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Emergency Escape Plan

Being involved in a violent relationship is kind of like living on top of a volcano. Some people leave once they realize it and never look back. Others run off during the eruption, wait out the danger, and come back once things calm down. Many go back and forth a few times, but eventually leave for good. Whatever your long-term plan is (staying or leaving), it's crucial to ensure your basic safety in the here and now, while you're still sharing the house with your abuser and the volcano can erupt any minute. The beauty of an emergency escape plan is that you don't have to hide it, because it's applicable in any emergency: fire, flood, earthquake, burglary, etc. Any reasonable person would commend you for being conscious of safety, your partner won't question your motives, and your friends and family won't suspect abuse (if you wish to keep it secret). You can even disguise your plan as a joke, a game, or a hobby (e.g. zombie apocalypses). It consists of simple adjustments that are easy to implement, but that would drastically increase your chances of surviving violence at home, and eventually escaping it.

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What to tell your therapist first time you meet them

The thought of seeing a therapist for the first time can be anxiety provoking, even if you saw other therapists before. For many people a big part of this anxiety is wondering what to tell this new therapist during the first session. While obviously this depends on what do you want from them, there are a couple of ideas below - not to use as directions, but simply as an invitation for creativity. Maybe reading what other people discuss with their therapists on first session would help you clarify what is it that YOU want (or don't want) to talk with your new therapist about.

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Stages Of Healing From Abuse

While every survivor's path is unique, there are some common stages we all go through. It is rarely a straight sequence, as we tend to move on from stage to stage too fast, which results in jumping back and forth - from anger to acceptance only to discover that we missed grief, or to realize we have more anger than we used to think and we need to revisit the anger stage, or to walk through a few of these stages again, regarding another instance of abuse that we didn't think much of at first. This page is by no means a recipe to healing, it's simply sharing our experience. Walking this path can at times feel like it's hopeless, getting worse, or going in circles. Sometimes it truly is. This is why a roadmap might be helpful.

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Physical Abuse

Physical violence is a crime, regardless of the age of the target, their relationship to the perpetrator, or any other circumstances. However, it affects children differently than it affects adults. First, children are completely dependent on their abusers (legally, financially, physically, and psychologically); they can't divorce their parents and move out, which leaves them no option but to suffer the abuse until someone rescues them. Second, children aren't fully developed physically; their bodies are more fragile because they are still growing, so a light smack on the back of a head, which would be of no consequence to an adult, can cause traumatic brain injury and death to a child. And third, children aren't fully developed mentally; they can't form an accurate understanding of their situation, which results in serious psychological trauma and various maladjustments, sometimes life-long. Many perpetrators of child abuse take advantage of this, presenting their actions as a perfectly acceptable parenting technique, punishment for the child's misbehavior. This page might be hard to read, as some people subject their children to torture, as defined in The United Nations Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment. However, avoiding this topic doesn't work, because survivors of this type of abuse often end up unsure what to call their experience, whether it's OK to talk about it, and whether it ever happened to anyone else....

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Addictions

Addiction is such a heavy topic, with so many stereotypes, judgments, blame, and shame attached to it. Truth is, many people are addicted to one thing or another: alcohol, coffee, drugs, cigs, sex, gambling, internet, drama, video games, psychotherapy, shopping - you name it. Many of them live fairly functional lives, and would be insulted if someone categorized them as addicts. Addiction only becomes a problem when you spend more time/money on it than you're comfortable with, neglecting/sacrificing other areas of your life; when the habit in question becomes a bigger part of your life than you'd like it to be - or when it starts hurting other people. It can be an unpleasant topic to think about, if the price you're paying for your habit isn't really worth it for you. However, avoiding the problem rarely resolves it, while looking into it might turn out to be helpful, especially if you're in fact fine with the costs of your habit and it's just the peer pressure that's making you feel like you need to change something. First of all, it's you and you only, who gets to decide if your habit is a problem or not. Societal norms/expectations/attitudes fluctuate rather widely, over time and across the globe. A little over a century ago society had an issue with masturbation; people were getting locked up in mental asylums, some even committed suicide over their inability to quit "this sinful addiction" which they weren't even comfortable naming - and now we teach our children that...

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My abuser and me: So much in common

To my father...my abuser. Have decided it's time to get a bit of balance into my thinking about me and you. Truth is we share so much...sometimes reacted to some of it in different, sometimes in similar ways. Both grew up without the parental support we deserved - you because your father died in the Spanish flu epidemic and your mother did not cope well on her own...tended to put her kids second as she sought to find a new husband and life for herself. Me? Don't really need to go into details about your and my relationship (you know that well enough) but, it was not all down to you...like your mother, my mother (your wife) did not always cope with the situations she found herself in. Tried her best I am sure but did not, or chose not, to see (at the time the limited options) to protect my sibs and me. I often wonder did you really not care for me as much as your behaviour would suggest or like me did you learn to tough things out rather than express your pain to a world that seemed not to care? Did you as a child dream that someone would save you...take some of your too heavy burden on their shoulders? That you could be as carefree as the other children around you appeared to be. Did you like me fear that your mother would leave you, worry how you would cope? In my case I was luckier than you were. My mother did not take my sister and leave 13 year old me and my younger brothers with a step-father who barely knew us...move overseas...set up a new life with a new...

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Growing Up In A DV Environment

I grew up in a violent situation, where the adults around me were not only violent with me, but were also violent with each other. Domestic violence was really confusing for me as a kid. Then I had the fortunate opportunity of living in a completely different situation with my adoptive Mom and Dad, and the contrast between the two situations was drastic. I read something a while back that made me think about the situation. I remember really strongly how I felt as a kid when the adults around me fought with each other, argued and were violent with each other, were disrespectful towards one another, and treated each other as less than a person. Their actions had a huge impact on me--I was afraid the majority of the time, I didn't feel safe, cared about, or stable, my world felt like it was always on the brink of crumbling, and I had no way to get myself out of the situation or to improve it, so I felt really trapped. Considering I didn't have anything to compare this environment to, I figured this was just the way it had to be--that adults argued, fought, were violent, etc.--and I often felt as if these things were my fault. Fortunately, once I got out of the abuse situation and my Mom and Dad adopted me, I found out that relationships and conflict within relationships could be drastically different. My Mom and Dad often disagreed with each other, had arguments about a multitude of things, didn't see eye to eye sometimes, but they never treated each other with anything less...