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  • weepingwillow's Avatar
    08-17-2017, 03:32 PM
    In a somewhat similar situation I did not contact the police, and he talked me into being his friend again (I was gullible) and it happened again. He stalked me like this after, too - even after I told him to stop contacting me. I did eventually have to call crisis services because he was threatening to kill himself, but otherwise probably never would have called. People wanted me to file a report, but not only was I afraid of him and ruining his life, and his parents, and his brother, I did not want to put myself through the stress and pain of filing a police report while trying to deal with how betrayed I felt. For me, more than anything, it was the betrayal itself that hurt me. I had tried to be kind, had tried to help him etc. I knew he was attracted to me, but I was engaged and pregnant towards the end of everything. Many people told me I was selfish, and a coward. Thing is, he was the coward not me, but it took a long time for that to sink in. I'm glad I didn't let anyone push me into filing a report. I have other mental health issues and truly believe I would've wound up in the mental hospital. Given the situation, he would've gone free also. There was no evidence or anything really but my word to give the police. 17 years ago, that wasn't enough and the police would have probably laughed at me tb perfectly h. I can't give advice or tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I wanted from the people around me. Sympathy/empathy was nice at first, but quickly felt like pity. Idk if that was the intent on their part, probably not, but that's how it felt. Yes, it sucked (as an understatement) but hearing that and "sorry" over and over again made it harder to try and move forward with my recovery. If it came up to me on my own - flashbacks/triggers and such - I wanted someone to lean on about the flashback/trigger, but not necessarily the reason for it. I'ma try to explain that, but idk if I can. I needed to deal with the trigger itself, not go back and process the attack. I needed to say "wow, that reminded me of {blank}, and I need to find a way to not be triggered by {whatever it was} in the future." So my focus would not be the memory itself, but the thing that bothered me. Triggers can be weird. Taco Bell can trigger me, being near or in an enclosed space. I'm 37, and I'm afraid of the dark. Mallocups. Weird random stuff that you can't avoid, so I had to learn to be around those things and still function. A lot of times I wanted someone to come with me for support, but I didn't want to bring it up because the point was to separate the two in my brain for me. One friend came with me to Taco Bell several times. They'd sit and crack jokes, or we'd play word games. Just something fun that helped me to relax and not think of the fear. Touch was another big thing for me. I needed space, needed to not randomly be touched, but some people need extra affection. It really depends on the kind of person. Not feeling forced to hug people helped me though. Some people mean well, but to have someone hug you when you don't want to be touched is really hard for rape survivors. Not being told over and over again that I should file a police report would have been nice. On person in particular, I know, was trying to be supportive but failed miserably. Again, I don't think people really meant to be so mean, they just didn't understand what I needed and didn't know what to do. I did not communicate very well at all about what I did need though, which didn't help anyone. That's something I'm learning to work on, to understand how I'm feeling and communicate that to the people around me when appropriate. If I had been able to do that, someone asking me what I needed in that moment probably would have been helpful. My fiance was really good about this. He'd just kind of ask me what I wanted to do and maybe suggest stuff I might want to do. A card game, a nap if I seem exhausted, lunch, a walk, etc. Sleeping while my fiance was awake I did a lot too, because I was able to sleep if someone I completely trusted (and he was the only one really) was awake keeping watch. That doesn't work for some people I guess, but was immensely helpful for me. Sleep can still be a battle all this time later, but it got so much better. I guess it all boils down to me needing someone to be there with me, but not be pushy. What he did is truly awful, but like Jane said, I'm glad she has your support. Having someone I trusted, and that I knew cared about me, helped my recovery. I also found a therapist very helpful and would suggest it to anyone dealing with trauma. Not for everyone, but generally people find it helpful. I hope for the best for you both. :rs
    2 replies | 44 view(s)
  • Jane's Avatar
    08-16-2017, 10:21 PM
    I am sorry that your ex experienced the wrong that you describe, but am glad you are there for her. Thing I find when acting as a non-professional support person is to not to get confused between my role as a friend move into an expert role. Secret I find is to be there (if this is my and their wish) but not to tell the person how to manage the situation or give unsolicited advice. Seems like others have told her about the option of reporting this guy...however as an adult it is up to her to decide if this is one she wants to pursue. I am glad that she sees his explanations as him making excuses and is reframing of this incident for what it a non-consensual sexual violation ...rape. The act of a predatory man. That you are reinforcing this message. Also glad you are reassuring her that nothing she did or didn't do gave her attacker the right to criminally violate her. :rs
    2 replies | 44 view(s)
  • Unregistered's Avatar
    08-16-2017, 10:22 AM
    Unregistered started a thread I need advice....My GF was raped by a "friend" in Guests
    Recently my ex partner contacted me to tell me she needed a familiar friendly face to talk to. I obliged and met her for a walk. After hours of tears and confusion not knowing what was wrong, she told me she had fallen asleep (not intoxicated in any way) and woke up to her friend of many years having sex with her. While we were in a relationship, this "friend" was always in the background, messaging, declaring his love for her, how she deserves better than me and he can give her all the things that i cant...always trying to buy her affection, being there building up her trust, the trust of her family, while maintaining a constant negativity towards myself and the relationship i had, there was no respect for what my partner and i had. She fell asleep on her bed in shorts and pants and a top, as she had many a night before and expected him to let himself out and post her key as he had previous. Only this time when she fell asleep she awoke to his penis already inside her, when she told him to stop he responded by saying he couldn't help it, and quickly carried on until she pulled away enough to make him come out of her. She immediately asked him to leave and reluctantly he did, but messages have not stopped, hes turning up at her house. She has made it clear to him the same day that it wasn't meant to happen and if it was, that she would have been awake and encouraged it to continue but this was outright not what she wanted. I trust my ex with all my heart, we have only been apart 8weeks, she blames herself for ignoring signs which i flagged to her during our relationship, that he was obsessed, and something was a miss. She feels stupid, manipulated and that maybe it was her fault this happened to her. We have been together for forensic examinations and at the moment she is wondering if she should go to the police but is worried she is "making a big deal of it and it could ruin his life" Last night he was at her doorstep for an hour, pleading to be let in as she has since ignored his calls and his messages because he wanted to talk. He's said in text he acknowledges that it shouldn't have happened that way but "wasn't sure if she wanted it when she was awake because she never lets on" that it was "perfect" and he "wouldn't change it for the world" I must get this across that all the years i have been with her, she has always been honest about who he is, what hes said to her and that she has made clear she does not see him in that light, it was a friend she wanted and he said many a time, that he was ok with that, rather than not have her in his life at all. The messages of loving her, wanting to make her happy, that she shouldn't blame herself for it happening and not to regret it because they "clearly have chemistry" I, and the professionals we have spoken to, have a fear for her safety, but she is so terrified, she wont tell her family, her friends, or the police. I know what needs to be done, i know what i want her to am i meant to support someone in this situation, how can i make her see she isn't the cause, that she was the victim in all this. Words like "groomed" have been used to her and "rape" and non of them make sense to her. She is the most caring, loving and trusting person i have ever had the pleasure to be with and not a day has passed where i wish i was there to protect her like i did when we were together. What can i do? What are your thoughts on the entire thing?
    2 replies | 44 view(s)
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