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  • Jane's Avatar
    07-15-2018, 02:29 PM
    Hi Livingfree :hi First of all I'm glad you finally got to the point of saying 'no' - splitting up with your abusive ex...that you are now in a supportive relationship. Hear you about your kids asking why. As travellers with you as you journeyed through the not ok stuff - thinking and asking you why you stayed for as long as you did. As a person who was also felt trapped in a toxic relationship...hurt on a daily basis I often find it hard to comprehend why I stayed...why I didn't see my options early on and leave. Now realise that I felt emotionally captured...hoped things would get better, that I could change him (even though he was happy as he was). Have come to realise that spousal abuse is a big, complex subject - one I only started to get to grips with after I left (still sometimes show I haven't by having an ":omg how could I have moment". Wonder if it would help your kids to get their heads round the complex dynamic that play out and trap both the abuser and the abused who find themselves in an abusive intimate relationship to read about the power of the 'cycle of abuse'...have a good article on this dynamic in out library http://www.fortrefuge.com/cycle-of-abuse.php...Other thing I found helped is to actively listen to my son, acknowledge his feelings let him know I am sorry that my choices placed in a situation where he had to witness and live with the tension and discord between me and my now ex - how he deserved better. Not always comfortable for me to hear his upset, however helps me a lot to temper that by acknowledging that he has every reason to feel upset and full of questions when he thinks back on being a kid in the centre of a domestic discord that he had no control over. To reassure you...with time and openness it seems to me that my son has been able to move on...has a clearer idea of the dynamics that keep people trapped in relationships that are not serving them well.
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