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Physical Abuse

Physical violence is a crime, regardless of the age of the target, their relationship to the perpetrator, or any other circumstances. However, it affects children differently than it affects adults. First, children are completely dependent on their abusers (legally, financially, physically, and psychologically); they can't divorce their parents and move out, which leaves them no option but to suffer the abuse until someone rescues them. Second, children aren't fully developed physically; their bodies are more fragile because they are still growing, so a light smack on the back of a head, which would be of no consequence to an adult, can cause traumatic brain injury and death to a child. And third, children aren't fully developed mentally; they can't form an accurate understanding of their situation, which results in serious psychological trauma and various maladjustments, sometimes life-long. Many perpetrators of child abuse take advantage of this, presenting their actions as a perfectly acceptable parenting technique, punishment for the child's misbehavior. This page might be hard to read, as some people subject their children to torture, as defined in The United Nations Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment. However, avoiding this topic doesn't work, because survivors of this type of abuse often end up unsure what to call their experience, whether it's OK to talk about it, and whether it ever happened to anyone else....

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Addictions

Addiction is such a heavy topic, with so many stereotypes, judgments, blame, and shame attached to it. Truth is, many people are addicted to one thing or another: alcohol, coffee, drugs, cigs, sex, gambling, internet, drama, video games, psychotherapy, shopping - you name it. Many of them live fairly functional lives, and would be insulted if someone categorized them as addicts. Addiction only becomes a problem when you spend more time/money on it than you're comfortable with, neglecting/sacrificing other areas of your life; when the habit in question becomes a bigger part of your life than you'd like it to be - or when it starts hurting other people. It can be an unpleasant topic to think about, if the price you're paying for your habit isn't really worth it for you. However, avoiding the problem rarely resolves it, while looking into it might turn out to be helpful, especially if you're in fact fine with the costs of your habit and it's just the peer pressure that's making you feel like you need to change something. First of all, it's you and you only, who gets to decide if your habit is a problem or not. Societal norms/expectations/attitudes fluctuate rather widely, over time and across the globe. A little over a century ago society had an issue with masturbation; people were getting locked up in mental asylums, some even committed suicide over their inability to quit "this sinful addiction" which they weren't even comfortable naming - and now we teach our children that...

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Neglect

Neglect means failure to provide adequate care to the child in one's custody. It's by far the most common (and the most lethal) form of child abuse, yet the least spoken about. Many people struggle placing "child abuser" label on a parent who didn't mean to harm their child, who struggles with various hardships and failed to do their job as well as they should have. However, visiting one's problems on a child is inappropriate because the child has no remedy: they cannot divorce their parents and live independently. Without adequate care, they get sick or even die; those who survive often suffer serious psychological trauma, chronic physical illnesses, and/or developmental problems, sometimes irreversible. Overcoming parental hardships is a part of being a parent. People who can't afford bare necessities can apply for government assistance or reach out to charities. People who don't know how to maintain a clean house can google tutorials or hire a cleaning lady. People who aren't sure how to care for their child can take parenting classes. At the end of the day, the parents are obligated to either provide appropriate care to their child or surrender him/her to the authorities. Failure to do so constitutes child abuse.

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Cycle Of Abuse

The cycle of abuse theory was developed in 1979 by Lenore E. Walker, a licensed psychologist who interviewed 1,500 women involved in domestic violence and noticed that their stories followed a similar pattern. She described it as a controlling patriarchal behavior of men who felt entitled to batter their wives. In reality, both men and women perpetrate domestic abuse on their partners, and the pattern is similar regardless of gender. It doesn't apply to every abusive relationship, but many survivors find it relevant. The cycle consists of four main phases that repeat over and over, alternating abuse with reconciliations. It makes you unsure if you're being abused or making a big deal out of nothing, since the relationship includes both the good and the bad times. Also, reconciliation phase often involves mutual apologies and promises (e.g. "I won't punch you again if you don't provoke me"), which makes the situation appear normal; all couples fight and reconcile, so you lose perspective on the difference between a healthy relationship and a violent one. This on-and-off nature of violence allows it to gradually intensify over the time without you noticing it, like a frog in a pot of boiling water. Each incident isn't drastically worse than the previous one, so you don't know where to draw the line, and end up tolerating things you wouldn't dream of tolerating when the relationship just started. Recognizing the pattern might help break free from it.

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Tips for Secondary Survivors

Many people experience trauma in their lives: car accident, death of a loved one, 911, hurricane Sandy. These things leave us overwhelmed, scared, confused, in pain. We might struggle trying to understand why did this have to happen. We might constantly relive traumatic memory, or avoid reminders of it. We might be denying the impact it had on us, or be angry and look for someone to blame for our pain. We might start questioning people in general, world, or God. Or we might blame ourselves. Abuse is a type of trauma that is inflicted on one person by another. Maybe I was raped, or beaten up, or yelled at daily and played mind games with, or maybe my parents did things that a parent isn't supposed to do to a child. The effect it had on me might be compared to a natural disaster, except abuse is perpetrated by a specific person (which I might have had a strong emotional bond with), often as a repeating pattern rather than a single occurrence, and usually isn't something I could talk of freely. I'll never be the same after such an experience, but I can repair the damage, re-adjust, grow, and have a happy, healthy, productive life. Takes time though. Often - years. Each survivor faces their own unique issues, but there are some common traits that many survivors share, and many supporters find confusing, frustrating, disturbing, or otherwise difficult to handle. Here's an attempt to explain a few of them. Abuse royally messed up my relationship skills. Part of the abuse...

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Emotional Abuse

All humans need to be treated with dignity and respect, regardless of age. Parents have legal, physical, intellectual, emotional, and financial power over their children in order to care for them, to ensure their safety, welfare, appropriate development, etc. Using this power for any other purpose is wrong, just like it's wrong to mistreat prisoners of war. Children are in an even more vulnerable position because they don't process information the same way adults do; their brains are still developing, so what might be a stupid joke to an adult can cause serious trauma to a child. Young children believe what their parents tell them, and emotional abuse can cause them to draw very inaccurate conclusions about themselves and their place in the world. Older children understand that they're being mistreated, but have no recourse: they can't yell back, cut their parent off, or sue for harassment. They are stuck without options, forced to endure maltreatment. Taking advantage of this vulnerability is abusive. Emotional abuse of children is usually a part of any other type of abuse (e.g. physical, sexual, or neglect), and is mostly treated as an aggravating factor rather than a separate crime. It lacks legal definition, which makes it hard to address when it's the only type of abuse inflicted on a child. It's nearly impossible to prosecute in criminal court, but Child Protective Services work independently of law enforcement, and might remove the child from their parent's custody...

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How To Deal With A Narcissistic Mother

Mother is supposed to love and support you unconditionally, approve of you as a person, root for you even if you messed up and everyone turned away from you - mom is the one person in the world who will always be there for you. She is also the one who was supposed to teach you right and wrong, and whose judgment you relied on completely. It was her opinion of your character that you based your self-worth on. Nobody likes to be called selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful, rude, cruel, etc, especially by their own mother, so we would go to great lengths to earn our mother's approval, love, and support. That's what causes strained relationships between mothers who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and their adult children: this approval, love, and support will never happen. Bashing people with mental health issues is a pointless exercise, but if you aren't ready to cut your mom off - there are things you can do to not let her impairments affect your quality of life.