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  • Jane's Avatar
    Today, 02:44 AM
    Jane replied to a thread Domestic Violence in Guests
    So relate to what you have shared freedom - even while knowing that DV was not that uncommon - that it was mostly hidden behind closed doors, that victims for a multitude of reasons do not reach our for support did not protect me from becoming held captive by the sick dynamic of an unhealthy relationship. If anyone had told me this was how it would be ahead of time I would have laughed in there face - no way. Truth is an abusive relationship often does not start this way...nor are abusers all bad. In my case there was enough good to give me hope that somehow I would be able to get through to this man I loved - get him to become the partner I so wished him to be. Thing I didn't factor in was that he was happy being as he was - saw no reason to change. Was not until I accepted that I had no control over this decision that I was forced to face the reality of my situation that I had the choice to accept him as he was or walk away. It was hard - incredibly hard but I chose the later.
    29 replies | 2538 view(s)
  • freedom2016's Avatar
    Today, 01:47 AM
    freedom2016 replied to a thread Domestic Violence in Guests
    I agree with Jane. I use to think I was the only one that had gone through DV until I found this site. Everyone here has been very supportive and understanding. When I first started opening up with people I knew about what I had gone through and about what happened to me, everyone seemed to be in shock that I could be a victim. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I "allowed the abuse". It's been almost 2 years and I still feel like this at times, but I can honestly say that it has gotten slightly easier and it has helped to talk to people about it. I do a lot of things to help myself heal from the trauma of the DV though. And some days it is a struggle not to just break down crying. But people I've met on here seem to listen and understand. Even though it's heart-breaking at times knowing there are so many out there being abused, it can be comforting to know that there is someone else out there that really and truly understands. Welcome to the Fort! I hope this helps.
    29 replies | 2538 view(s)
  • Jane's Avatar
    11-23-2017, 06:20 PM
    Jane replied to a thread Thoughts about this Argument in Guests
    Idk people have different points of view - values. Think the trick is rather than trying to shape a person's views after you've hooked up as a couple it is better to spend time getting to know them - looking at them with wide open eyes. Bottom line for me is that I can live with them as they are- not criticize or hope to transform them after I have hitched my wagon to theirs. Had some areas where my partner and I just did not agree - would argue back and forth, get heated and really push our personal views - not to mention each others buttons. Dealt with it by making these emotionally loaded topics off-bounds. Agreed that our entrenched opinions meant nothing good could come of us continuing to discuss them. Someone calling me a racist...would certainly give me reason for pause. Would ask them to explain why they were labelling me this way...would listen and act on their feedback ie if it had some foundation - I'd look at my behaviour and make the necessary changes - if it was just angry lashing out stuff based on distortions or nothing I would ignore it and refuse to engage in the conversation. Speaking for myself here - bit hypothetical in some ways - have never been called a racist and desperately hope I never am. Politics? Kinda avoid talking about this subject round here...too polarizing and divisive - outside our scope as a site catering for abuse survivours. :rs
    1 replies | 23 view(s)
  • RichLOX's Avatar
    11-23-2017, 04:13 PM
    RichLOX started a thread Thoughts about this Argument in Guests
    Good day. I have not posted in awhile since things between my fiance and myself have been going pretty well. However, a few days ago, we had a big fight and I am not sure what I did to ignite this argument. I would like your comments about the situation. Was I being verbally/emotionally abusive??? Was I verbally/emotionally abused??? My fiance and I have vastly differing political views...she is a conservative/republican and I am a liberal/democrat. Throughout our relationship, I have made it a point to avoid getting involved in any political discussions with my fiance as it never really ends up well. Also, I have never negatively judged my fiance with regard to her political views (they are her views and just as valid as my views). Whenever she starts to discuss anything, I try to swerve the conversation somewhere else. Anyways last night, we were talking about an American company that had a store in Puerto Rico (devastated by a hurricane earlier this year). I innocently said that the store was likely not doing well now due to the lack of electricity on the island. After I said that, my fiance became very upset, accusing me of being racist against the white race and bringing that racism to her (we are both white by the way). Obviously I was shocked and upset by this claim. So, I asked her why she felt this way and accused me of being racist. Her heated explanation was that since I make posts on Facebook, expressing my disagreement with a majority of President Trump's actions, I obviously hate President Trump because he is white and therefore I hate white people. Since I mentioned that much of Puerto Rice still has limited electricity, I brought my racism home to her. To further "prove" her point, she brought up an incident from a few months ago while we were watching a movie about aliens. She made the comment, wondering why the aliens could not learn English since they were so advanced technology-wise. I made an offhanded joke, saying "Let's build the wall, " referring to the proposed wall at the Mexican border. I made the comment as a joke and I apologized to her as the joke really upset her. However, she said today that I made that comment in an angry and vindictive way, proving my hatred of white people. As you could imagine, I took great issue with being called a racist. So, I expressed my total disagreement with her belief that I was racist and abusing her by bringing my racism home to her. From there, the argument grew into the her complaint that I never respect her opinion on anything and never compromise. Now, I will readily admit that compromise is important in any relationship. However in my relationship with her, it has been hard to compromise on many of her complaints since they stem from her perception of negative behaviors/thoughts on my part such as being racist against white people, trying to starve her (by not ALWAYS being the one to suggest we go grocery shopping) or even still being in love with my ex-wife (since I sat with her at our kids activities or did the occasional favor for her such as watching her and her husband's house while they were on vacation). She is SO adamant that her beliefs are correct and that I should admit these negative behaviors/thoughts and agree with her. Now, I cannot help but to get defensive and disagree with her, especially about such things as the racism thing or trying to starve her. So, there does not really appear to be any compromise in these situations (unless I am missing something). Was I being abusive in this situation??? Should I compromise and agree with her belief that I'm racist??? Was she abusive in this situation??? I welcome any and all thoughts on this topic. In retrospect, I'm not sure this is worthy of posting on this forum, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it (and possibly comment). If nothing else, it felt good to be able to vent about this, so THANK YOU!!!
    1 replies | 23 view(s)
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