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Physical Abuse

Physical violence is a crime, regardless of the age of the target, their relationship to the perpetrator, or any other circumstances. However, it affects children differently than it affects adults. First, children are completely dependent on their abusers (legally, financially, physically, and psychologically); they can't divorce their parents and move out, which leaves them no option but to suffer the abuse until someone rescues them. Second, children aren't fully developed physically; their bodies are more fragile because they are still growing, so a light smack on the back of a head, which would be of no consequence to an adult, can cause traumatic brain injury and death to a child. And third, children aren't fully developed mentally; they can't form an accurate understanding of their situation, which results in serious psychological trauma and various maladjustments, sometimes life-long. Many perpetrators of child abuse take advantage of this, presenting their actions as a perfectly acceptable parenting technique, punishment for the child's misbehavior. This page might be hard to read, as some people subject their children to torture, as defined in The United Nations Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment. However, avoiding this topic doesn't work, because survivors of this type of abuse often end up unsure what to call their experience, whether it's OK to talk about it, and whether it ever happened to anyone else....

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Did I Consent?

There's a wide spectrum of coercion between enthusiastic consent and brutal force, and many people are unsure where's the line between an unfortunate misunderstanding and a violent felony. Some internalize the blame and hold themselves responsible even for things that were entirely out of their hands. Others prefer to blame someone else, even for things that were within their control. Unwanted sexual intercourse can be traumatic no matter if you were forced or reluctantly agreed. It can leave long-lasting impact: anxiety, depression, loss of trust towards people, problems with sexuality, etc. If you experienced unwanted sex and struggle with these (or any other) issues, you deserve support and sympathy, regardless of how the incident might be classified legally. However, legal status of things does matter if you're planning to accuse the other person of rape. This page does not constitute legal advice because laws vary slightly depending on your location, but might give a general idea about what consent is and isn't, by illustrating the concept with real life examples. All names and identifying details have been changed for privacy reasons.

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Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is a situation where someone robs you of your money or other assets by playing on your vulnerability or taking advantage of your trust. For example, convincing you to give them your paycheck, stealing your cash, draining your savings account, maxing out your credit cards, making you sign over your house, or using your name to open loans. Sometimes it's done openly (e.g. "sign your house over to me now or I'll kill you"), but often it's disguised as "helping you manage your finances". Financial abuse usually happens in domestic relationships, i.e. between spouses or adult children and their elderly parents, but can also happen between friends, siblings, dating couples, remote relatives, neighbors, etc. It results in financial troubles (like getting evicted from your own house), stress and anxiety, shame, and damaged family relationships. Financial abuse is a crime, but rarely gets reported and prosecuted because it's painful to admit, embarrassing to talk about, and very confusing. However, avoiding the problem doesn't solve it; the more you know about it, the better protected you are.

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Journaling

Many abuse survivors struggle with depression, addictions, unhealthy relationships, even suicide thoughts. One of the reasons it's happening is that abuse robs you of your identity, so once it's over - you feel lost and unsure of who you are anymore, and try to fill your life with unhealthy distractions. Another reason is that abuse causes a lot of conflicting feelings: pain, anger, fear, frustration, love, confusion, self-blame, hope. Talking of these feelings is hard, and even the most supportive friends can't listen 24/7. Journaling resolves both of these problems. It allows you to express your thoughts, feelings, desires, plans, hopes - free of judgment or limitations. To re-discover who you are and what you want to do with your life. This page lists a few of the most common approaches to journaling - pick the one that seems most inviting, or experiment with them all.

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Info for Teens

Everybody has the right to happiness. With adults it's their headache to reach it. With minors - it's society's job to provide you with a healthy, safe, supportive environment where you can thrive. Nobody can make you happy but yourself, but adults responsible for you (like your parents, your teachers, your doctors, your local police officers - everyone around you) have the responsibility of providing you with your basic needs, things no one can be happy without. Society cares about you, wants you to reach your full potential and turn out a happy, healthy, smart, responsible, well-adjusted individual. This is why we have laws in place to make sure you get what you need to do that: You have the right to a safe home, adequate clothing, school supplies, food, medical care. When you don't have a winter coat, your home has no electricity, you haven't seen a dentist in years, there's no food in the fridge, or mom and dad yell at each other every night so you can't focus on homework - this is a bad environment to be in because you can't function like this. Nobody can thrive while cold, hungry, or sick. You have the right to education and guidance. If you can't read - you won't get very far in life, you know. If you don't know how to do laundry - it's going to be hard once you move out of your parents' house. If you never learned how to balance a checkbook - things will be rough when you get your own bank account and start paying your own bills. You have the right to learn all...

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Tips for Secondary Survivors

Many people experience trauma in their lives: car accident, death of a loved one, 911, hurricane Sandy. These things leave us overwhelmed, scared, confused, in pain. We might struggle trying to understand why did this have to happen. We might constantly relive traumatic memory, or avoid reminders of it. We might be denying the impact it had on us, or be angry and look for someone to blame for our pain. We might start questioning people in general, world, or God. Or we might blame ourselves. Abuse is a type of trauma that is inflicted on one person by another. Maybe I was raped, or beaten up, or yelled at daily and played mind games with, or maybe my parents did things that a parent isn't supposed to do to a child. The effect it had on me might be compared to a natural disaster, except abuse is perpetrated by a specific person (which I might have had a strong emotional bond with), often as a repeating pattern rather than a single occurrence, and usually isn't something I could talk of freely. I'll never be the same after such an experience, but I can repair the damage, re-adjust, grow, and have a happy, healthy, productive life. Takes time though. Often - years. Each survivor faces their own unique issues, but there are some common traits that many survivors share, and many supporters find confusing, frustrating, disturbing, or otherwise difficult to handle. Here's an attempt to explain a few of them. Abuse royally messed up my relationship skills. Part of the abuse...

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Neglect

Neglect means failure to provide adequate care to the child in one's custody. It's by far the most common (and the most lethal) form of child abuse, yet the least spoken about. Many people struggle placing "child abuser" label on a parent who didn't mean to harm their child, who struggles with various hardships and failed to do their job as well as they should have. However, visiting one's problems on a child is inappropriate because the child has no remedy: they cannot divorce their parents and live independently. Without adequate care, they get sick or even die; those who survive often suffer serious psychological trauma, chronic physical illnesses, and/or developmental problems, sometimes irreversible. Overcoming parental hardships is a part of being a parent. People who can't afford bare necessities can apply for government assistance or reach out to charities. People who don't know how to maintain a clean house can google tutorials or hire a cleaning lady. People who aren't sure how to care for their child can take parenting classes. At the end of the day, the parents are obligated to either provide appropriate care to their child or surrender him/her to the authorities. Failure to do so constitutes child abuse.