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  • Jane's Avatar
    Yesterday, 06:20 PM
    Jane replied to a thread Thoughts about this Argument in Guests
    Idk people have different points of view - values. Think the trick is rather than trying to shape a person's views after you've hooked up as a couple it is better to spend time getting to know them - looking at them with wide open eyes. Bottom line for me is that I can live with them as they are- not criticize or hope to transform them after I have hitched my wagon to theirs. Had some areas where my partner and I just did not agree - would argue back and forth, get heated and really push our personal views - not to mention each others buttons. Dealt with it by making these emotionally loaded topics off-bounds. Agreed that our entrenched opinions meant nothing good could come of us continuing to discuss them. Someone calling me a racist...would certainly give me reason for pause. Would ask them to explain why they were labelling me this way...would listen and act on their feedback ie if it had some foundation - I'd look at my behaviour and make the necessary changes - if it was just angry lashing out stuff based on distortions or nothing I would ignore it and refuse to engage in the conversation. Speaking for myself here - bit hypothetical in some ways - have never been called a racist and desperately hope I never am. Politics? Kinda avoid talking about this subject round here...too polarizing and divisive - outside our scope as a site catering for abuse survivours. :rs
    1 replies | 22 view(s)
  • RichLOX's Avatar
    Yesterday, 04:13 PM
    RichLOX started a thread Thoughts about this Argument in Guests
    Good day. I have not posted in awhile since things between my fiance and myself have been going pretty well. However, a few days ago, we had a big fight and I am not sure what I did to ignite this argument. I would like your comments about the situation. Was I being verbally/emotionally abusive??? Was I verbally/emotionally abused??? My fiance and I have vastly differing political views...she is a conservative/republican and I am a liberal/democrat. Throughout our relationship, I have made it a point to avoid getting involved in any political discussions with my fiance as it never really ends up well. Also, I have never negatively judged my fiance with regard to her political views (they are her views and just as valid as my views). Whenever she starts to discuss anything, I try to swerve the conversation somewhere else. Anyways last night, we were talking about an American company that had a store in Puerto Rico (devastated by a hurricane earlier this year). I innocently said that the store was likely not doing well now due to the lack of electricity on the island. After I said that, my fiance became very upset, accusing me of being racist against the white race and bringing that racism to her (we are both white by the way). Obviously I was shocked and upset by this claim. So, I asked her why she felt this way and accused me of being racist. Her heated explanation was that since I make posts on Facebook, expressing my disagreement with a majority of President Trump's actions, I obviously hate President Trump because he is white and therefore I hate white people. Since I mentioned that much of Puerto Rice still has limited electricity, I brought my racism home to her. To further "prove" her point, she brought up an incident from a few months ago while we were watching a movie about aliens. She made the comment, wondering why the aliens could not learn English since they were so advanced technology-wise. I made an offhanded joke, saying "Let's build the wall, " referring to the proposed wall at the Mexican border. I made the comment as a joke and I apologized to her as the joke really upset her. However, she said today that I made that comment in an angry and vindictive way, proving my hatred of white people. As you could imagine, I took great issue with being called a racist. So, I expressed my total disagreement with her belief that I was racist and abusing her by bringing my racism home to her. From there, the argument grew into the her complaint that I never respect her opinion on anything and never compromise. Now, I will readily admit that compromise is important in any relationship. However in my relationship with her, it has been hard to compromise on many of her complaints since they stem from her perception of negative behaviors/thoughts on my part such as being racist against white people, trying to starve her (by not ALWAYS being the one to suggest we go grocery shopping) or even still being in love with my ex-wife (since I sat with her at our kids activities or did the occasional favor for her such as watching her and her husband's house while they were on vacation). She is SO adamant that her beliefs are correct and that I should admit these negative behaviors/thoughts and agree with her. Now, I cannot help but to get defensive and disagree with her, especially about such things as the racism thing or trying to starve her. So, there does not really appear to be any compromise in these situations (unless I am missing something). Was I being abusive in this situation??? Should I compromise and agree with her belief that I'm racist??? Was she abusive in this situation??? I welcome any and all thoughts on this topic. In retrospect, I'm not sure this is worthy of posting on this forum, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it (and possibly comment). If nothing else, it felt good to be able to vent about this, so THANK YOU!!!
    1 replies | 22 view(s)
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