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  • Manya's Avatar
    05-24-2017, 11:13 AM
    random thought: you ever considered counseling? not sure how it works in uk, in usa its available through any dv shelter, whether you live there or not. cuz it all seems kinda messy and unclear. you "break up" with him, he says "thank god", then you continue having sex, and he signs up for anger management stuff. i mean, im not following if he wants to stay with you or not, and if you want to stay with him or not. seems like either you are trying to fix a relationship that neither of you want in the first place - or that you are lying to each other about not wanting this relationship. either way it must make things super confusing to everyone involved. hopefully his counselor would help him figure out what he wants, so maybe you'd find it helpful to talk to a counselor too, to figure out what you want?
    6 replies | 80 view(s)
  • Sunfl0wer's Avatar
    05-24-2017, 05:38 AM
    The 6th of June seems like a long time away to me for this kinda behavior. I would put more energy into calling the hotlines, getting together a safety plan/escape plan now while you can. It is something I wish I had done before things got physical. Even when they got physical I still rationalized that it wasn't so bad getting slapped in the face cause nothing broke, nothing bleeding, so I must be ok? Imo it doesn't matter so much what kinda help my SO is seeking, none of his "attempts" at anything matter much to me. His ACTIONS are what matter. Actions to admit and repair damage done, stay the course of counseling UNTIL I am comfortable. Many persons sign up for stuff to lure the other partner back in...give it a half hearted effort, complete a anger management course or whatnot. In the end, it is my own responsibility to keep myself safe. Better imo to focus on my own self care, what I want, what I deserve and if I am feeling I am not getting that, I can leave. I can also leave and decide hey, after you finish all this work, and I go into personal therapy, then lets meet up in a couple of months and see where you are at with it all and where I am at. Just personally, after having lived in so many DV situations, these days, I really want my home to be a place of safety. Even if my home is in a room shared in some tiny place I rent or such, Safety is my priority these days... and that includes emotional safety as well as the physical. If I felt myself losing sight of what is real and isn't, I would count this as not feeling emotionally safe where I am at in my living situation. Also, I find it hard to think objectively when living in such situation. Imo, helps to get distance from relationships I feel emotionally entangled in so I can formulate my thoughts and opinions without worrying how they affect the other person. Hard to think so well for myself about the relationship without first putting some space between it all...getting some breathing room. I can't see any good reason to not take a good few week break just to gain some ease with self perspective...formulate plans for self and safety...as long as on feels it safe to do so. On the other hand, Sometimes tho leaving and seperating may be dangerous and cause SO to lash out about this. So idk, depends on the situatiin so still the guidance from a DV shelter could be way more helpful than myself. Sorry you are not at a more peaceful place in life atm. :hug
    6 replies | 80 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    05-24-2017, 04:44 AM
    I rang the national domestic violence advice line last night requested a ring back and asked her whether I should be ringing because he hasn't hurt me badly and I explained some of what he does and she said 'you have come through to the right place, this is exactly where you should be ringing' so that made me feel better because I don't feel like i'm going mad now. He came home from work yesterday and showed me a text from Islington mental health services where he says he has contacted and told them about his anger issues and he said he is horrible to me and they asked him to ring them for an assessment. But when he was filling out the initial assessment he made it clear that he wasn't a woman beater and that he doesn't just get angry for no reason because he doesn't want them to think he is 'a nutter or a bad person'. His said 'when they finally talk to me they will be like, oh he's actually a nice guy'. Even though what he said to them is true to some extent he has still pushed me and thrown me and punched doors into my face (whether he meant to do that or not) and he has threatened me with violence and threatened to kill me. Plus on occasion he has got angry and violent in the home (not towards me or because of me in any way) like to the door because of something like not being able to find his keys in the morning. Also, when he gets angry with me it's because i'm asking him about our relationship or i'm upset about him doing something bad or selfish or hurtful to me. I would never run up to him and scream in his face or anything. I never do anything like that ever! I just plead with him to care then end up crying when he starts being nasty. But he still responds with anger because he doesn't want to talk about it. So he doesn't always lose it because he is 'pushed' because I wouldn't say I push him, he loses it because he doesn't want to face what he's done or can't be bothered to hear about my needs or because my crying annoys him and makes him lose it. I feel like he is not going to give this mental health team the right view of him and he is good at putting a false image across and this worries me because then it won't work and it will all be pointless. I am at work but he has just texted him and asked him to come in for an assessment on the 6th June.
    6 replies | 80 view(s)
  • eagle22's Avatar
    05-23-2017, 05:50 AM
    I echo all Jane has said..and would add ,if it were your best friend or sister..what would you tell her? Think you are probably in the UK so perhaps a call to these people might offer some more help on what is obviously a difficult subject http://www.refuge.org.uk Hope you can see a way through that keeps you safe.
    6 replies | 80 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    05-23-2017, 05:47 AM
    Hi Jane, Thank you for taking the time to read and reply, your response is very kind. Last night he said he wants to get help and he said sorry for everything. But I know he can switch back so easily to being mean even he said it independently he said 'i'm like two different people and I can't help it'. When he is the horrible person he even looks different to me his eyes look different. Is it that bad to ring up a local shelter? Because he hasn't really physically hurt me even though he's threatened it I would feel like I was making a massive deal out of nothing. I wasn't even sure if I should say anything on here but i'm so down and worn down I think it's making me ill I feel like i'm living in a distorted world where nothing I think is real is real and there is no hope because it's getting worse.
    6 replies | 80 view(s)
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