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  • Freeatlast's Avatar
    Yesterday, 02:48 PM
    Thank you for your replies. It helps to know others have survived this.
    3 replies | 52 view(s)
  • theunwanted's Avatar
    09-20-2018, 11:25 PM
    Hello bc23 welcome to Fort, I too am glad you found us yet so very saddened and angered for what you went through. It was decades before I began to have bits of memory begin coming back so please try not to read anything into that 6 year gap. For us it was very frightening, confusing and painful when this happened so I can understand you wanting to just deal with it and move on. Please be patient with yourself and take care of your own needs. From your post it seems like you have supportive people around you and that is really good. I would also encourage you to look into counseling/therapy with clinician experienced with trauma survivors. That is probably the best place to do stuff like learn about coping tools, figure out what steps to take next and, figure out more long term plans for healing and such. I have found Fort Refuge place to be a wonderful source of peer support. There are so many kind, compassionate and understanding people here. Fort has been a such a valuable source of information, support and friendship for us. It is just as important to us as the other parts of our support system. I hope you will find it as helpful as we have. I also suggest checking out the library here too, some good stuff there. Sure hope that helps and hope to see you around.
    3 replies | 41 view(s)
  • eagle22's Avatar
    09-20-2018, 07:16 AM
    eagle22 replied to a thread 6 years of silence. in Public Forum
    Hi and welcome to Fort. So very sorry to read your post..know how difficult it is when memories start to surface and know the confusion and revulsion that can go hand in hand with this. In my case it was more than 50 years before I suddenly realised things hadn't gone to my denial of anything wrong,my ability to push back under any thoughts that would have made me rethink my life caused me massive amounts of problems..not least how did I manage to do this? Coupled with ( of course :gu ) what else don't I know or remember.. For me I believe this suppression of trauma allowed me to raise my own children relatively unscathed. It allowed me to get through early womanhood ,motherhood, with no knowledge of the things done to me whilst young...and for that I'm grateful. I think no matter how we try, we invariably end up having to face our past, even when we think we can't bear it..and for some that means seeking outside help in some way. Whether that be psychological help or just a friendly person down the other end of an anonymous helpline..or a trusted friend or sister that will offer you the comfort and support you need right now. I can see how much you must want this to pass,to blow over ,so that you can get your life back on track..I relate to that as I'm sure many here do..but sometimes we just have to try and slowly work through by day,often minute by minute.. One of the things I've learnt is that I have to step back whilst dealing with memories. I am a naturally impatient sort of woman so this really doesn't come easily to me but frankly it makes no difference how you think...memories and feelings listen only to themselves . Try and allow yourself some kindness..what happened ,no matter what was done or by how many, was an assault against both your body and need time to come to terms with this and time to heal from it too. I found I almost experienced the abuse in real time as memory came back to me..what happened all those years ago felt like it was happening now..and this is perhaps one of the worst things to have to deal panic attacks and feelings of anxiety can be fully understood given that.. I hope this helps in some small way. I have found Fort to be of huge help as I battle against memories from my own past..the people are unfailingly kind ,the library has great articles in it and its helped me when I've been at my lowest. :rs
    3 replies | 41 view(s)
  • Jane's Avatar
    09-20-2018, 06:16 AM
    Jane replied to a thread 6 years of silence. in Public Forum
    Hi bc23 - glad you stepped in but not that you had a reason to - experienced such a traumatic event. Can relate to you putting it to the back of your mind - I know I did this - did it when my mind could just not cope with what my body had endured. So understand how unsettling it is to have memories of stuff like what you describe resurface. After not very successfully trying to cope on my own I decided to work with a trauma therapist which helped ...Idk if that is something that you are ready to do - that sits ok with you. For you as you attempt to come to terms with your confronting memories. :rs:rs
    3 replies | 41 view(s)
  • bc23's Avatar
    09-20-2018, 04:58 AM
    bc23 started a thread 6 years of silence. in Public Forum
    Hi everybody. I'm not sure where to even begin with this post. The other night, I was laying in bed with my partner, and we were exchanging stories from the past. He likes hearing my crazy tales of travelling the world as a dancer (the career I walked away from a year ago in order to settle down at home). I've had a pretty blessed life! It's had its difficulties, but I've seen the world and met fantastic people. I was telling him about some pretty heavy nights in different countries... and then from nowhere, a memory I had blocked from my mind and never ever allowed myself to even think about, let alone talk about, literally fell out of my mouth without warning. I was 19, close to my 20th birthday. At the time, I was living in Brasilia (Brazil)- a dancer in a large Circus. It was my first time in South America and I was 6 weeks into a 12 month contract. All artists were put up in hotels wherever we travelled - and one particular night, one of the acrobats hosted a hotel room party. I remember having a great time with my new friends, drinking a hell of a lot of whiskey (again, I was 19 - we've all done it!)... I felt good, safe. I definitely wasn't aware of my drinking limits back then, and after what must have been a few hours, I noticed people were tapering off. I remember feeling very hazy and being sat on a chair in the corner of the room trying to muster the energy to walk to the other side of the hotel back to my room. I remember the guy who lived in that room was there, a friend of his, and the old tent master with two other men whom I'd never seen before that night. I remember nothing from sitting on that chair. The next day, I woke up at around 2:30pm. I was in a bed, alone, wearing no underwear and there was blood on the sheets. There was 2 other guys from the circus on the balcony in the sun playing cards. I picked up my underwear and pants and walked over and asked what had happened. They laughed and said don't worry about it in broken English, and didn't look me in the eye. I returned to my room, took a shower, and never ever thought about it again. I didn't tell my friends out there. I literally erased it from my memory, and went on to stay at that circus for the rest of my contract, seeing and working alongside the acrobat who's room I had woken up in, and the old Mexican tent master. What makes it worse now that I've finally, 6 years later, actually spoke about this - is that my Mum had come out to Brazil to visit me a couple of months after that night. I keep thinking 'how many?'. How many of them did what they pleased? 1? 3? 5? After mentioning this the other night to my boyfriend, he sat bolt upright and asked me if I was okay. I said yeah Im fine, it was ages ago. The next day I got up for work and felt sick all day. Panic attacks every hour. I visited the doctor a couple of nights ago, who has advised physiological therapy. Telling my Mum was the hardest thing I've ever done. The reason I'm posting this is because I literally cannot get my head around how and why its took 6 years for me to come to terms with this? I'm so confused. At the moment, its that fresh I haven't even got to the angry stage. Ive took a couple of days off work just to gather myself together as all I seem to want to do at the moment is sleep. I really want to hurry up and get passed this, I need to get back to my usual self. Thanks for reading, and any coping advice is much appreciated.
    3 replies | 41 view(s)
  • Manya's Avatar
    09-19-2018, 03:01 AM
    i had a similar convo - not with father, but yeah. what i learned from it is that i gotta first figure out what exactly are we doing here. why is he asking me this question, and why am i answering it. does he genuinely wanna know why i have ptsd? is he doubting my diagnosis? whats going on, you know? cuz if he believes i have ptsd - the question comes across pretty insensitive. obviously it musta been a darn serious trauma, if it resulted in mental illness, so a little more tact would be more appropriate imho. and why am i asnwering him, do i wanna share my stuff with him cuz he loves me and cares and wants to know in order to support me? or do i wanna win the argument, prove him wrong, prove myself right, defend my character, show him that i indeed have valid reasons to have ptsd, etc? cuz if thats the case - it might work better to have my pdoc talk to him and confirm the diagnosis, without going into details. if he doubts i have ptsd - let him hear it from my doc, you know, that would be a lot more convincing than sharing tmi with him in the heat of an argument. i mean, if i were having a urinary tract infection and he was doubting it - i wouldnt be showing him my infected urethra, to prove the point...
    2 replies | 49 view(s)
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