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Emergency Escape Plan

Being involved in a violent relationship is kind of like living on top of a volcano. Some people leave once they realize it and never look back. Others run off during the eruption, wait out the danger, and come back once things calm down. Many go back and forth a few times, but eventually leave for good. Whatever your long-term plan is (staying or leaving), it's crucial to ensure your basic safety in the here and now, while you're still sharing the house with your abuser and the volcano can erupt any minute. The beauty of an emergency escape plan is that you don't have to hide it, because it's applicable in any emergency: fire, flood, earthquake, burglary, etc. Any reasonable person would commend you for being conscious of safety, your partner won't question your motives, and your friends and family won't suspect abuse (if you wish to keep it secret). You can even disguise your plan as a joke, a game, or a hobby (e.g. zombie apocalypses). It consists of simple adjustments that are easy to implement, but that would drastically increase your chances of surviving violence at home, and eventually escaping it.

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False Rape Accusations

This is Luke Harwood from Essex, UK. When he was sixteen, a girl filed a rape complaint with the police against him. The police officers believed her story, but felt that Luke was innocent because the incident she described didn't constitute rape; she was misunderstanding what rape is. They explained it to her, and she withdrew her complaint. However, two years later she told a friend that Luke was a rapist, but that the police wouldn't press charges against him. She probably thought she was just telling her story, reaching out for support. Her friend, however, felt that justice needed to be served, tracked Luke down with two of her friends, and brutally murdered him. All three were sentenced to life in prison on multiple charges, including perverting the course of justice. Luke was eighteen years old. He had a son, Archie, and was expecting a daughter, Lilly-Rose. He was killed because of a false rape accusation. The prevalence of false rape accusations is a controversial topic; everyone seems to agree on the numbers, but interprets them differently. Here are the numbers (sources are listed on the bottom of this page): 2% of rape accusations were proven true, i.e. the accused was convicted of rape. 2% were proven false, i.e. the accuser committed perjury. 63% were never investigated because the alleged victim never filed a police report. 33% were a combination of unfounded claims (i.e. the incident described by the alleged victim does not constitute rape) and...

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Stages Of Healing From Abuse

While every survivor's path is unique, there are some common stages we all go through. It is rarely a straight sequence, as we tend to move on from stage to stage too fast, which results in jumping back and forth - from anger to acceptance only to discover that we missed grief, or to realize we have more anger than we used to think and we need to revisit the anger stage, or to walk through a few of these stages again, regarding another instance of abuse that we didn't think much of at first. This page is by no means a recipe to healing, it's simply sharing our experience. Walking this path can at times feel like it's hopeless, getting worse, or going in circles. Sometimes it truly is. This is why a roadmap might be helpful.

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Tips for Attention Seekers

Attention can be a hard subject for abuse survivors. It's a basic human need, like food and water, but during abuse attention often resulted in pain. We want to be noticed, but we're scared of getting hurt; we want to rely on others, but we're afraid of rejection; we want to reach out, but we don't know how to do it constructively. Some people seem to get by with very little attention: they view it as a valuable resource, are frugal with it, and spend it wisely, only asking for the exact type of attention that they need. Others can't seem to get enough, asking for any type of attention they can get, which frustrates everyone around them and drowns them in negative backlash, destroying their self-esteem. Getting the right type of attention is a skill like any other, it takes trial and error, and a lot of practice. This page lists a few basic tips on how to make it work.

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What to tell your therapist first time you meet them

The thought of seeing a therapist for the first time can be anxiety provoking, even if you saw other therapists before. For many people a big part of this anxiety is wondering what to tell this new therapist during the first session. While obviously this depends on what do you want from them, there are a couple of ideas below - not to use as directions, but simply as an invitation for creativity. Maybe reading what other people discuss with their therapists on first session would help you clarify what is it that YOU want (or don't want) to talk with your new therapist about.

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Tips for Secondary Survivors

Many people experience trauma in their lives: car accident, death of a loved one, 911, hurricane Sandy. These things leave us overwhelmed, scared, confused, in pain. We might struggle trying to understand why did this have to happen. We might constantly relive traumatic memory, or avoid reminders of it. We might be denying the impact it had on us, or be angry and look for someone to blame for our pain. We might start questioning people in general, world, or God. Or we might blame ourselves. Abuse is a type of trauma that is inflicted on one person by another. Maybe I was raped, or beaten up, or yelled at daily and played mind games with, or maybe my parents did things that a parent isn't supposed to do to a child. The effect it had on me might be compared to a natural disaster, except abuse is perpetrated by a specific person (which I might have had a strong emotional bond with), often as a repeating pattern rather than a single occurrence, and usually isn't something I could talk of freely. I'll never be the same after such an experience, but I can repair the damage, re-adjust, grow, and have a happy, healthy, productive life. Takes time though. Often - years. Each survivor faces their own unique issues, but there are some common traits that many survivors share, and many supporters find confusing, frustrating, disturbing, or otherwise difficult to handle. Here's an attempt to explain a few of them. Abuse royally messed up my relationship skills. Part of the abuse...

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How To Deal With A Narcissistic Mother

Mother is supposed to love and support you unconditionally, approve of you as a person, root for you even if you messed up and everyone turned away from you - mom is the one person in the world who will always be there for you. She is also the one who was supposed to teach you right and wrong, and whose judgment you relied on completely. It was her opinion of your character that you based your self-worth on. Nobody likes to be called selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful, rude, cruel, etc, especially by their own mother, so we would go to great lengths to earn our mother's approval, love, and support. That's what causes strained relationships between mothers who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and their adult children: this approval, love, and support will never happen. Bashing people with mental health issues is a pointless exercise, but if you aren't ready to cut your mom off - there are things you can do to not let her impairments affect your quality of life.