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Addictions

Addiction is such a heavy topic, with so many stereotypes, judgments, blame, and shame attached to it. Truth is, many people are addicted to one thing or another: alcohol, coffee, drugs, cigs, sex, gambling, internet, drama, video games, psychotherapy, shopping - you name it. Many of them live fairly functional lives, and would be insulted if someone categorized them as addicts. Addiction only becomes a problem when you spend more time/money on it than you're comfortable with, neglecting/sacrificing other areas of your life; when the habit in question becomes a bigger part of your life than you'd like it to be - or when it starts hurting other people. It can be an unpleasant topic to think about, if the price you're paying for your habit isn't really worth it for you. However, avoiding the problem rarely resolves it, while looking into it might turn out to be helpful, especially if you're in fact fine with the costs of your habit and it's just the peer pressure that's making you feel like you need to change something. First of all, it's you and you only, who gets to decide if your habit is a problem or not. Societal norms/expectations/attitudes fluctuate rather widely, over time and across the globe. A little over a century ago society had an issue with masturbation; people were getting locked up in mental asylums, some even committed suicide over their inability to quit "this sinful addiction" which they weren't even comfortable naming - and now we teach our children that...

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My abuser and me: So much in common

To my father...my abuser. Have decided it's time to get a bit of balance into my thinking about me and you. Truth is we share so much...sometimes reacted to some of it in different, sometimes in similar ways. Both grew up without the parental support we deserved - you because your father died in the Spanish flu epidemic and your mother did not cope well on her own...tended to put her kids second as she sought to find a new husband and life for herself. Me? Don't really need to go into details about your and my relationship (you know that well enough) but, it was not all down to you...like your mother, my mother (your wife) did not always cope with the situations she found herself in. Tried her best I am sure but did not, or chose not, to see (at the time the limited options) to protect my sibs and me. I often wonder did you really not care for me as much as your behaviour would suggest or like me did you learn to tough things out rather than express your pain to a world that seemed not to care? Did you as a child dream that someone would save you...take some of your too heavy burden on their shoulders? That you could be as carefree as the other children around you appeared to be. Did you like me fear that your mother would leave you, worry how you would cope? In my case I was luckier than you were. My mother did not take my sister and leave 13 year old me and my younger brothers with a step-father who barely knew us...move overseas...set up a new life with a new...

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Did I Consent?

There's a wide spectrum of coercion between enthusiastic consent and brutal force, and many people are unsure where's the line between an unfortunate misunderstanding and a violent felony. Some internalize the blame and hold themselves responsible even for things that were entirely out of their hands. Others prefer to blame someone else, even for things that were within their control. Unwanted sexual intercourse can be traumatic no matter if you were forced or reluctantly agreed. It can leave long-lasting impact: anxiety, depression, loss of trust towards people, problems with sexuality, etc. If you experienced unwanted sex and struggle with these (or any other) issues, you deserve support and sympathy, regardless of how the incident might be classified legally. However, legal status of things does matter if you're planning to accuse the other person of rape. This page does not constitute legal advice because laws vary slightly depending on your location, but might give a general idea about what consent is and isn't, by illustrating the concept with real life examples. All names and identifying details have been changed for privacy reasons.

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Emergency Escape Plan

Being involved in a violent relationship is kind of like living on top of a volcano. Some people leave once they realize it and never look back. Others run off during the eruption, wait out the danger, and come back once things calm down. Many go back and forth a few times, but eventually leave for good. Whatever your long-term plan is (staying or leaving), it's crucial to ensure your basic safety in the here and now, while you're still sharing the house with your abuser and the volcano can erupt any minute. The beauty of an emergency escape plan is that you don't have to hide it, because it's applicable in any emergency: fire, flood, earthquake, burglary, etc. Any reasonable person would commend you for being conscious of safety, your partner won't question your motives, and your friends and family won't suspect abuse (if you wish to keep it secret). You can even disguise your plan as a joke, a game, or a hobby (e.g. zombie apocalypses). It consists of simple adjustments that are easy to implement, but that would drastically increase your chances of surviving violence at home, and eventually escaping it.

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Cycle Of Abuse

The cycle of abuse theory was developed in 1979 by Lenore E. Walker, a licensed psychologist who interviewed 1,500 women involved in domestic violence and noticed that their stories followed a similar pattern. She described it as a controlling patriarchal behavior of men who felt entitled to batter their wives. In reality, both men and women perpetrate domestic abuse on their partners, and the pattern is similar regardless of gender. It doesn't apply to every abusive relationship, but many survivors find it relevant. The cycle consists of four main phases that repeat over and over, alternating abuse with reconciliations. It makes you unsure if you're being abused or making a big deal out of nothing, since the relationship includes both the good and the bad times. Also, reconciliation phase often involves mutual apologies and promises (e.g. "I won't punch you again if you don't provoke me"), which makes the situation appear normal; all couples fight and reconcile, so you lose perspective on the difference between a healthy relationship and a violent one. This on-and-off nature of violence allows it to gradually intensify over the time without you noticing it, like a frog in a pot of boiling water. Each incident isn't drastically worse than the previous one, so you don't know where to draw the line, and end up tolerating things you wouldn't dream of tolerating when the relationship just started. Recognizing the pattern might help break free from it.

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Physical Abuse

Physical violence is a crime, regardless of the age of the target, their relationship to the perpetrator, or any other circumstances. However, it affects children differently than it affects adults. First, children are completely dependent on their abusers (legally, financially, physically, and psychologically); they can't divorce their parents and move out, which leaves them no option but to suffer the abuse until someone rescues them. Second, children aren't fully developed physically; their bodies are more fragile because they are still growing, so a light smack on the back of a head, which would be of no consequence to an adult, can cause traumatic brain injury and death to a child. And third, children aren't fully developed mentally; they can't form an accurate understanding of their situation, which results in serious psychological trauma and various maladjustments, sometimes life-long. Many perpetrators of child abuse take advantage of this, presenting their actions as a perfectly acceptable parenting technique, punishment for the child's misbehavior. This page might be hard to read, as some people subject their children to torture, as defined in The United Nations Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment. However, avoiding this topic doesn't work, because survivors of this type of abuse often end up unsure what to call their experience, whether it's OK to talk about it, and whether it ever happened to anyone else....

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Tips for Attention Seekers

Attention can be a hard subject for abuse survivors. It's a basic human need, like food and water, but during abuse attention often resulted in pain. We want to be noticed, but we're scared of getting hurt; we want to rely on others, but we're afraid of rejection; we want to reach out, but we don't know how to do it constructively. Some people seem to get by with very little attention: they view it as a valuable resource, are frugal with it, and spend it wisely, only asking for the exact type of attention that they need. Others can't seem to get enough, asking for any type of attention they can get, which frustrates everyone around them and drowns them in negative backlash, destroying their self-esteem. Getting the right type of attention is a skill like any other, it takes trial and error, and a lot of practice. This page lists a few basic tips on how to make it work.