37 PM
    I have been with my husband for 11 years married almost 8. In the beginning it was amazing. He seemed soo caring and gard working in the small town where we met. He didnt work but in that town there were no jobs but he always made sure we had what we needed. Fast forward a few years i got a great job. I became the breadwinner of the family and he began drinking..... Before i got my job he became very abusive physically to me and controlling. Refusing to ever talk or communicate and using violence as a way to keep me in line. I have yet to feel safe to express anger or disappointment towards him. He is physically mentally emotionally abusive. He gas gone through spurts or honeymoon phases where ge wouldnt hit me but the neglect and name calling continued. I am last on his list and treated like ***. I finally called police and had him out then o kept feeling pressure from his family to bring him home and i did. I missed him..... why???? I dont know. I *** hate him amd love him i am soo confused but i know im only waiting for the inevitable..... divorce..... how do i get there. I am my own worst enemy.....
    1 replies | 44 view(s)
  • RichLOX's Avatar
    11-23-2017, 04:13 PM
    RichLOX started a thread Thoughts about this Argument in Guests
    Good day. I have not posted in awhile since things between my fiance and myself have been going pretty well. However, a few days ago, we had a big fight and I am not sure what I did to ignite this argument. I would like your comments about the situation. Was I being verbally/emotionally abusive??? Was I verbally/emotionally abused??? My fiance and I have vastly differing political views...she is a conservative/republican and I am a liberal/democrat. Throughout our relationship, I have made it a point to avoid getting involved in any political discussions with my fiance as it never really ends up well. Also, I have never negatively judged my fiance with regard to her political views (they are her views and just as valid as my views). Whenever she starts to discuss anything, I try to swerve the conversation somewhere else. Anyways last night, we were talking about an American company that had a store in Puerto Rico (devastated by a hurricane earlier this year). I innocently said that the store was likely not doing well now due to the lack of electricity on the island. After I said that, my fiance became very upset, accusing me of being racist against the white race and bringing that racism to her (we are both white by the way). Obviously I was shocked and upset by this claim. So, I asked her why she felt this way and accused me of being racist. Her heated explanation was that since I make posts on Facebook, expressing my disagreement with a majority of President Trump's actions, I obviously hate President Trump because he is white and therefore I hate white people. Since I mentioned that much of Puerto Rice still has limited electricity, I brought my racism home to her. To further "prove" her point, she brought up an incident from a few months ago while we were watching a movie about aliens. She made the comment, wondering why the aliens could not learn English since they were so advanced technology-wise. I made an offhanded joke, saying "Let's build the wall, " referring to the proposed wall at the Mexican border. I made the comment as a joke and I apologized to her as the joke really upset her. However, she said today that I made that comment in an angry and vindictive way, proving my hatred of white people. As you could imagine, I took great issue with being called a racist. So, I expressed my total disagreement with her belief that I was racist and abusing her by bringing my racism home to her. From there, the argument grew into the her complaint that I never respect her opinion on anything and never compromise. Now, I will readily admit that compromise is important in any relationship. However in my relationship with her, it has been hard to compromise on many of her complaints since they stem from her perception of negative behaviors/thoughts on my part such as being racist against white people, trying to starve her (by not ALWAYS being the one to suggest we go grocery shopping) or even still being in love with my ex-wife (since I sat with her at our kids activities or did the occasional favor for her such as watching her and her husband's house while they were on vacation). She is SO adamant that her beliefs are correct and that I should admit these negative behaviors/thoughts and agree with her. Now, I cannot help but to get defensive and disagree with her, especially about such things as the racism thing or trying to starve her. So, there does not really appear to be any compromise in these situations (unless I am missing something). Was I being abusive in this situation??? Should I compromise and agree with her belief that I'm racist??? Was she abusive in this situation??? I welcome any and all thoughts on this topic. In retrospect, I'm not sure this is worthy of posting on this forum, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it (and possibly comment). If nothing else, it felt good to be able to vent about this, so THANK YOU!!!
    1 replies | 23 view(s)
  • Jane's Avatar
    Today, 02:44 AM
    Jane replied to a thread Domestic Violence in Guests
    So relate to what you have shared freedom - even while knowing that DV was not that uncommon - that it was mostly hidden behind closed doors, that victims for a multitude of reasons do not reach our for support did not protect me from becoming held captive by the sick dynamic of an unhealthy relationship. If anyone had told me this was how it would be ahead of time I would have laughed in there face - no way. Truth is an abusive relationship often does not start this way...nor are abusers all bad. In my case there was enough good to give me hope that somehow I would be able to get through to this man I loved - get him to become the partner I so wished him to be. Thing I didn't factor in was that he was happy being as he was - saw no reason to change. Was not until I accepted that I had no control over this decision that I was forced to face the reality of my situation that I had the choice to accept him as he was or walk away. It was hard - incredibly hard but I chose the later.
    29 replies | 2538 view(s)
  • freedom2016's Avatar
    Today, 01:47 AM
    freedom2016 replied to a thread Domestic Violence in Guests
    I agree with Jane. I use to think I was the only one that had gone through DV until I found this site. Everyone here has been very supportive and understanding. When I first started opening up with people I knew about what I had gone through and about what happened to me, everyone seemed to be in shock that I could be a victim. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I "allowed the abuse". It's been almost 2 years and I still feel like this at times, but I can honestly say that it has gotten slightly easier and it has helped to talk to people about it. I do a lot of things to help myself heal from the trauma of the DV though. And some days it is a struggle not to just break down crying. But people I've met on here seem to listen and understand. Even though it's heart-breaking at times knowing there are so many out there being abused, it can be comforting to know that there is someone else out there that really and truly understands. Welcome to the Fort! I hope this helps.
    29 replies | 2538 view(s)
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